Monday, June 25, 2012
Here For You
As readers may have noticed, I've been a little relaxed in my posting habits- inspiration seems to come in waves. I have every intention of posting as often as I can to do the most good for all of you readers and visitors to the site as you journey down your individual paths of self awareness, however I refuse to post if my content isn't inspired or fully actualized in a way that allows me to completely express the thought in words that can be easily followed or understood. There are many things I've learned recently, many steps I've completed, revelations I've experienced that I hope to soon share, but for some of these ideas and revelations the experiences and pieces of thoughts haven't completely gelled to form a concise and understandable theory or processes. The bottom line is I need to sometimes allow for gestation of thought processes and the complete understanding of them to properly convey them to all of you. In the meantime I will try to post content from my past to show the strength and resiliency we all possess and the amazing transformational power we all have access to. So when you notice I haven't been as talkative as usual on this blog, know that I'm still here and still serving, and understand that great realizations and understandings are underway!
All My Children- Living in loving acceptance of all your deepest, darkest emotions
I've been reading up recently on the body-mind connection and it's involvement with emotions and their manifestation differences in mind vs. in body. As someone who has PTSD, a past of eating disorders, and a survivor of rape, total disconnection from my body has been a normal part of my life. I've always pushed my body to its limits, ignored or lashed out at physical reactions, mutilated or physically assaulted parts of my body that hurt or complained, and numbed my physical self from reactions. Pain and self immolation or destruction have been a way of control for me in the past, so when I embarked on a journey of connection and understanding with my body, I had no idea where to start, how to proceed, or what to expect.
The idea had never even occurred to me; that I might be completely disconnected from my body, until I began a two month long course and support group on grief and learning to live wholeheartedly through grief and loss. About halfway through the course, one of the modules was on the body. If I was paying attention to my inner attitudes and thoughts more effectively at the time, I would have noticed it sooner, but although I always studied every module before our class began, in this particular module I was unable to connect to or fulfill the assignment requirements regardless of the fact that I tried very hard to do so. I ended the assignment the night before class with generic, general answers that were more thoughts than feelings in the body- any actual feelings of pain from my body were portrayed in my assignment as angry thoughts against my Judas body- and I almost didn't attend class the next day because I blew the whole module off as insignificant and inconsequential. The next day I attended however, groggy, distracted, and not completely present. This module was dumb in my mind and meant nothing, but perhaps I could get something else out of it.
We began the class with a meditation, and as I did like meditation I distractedly participated, opening my eyes and moving here and there to keep taking notes so I could try this meditation on my own later. We scanned our bodies for our worst pain and were told to focus on this pain, to try and see ourselves as a whole from above and zero in on that part of ourselves, to come down and sit with the pain. This was incredibly simple to hone in on as my lower back had been killing me the past few months. It was so stiff and sore I couldn't bend properly anymore, and simple acts of moving, stooping, twisting or bending concerned me as I was convinced it might snap in two at any moment. I had been half joking that I was becoming an old woman in the prime of my life, and I had been quietly worrying about my apparent aging. During the meditation I could feel a tingling or electric current throughout my longer limbs such as my arms or legs, but everywhere else felt dead. I had a numbness in my feet, stiffness and pain in my neck, shoulders, and upper arms, upper back, shins, eyes, and head area by my eyes, forehead, hands and forearms. It was difficult for me to maintain my breath ratio in the meditation, and although I was unaware why at the time, I think it was because of the deeply embedded emotions coming back up from the depths of my body. We were asked to sit with our one specific area of pain- the one area that needed the most work- to try to embrace it, to tell it we are here and are listening, trying to understand it, and to ask it what it needs.
In that time during the meditation, I realized that with my PTSD I had been hyper-focused on the negative, that I had cut myself off from my body and it's wealth of support and information and monitoring. In cutting my body off from my life force energy and spirit I allowed pain, fear, burnout, and illness to enter my body and manifest itself in various destructive ways. My body was manifesting physical fear and trauma as sickness and physical pain or degeneration. As my body had always been there to support and protect me, I had withdrawn my spiritual support from my body and cut off the connection, isolating my fight into the realms of the mind (where I thought I may be able to defeat my enemy) while controlling and forcing my body to slowly die away with no allies to help it. My body had become another enemy in the realms of my mind. While floating above my body during the meditation, I watched my body and allowed it to feel the sadness and depression and aging I had inflicted upon it during the years of separation but had refused to feel or acknowledge in return. I was completely disconnected at this point, looking down upon myself as if a stranger, as if I was dead looking down at my unrecognizable, lifeless, tired, worn body, observing the final culmination of my actions and reactions throughout my life against my body that had always been there for me, and had tried its best to support my spirit within the constraints I had allowed it to exist. I floated down in my mind state to hover directly over my body and gently touch my face in a final gesture of thankfulness. I returned my focus on the area that needed the most work, my lower back, and as instructed, asked it what it needed. I asked it what I need to know from it, asked it what it needed from me in return for shouldering my burden- I asked it "Blessed body, what do you need?".
It took about 5 minutes or more of me continuing my plea in progressively more sincere tones and truly changing my mentality to one of openness and curiosity before it answered directly, quietly, and kindly- "Empathy and love, tolerance and understanding; Empathy.". The truth welled up inside of me and expressed itself as tears- in my mind's eye, appropriately enough, for no reason. I had been unfair to my body. I had never given my body the opportunity to grieve its loss. I had directed my anger toward my body and had punished it for my pain. I had numbed my body in the past to complete the separation and had used pain as a way to feel that my body was there, that I was connected to this world in some way. I had in the past beat my body up and abused it or mutilated it. I always forced it to do what I or others wanted- as a method of personal connection or control, in jobs, or with the military. I had always served others in some way, never thinking or caring of the effects on myself- often to the detriment of my body. I had separated myself from my body, severed the connection. I didn't think I needed my body, but my body had been there for me the whole time- it had been there to support me, not as a Judas, but as a friend.
Upon this realization my body became light and joyous. The pain and stiffness subsided and gave way to lightness and tingling or a feeling of an electric current, as though my body could finally, joyously reconnect with the vital spiritual energy it needed and gain the connection of a much needed ally. Upon this realization of the extent of disconnect from my body and what that disconnection was doing to me as a whole, I set off on a journey to reconnect to and understand my body. What did my body need in this moment? What could I do to produce empathy and become friends again with my body? I realized I love my back because it's MY back. I adore my back- my back is here for me. My back loves me in return. It shoulders my burdens for me and wants me to be ok. It will always be here for me and try to help me until my body dies. This was a revolutionary discovery for me. Instead of fighting my body (it can't focus anymore, it hurts, it's falling apart, my mind isn't working, I can't sleep, etc) I chose to ally with it. I chose to trust it, allow it to be, allow it to feel, chose to partner with it, and reached one of my best mantras for living in the present- If it's happening, be for it. Allow yourself to be and exist however you do in this particular moment. Nothing about your story in your head matters, only the present moment in and of itself is real, and your emotions are feelings located in your body so you can live an effective life in synergy with your greatest ally. Do what your body needs and allow yourself to play. The play will create its own purpose so long as you listen intuitively to what you need and allow fun and creativity to happen. Your body knows what it truly needs better than your mind thinks it does.
Although I've worked in this way with my emotions in body since then, and I've been able to transcend my emotions recently in arguments to keep my cool and stay on point in discussion rather than engage in self centered emotional arguments, it has been harder for me to stay in an emotion and locate the root in my body. Although I had been trying to notice roots of emotions in my body, I hadn't been able to specifically pinpoint their location successfully. Perhaps I wasn't feeling my emotions to their fullest in my mind to begin to locate them effectively in my body. Perhaps when I felt some of my emotion I allowed myself to become mentally lost to it, sticking to the more ingrained habit of disconnection. In any case, that all changed one day while driving to work as I became suddenly enveloped in the emotion of the present moment, specifically anger and irritation (often referred to as road rage- but on a milder level). I felt sudden, intense anger rise up as I uttered choice words in the direction of the other driver. As I felt the anger flash in front of me, I simultaneously felt a hardening, a weight, in the pit of my stomach. Instantly I noticed it as I had made a habit by this time to try and look for origins of my emotions in my body. As I was driving I chose to stay with the feeling and sensation in my body, and a funny thing happened. I could feel my mind shift to other thoughts and various hues of a myriad of other emotions, but if I chose to notice and stay with it, the pit was still present in my stomach. I was mentally able to overcome my anger quickly, singing my favorite songs while looking out at the beautiful scenery in happiness or awe while driving, but I could feel that I had just piled more anger atop years of buried anger in the pit of my stomach. I could feel it because I chose to keep checking into the sensation in my stomach, consciously staying with it and was able to feel years of anger as a weight in the pit of my stomach. It wasn't a feeling anymore- it was a physical sensation, a tangible result of years of not feeling or refusing to understand my anger to its fullest extent. As I sat with the physical feeling, allowing my mind to go about daily activities (my mind was fully over the emotion by now), I approached the pit in my stomach as one would approach a crying child. I told it I was here, I was listening, and I would feel and support it. I asked it what it needed, and instantaneously it responded in a shout "Love!". I embraced it, told it that I loved and appreciated it, that I wanted to understand it, that it was needed and that I would take as long as necessary to listen to it and stay with it. And then something absolutely unexpected happened. It almost completely dissipated- instantly. I kept checking back in and noticed that it would creep back after a little bit, I would validate my love for it and my acceptance of it, ask if it needed anything else, and it would disappear again. It was beginning to trust me.
As with any journey I'm on a course, reaching points closer and closer to my desired destination. No results come overnight, and as I progress and practice I become better at understanding myself and my emotional "children" within me. My child of anger still exists in the pit of my stomach, but I have been in the process of understanding it and befriending it so it can become a mentor and a personal council on where I'm at and how I'm doing in my life rather than an enemy, a blemish of the soul, or something to be ashamed of. Every day I work closer and closer to wholehearted living, embracing the me in the present- the person I currently am in the now- as good enough, and as a team; my body, mind, friendly emotions, and soul can create the future and the present moment of my dreams.
The idea had never even occurred to me; that I might be completely disconnected from my body, until I began a two month long course and support group on grief and learning to live wholeheartedly through grief and loss. About halfway through the course, one of the modules was on the body. If I was paying attention to my inner attitudes and thoughts more effectively at the time, I would have noticed it sooner, but although I always studied every module before our class began, in this particular module I was unable to connect to or fulfill the assignment requirements regardless of the fact that I tried very hard to do so. I ended the assignment the night before class with generic, general answers that were more thoughts than feelings in the body- any actual feelings of pain from my body were portrayed in my assignment as angry thoughts against my Judas body- and I almost didn't attend class the next day because I blew the whole module off as insignificant and inconsequential. The next day I attended however, groggy, distracted, and not completely present. This module was dumb in my mind and meant nothing, but perhaps I could get something else out of it.
We began the class with a meditation, and as I did like meditation I distractedly participated, opening my eyes and moving here and there to keep taking notes so I could try this meditation on my own later. We scanned our bodies for our worst pain and were told to focus on this pain, to try and see ourselves as a whole from above and zero in on that part of ourselves, to come down and sit with the pain. This was incredibly simple to hone in on as my lower back had been killing me the past few months. It was so stiff and sore I couldn't bend properly anymore, and simple acts of moving, stooping, twisting or bending concerned me as I was convinced it might snap in two at any moment. I had been half joking that I was becoming an old woman in the prime of my life, and I had been quietly worrying about my apparent aging. During the meditation I could feel a tingling or electric current throughout my longer limbs such as my arms or legs, but everywhere else felt dead. I had a numbness in my feet, stiffness and pain in my neck, shoulders, and upper arms, upper back, shins, eyes, and head area by my eyes, forehead, hands and forearms. It was difficult for me to maintain my breath ratio in the meditation, and although I was unaware why at the time, I think it was because of the deeply embedded emotions coming back up from the depths of my body. We were asked to sit with our one specific area of pain- the one area that needed the most work- to try to embrace it, to tell it we are here and are listening, trying to understand it, and to ask it what it needs.
In that time during the meditation, I realized that with my PTSD I had been hyper-focused on the negative, that I had cut myself off from my body and it's wealth of support and information and monitoring. In cutting my body off from my life force energy and spirit I allowed pain, fear, burnout, and illness to enter my body and manifest itself in various destructive ways. My body was manifesting physical fear and trauma as sickness and physical pain or degeneration. As my body had always been there to support and protect me, I had withdrawn my spiritual support from my body and cut off the connection, isolating my fight into the realms of the mind (where I thought I may be able to defeat my enemy) while controlling and forcing my body to slowly die away with no allies to help it. My body had become another enemy in the realms of my mind. While floating above my body during the meditation, I watched my body and allowed it to feel the sadness and depression and aging I had inflicted upon it during the years of separation but had refused to feel or acknowledge in return. I was completely disconnected at this point, looking down upon myself as if a stranger, as if I was dead looking down at my unrecognizable, lifeless, tired, worn body, observing the final culmination of my actions and reactions throughout my life against my body that had always been there for me, and had tried its best to support my spirit within the constraints I had allowed it to exist. I floated down in my mind state to hover directly over my body and gently touch my face in a final gesture of thankfulness. I returned my focus on the area that needed the most work, my lower back, and as instructed, asked it what it needed. I asked it what I need to know from it, asked it what it needed from me in return for shouldering my burden- I asked it "Blessed body, what do you need?".
It took about 5 minutes or more of me continuing my plea in progressively more sincere tones and truly changing my mentality to one of openness and curiosity before it answered directly, quietly, and kindly- "Empathy and love, tolerance and understanding; Empathy.". The truth welled up inside of me and expressed itself as tears- in my mind's eye, appropriately enough, for no reason. I had been unfair to my body. I had never given my body the opportunity to grieve its loss. I had directed my anger toward my body and had punished it for my pain. I had numbed my body in the past to complete the separation and had used pain as a way to feel that my body was there, that I was connected to this world in some way. I had in the past beat my body up and abused it or mutilated it. I always forced it to do what I or others wanted- as a method of personal connection or control, in jobs, or with the military. I had always served others in some way, never thinking or caring of the effects on myself- often to the detriment of my body. I had separated myself from my body, severed the connection. I didn't think I needed my body, but my body had been there for me the whole time- it had been there to support me, not as a Judas, but as a friend.
Upon this realization my body became light and joyous. The pain and stiffness subsided and gave way to lightness and tingling or a feeling of an electric current, as though my body could finally, joyously reconnect with the vital spiritual energy it needed and gain the connection of a much needed ally. Upon this realization of the extent of disconnect from my body and what that disconnection was doing to me as a whole, I set off on a journey to reconnect to and understand my body. What did my body need in this moment? What could I do to produce empathy and become friends again with my body? I realized I love my back because it's MY back. I adore my back- my back is here for me. My back loves me in return. It shoulders my burdens for me and wants me to be ok. It will always be here for me and try to help me until my body dies. This was a revolutionary discovery for me. Instead of fighting my body (it can't focus anymore, it hurts, it's falling apart, my mind isn't working, I can't sleep, etc) I chose to ally with it. I chose to trust it, allow it to be, allow it to feel, chose to partner with it, and reached one of my best mantras for living in the present- If it's happening, be for it. Allow yourself to be and exist however you do in this particular moment. Nothing about your story in your head matters, only the present moment in and of itself is real, and your emotions are feelings located in your body so you can live an effective life in synergy with your greatest ally. Do what your body needs and allow yourself to play. The play will create its own purpose so long as you listen intuitively to what you need and allow fun and creativity to happen. Your body knows what it truly needs better than your mind thinks it does.
Although I've worked in this way with my emotions in body since then, and I've been able to transcend my emotions recently in arguments to keep my cool and stay on point in discussion rather than engage in self centered emotional arguments, it has been harder for me to stay in an emotion and locate the root in my body. Although I had been trying to notice roots of emotions in my body, I hadn't been able to specifically pinpoint their location successfully. Perhaps I wasn't feeling my emotions to their fullest in my mind to begin to locate them effectively in my body. Perhaps when I felt some of my emotion I allowed myself to become mentally lost to it, sticking to the more ingrained habit of disconnection. In any case, that all changed one day while driving to work as I became suddenly enveloped in the emotion of the present moment, specifically anger and irritation (often referred to as road rage- but on a milder level). I felt sudden, intense anger rise up as I uttered choice words in the direction of the other driver. As I felt the anger flash in front of me, I simultaneously felt a hardening, a weight, in the pit of my stomach. Instantly I noticed it as I had made a habit by this time to try and look for origins of my emotions in my body. As I was driving I chose to stay with the feeling and sensation in my body, and a funny thing happened. I could feel my mind shift to other thoughts and various hues of a myriad of other emotions, but if I chose to notice and stay with it, the pit was still present in my stomach. I was mentally able to overcome my anger quickly, singing my favorite songs while looking out at the beautiful scenery in happiness or awe while driving, but I could feel that I had just piled more anger atop years of buried anger in the pit of my stomach. I could feel it because I chose to keep checking into the sensation in my stomach, consciously staying with it and was able to feel years of anger as a weight in the pit of my stomach. It wasn't a feeling anymore- it was a physical sensation, a tangible result of years of not feeling or refusing to understand my anger to its fullest extent. As I sat with the physical feeling, allowing my mind to go about daily activities (my mind was fully over the emotion by now), I approached the pit in my stomach as one would approach a crying child. I told it I was here, I was listening, and I would feel and support it. I asked it what it needed, and instantaneously it responded in a shout "Love!". I embraced it, told it that I loved and appreciated it, that I wanted to understand it, that it was needed and that I would take as long as necessary to listen to it and stay with it. And then something absolutely unexpected happened. It almost completely dissipated- instantly. I kept checking back in and noticed that it would creep back after a little bit, I would validate my love for it and my acceptance of it, ask if it needed anything else, and it would disappear again. It was beginning to trust me.
As with any journey I'm on a course, reaching points closer and closer to my desired destination. No results come overnight, and as I progress and practice I become better at understanding myself and my emotional "children" within me. My child of anger still exists in the pit of my stomach, but I have been in the process of understanding it and befriending it so it can become a mentor and a personal council on where I'm at and how I'm doing in my life rather than an enemy, a blemish of the soul, or something to be ashamed of. Every day I work closer and closer to wholehearted living, embracing the me in the present- the person I currently am in the now- as good enough, and as a team; my body, mind, friendly emotions, and soul can create the future and the present moment of my dreams.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Live open, Live free- To be mindful of the mind
For those living with PTSD and other battles of the mind, past memories, emotions and thoughts all become a means of torture in the prison of the mind. It is impossible to see the mass of tangled up strings within let alone distinguish how to begin to untangle, separate, and release them all. Many lines trace back to points farther than direct sight and surface memories allow and some connect various fragments and pieces of the past that may stretch back into time forgotten. It can be hard to find the end that will begin the separation versus the strings that will just make the knot tighter and more tangled. Past conditioning forms hard beliefs and beliefs form thought processes. Thoughts dictate our options and opportunities available and what paths we take. Often in our unenlightenend rut of living and getting by, we find ourselves forced into a massive dead end, and with mental wars like PTSD the outcome can be overwhelming and completely alienating. It takes time, effort and a new approach to rise above and see the expansive world awaiting you. Although these are specifically ways to control and regulate PTSD, they are beneficial for anyone searching for a more efficient path and a more self-empathetic life.
Mantras-
The unstoppable, incessant, hostile takeover of your mind by shrieking noises, thoughts, and images is brutal, and near impossible to deal with. All you want is for it all to end, to just go away, but you're no longer there. Those emotions you've refused to allow, the truths you've refused to accept, everything from the past you've buried have demanded to be heard- they refuse to be silent any longer- they have bubbled over. Only a sliver of a remnant is left of the conscious self, and it takes all your energy, all your effort to contain the enemy so you can retain your cognizance. You need a weapon that is sharp and true to cut through the heavy ether. Every time those uncontrollable voices, sounds, recordings of the past, videos, newsreels, thoughts, start to take over your existence, use the mantras to regain control. Mantras are a way to regain the control that is rightfully yours, to strong-arm the oppressor, to rally the defense and fight the resistance. They allow you to override the defenses of your mind and specifically redesign your thoughts and reactions based on your desired outcome. Use mantras to form specific beliefs that can be a rallying cry in times of stress and confusion and refocus your mind to the desired path. These mantras are based in fact and are true- you can back them up by hard evidence. They are based on how you rightfully view yourself. For most people the mantra "I will not allow myself to be a victim- I am strong" will work. There is definitive evidence in your past that you were strong. Perhaps you went through military training, martial arts training, sports training, perhaps you've trained your mind through public speaking or performance, or creative or studious pursuits, perhaps you've always been the one others can confide in, trust and depend on, but at the very least you've been living through this- and that makes you strong! Many people wouldn't be able to deal with the trauma you've faced (just observe someone's repetitive petty complaints in online forums and social networking sites). You refuse to allow this to control you because you have DEFINITIVE PROOF that you are strong. Another good mantra starter is that you are smart or empathetic or wise. Listen to your inner voice, your inner place of quiet (yes it can be very hard to find when you have PTSD- it just takes more focus, effort and patience). Look through the pain, fear, and insanity in your mind to deep within where resides your inner core that is immovable. Hear your personal truths and realize what specifically you don't want, but figure out what specifically you wish to be in that space that you don't want, and what truths will get you to where you need to be. Listen to your inner voice for the right mantra, put it together, and use it OFTEN! Perhaps you wish to be stronger when the noise in your head threatens to overtake you- you don't want to be overtaken, instead you wish to be stronger. Finding evidence and facts that you are strong to base the mantra on, you say "I will not allow myself to be a victim- I am strong". Be sure your mantra is based on personal truth so it will resonate with your immovable core. If it doesn't quite fit, tweak the wording until it does. Mine came to me by my inner voice very suddenly while driving. You can think all the thoughts, feel all the emotions, but you don't have to allow the insanity inside your mind associated with these thoughts, playbacks, and emotions. They don't have to control and take over your mind. You are strong, smart, witty, cunning, whatever you definitively are. And you are not alone.
Listening and monitoring your thoughts-
Eventually you will come to realize that these demons, are actually not the enemies you once thought them to be, rather they are kindly friends, entities you yourself have created to serve you and you trapped within yourself because they simply weren't understood. If given the opportunity they can be wonderful teachers and monitors of your inner state, all it takes is a little work, some trust, and willingness to allow and understand. Without judgement, always pay attention to your thoughts and running commentary in the mind. What are you telling yourself? What are you saying? Don't judge, just pay attention with the intense curiosity of a five year old. Allow these thoughts and feelings to run their course. Give them permission to exist to the fullest extent and duration they require, while you remove yourself from their tirades and separate yourself from any expected or preconceived outcomes. Let go, step back and observe (you can choose to do this at first in a place you feel safe, like home, but the ultimate goal is to do this at all times). Notice any patterns. Question these noticeable patterns with the open ended curiosity of a five year old. Without judgement, just interest and curiosity. Perhaps you notice that you don't trust yourself. Perhaps you notice that you don't trust others. Perhaps you notice fears that are rather irrational for their time or place or perhaps you recognize phobias. Perhaps you will begin to notice a connection throughout past events. Perhaps you will feel things that you haven't felt in years, or ever! Just notice with a chuckle- how interesting! You are a very deep, strange, interesting person. Keep noticing. Notice eventually if you still believe these in their fullest capacity, or do these thoughts begin to soften? Are all people untrustworthy, or can you trust some people? Who? (perhaps close family or friends or your counselor or your group). Do you trust some people with certain things and other people with other things? Are you always untrustworthy, or can you be trusted to do certain things? What? (perhaps taking a walk, going to work, making dinner, giving attention and affection to an animal, etc). Keep noticing, determine whether these thoughts actually serve you. They are your thoughts- you can think anything you like at any time! And there are usually facts that support whatever you wish to believe- the facts you choose to focus on are the ones that stand out and form the basis of your beliefs. Notice how the feelings, though intense (it's been a while since you've allowed them room to express themselves after all), ebb and flow like waves in the ocean. They run deep now as they've had so much time to accumulate, but notice how you can relax into them, how you can give them permission to exist because after all they are your creation as a response to your external surroundings, and they have a right to exist as they were a warranted reaction. Notice how you can observe these emotional responses and reactions without buying into them as stories, how you can feel them to their fullest extent but can keep open a channel of empathy and understanding. Give them a gentle proverbial hug and allow them to run their course like a two year old throwing a tantrum. Give them room to express themselves (create nonsensical art, or free form writing, or get into nature) so they can be heard and move on. Thoughts, feelings, and beliefs change with the seasons- allow yourself to be flexible.
Be thankful-
Take the time to picayunely address everything you see around you that's not a negative and say thanks for it, to your god, to the people or animals who surround you, to a higher power, to the universe, to yourself. Even just stating "I'm so very thankful for ___ because ___" will do the trick. Do it often, do it for everything. Go out of your way to find something you are grateful for, something that makes you smile, or something you couldn't live without (your car, your cat, your book collection, your comic books, DVDs, video games, beer, chocolate, pajamas, your iPhone, green grass, brown grass, grey skies, vampires, whatever). Anything remotely close to being ok needs this ritual applied to it (that means being thankful for the toilet and plumbing, running water, window panes or screens depending on where you live, carpet, the couch, the heater or air conditioner or fan, light bulbs, whatever). Be as ridiculous as you like- make it into a game- just be honestly grateful and thankful when you say so. Realize and connect with your gratitude. Understand how life would be different and more difficult without these things (no plumbing means getting cold, wet, and miserable running outside to use the bathroom). Whenever you realize that you are alive and a part of existence, find something around you to be truly grateful for and connect to that gratitude in the moment.
“Let gratitude be the pillow upon which you kneel to say your nightly prayer. And let faith be the bridge you build to overcome evil and welcome good.”
— Maya Angelou
Which leads me to the next item...
Make up a new story-
I don't mean make up a new story about what happened to you. That's over and in the past. The story you get to create is the story of how your past will shape your future and what the past means to you in relation to the present and the future. You need to look ahead for this. What do you want out of life? It doesn't need to be specific for now, your thoughts on this may not even make sense right away- just a general idea or feeling will do, and as a hint, it often won't center around you directly or specifically. Mine was that I would like my experience to help as many other people as possible, hopefully catching on like wildfire and changing the dogma of society from the smallest unit (the person or family level), removing the social stigma from a natural process (PTSD, depression, anxiety), and creating a new and empathetic future for mankind. Yours may be quite different! You get to choose and rewrite your path. Sure we all learned in math class that bad things happen to good people and that's bad, but you get to decide what that means, what that equation equals. Will you take what has happened and transmute it for your higher goals and purposes? Will you remember your loss and use it for good purposes, or destructive purposes? Will you give the cherished thing that was lost the honor in your life that it deserves, or deny it the potential it gave to you? You get to decide, and decide what these questions mean for you. You are an empty slate- the world is yours for the taking- but feel free to go easy and take your time. Enjoy the process.
Rinse, wash, repeat-
As life goes through cycles, so will your journey. It will be made of many battles, and these steps will need repeated. Constantly. Re-state mantras, form new ones, monitor your thoughts always, be inquisitive and curious, be open and non-judgemental, be empathetic and listen, learn something interesting about yourself everyday, consider your options, and always remember your purpose (which you create with every thought), shaping the fallout of your past to be both the bridge and the driving force to get you to your future.
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Go through your day and see how much you can observe rather than simply react to. How does it feel? How free can you feel by allowing emotions without reacting to them?
Here are a few mantras I've discovered that have helped me along...
I refuse to be a victim- I am the one who chooses what path I take
I am strong- I don't need to allow my thoughts to control me
I choose what will have meaning in my life and what it's purpose will be- I choose to use what has happened for good
If its happening, be for it- allow whatever is happening in this moment to happen and be present for it; you can't fight an ocean current, just let it wash over you
I am a river of life energy and peace- I allow what is to wash over me and happen
I am enough
When I seek others what I truly desire is connection, not attention
I don't need to fix anything, I'm not broken- I am fine in the now, I am me in the present and I'm here
Here's a daily e-letter (small daily e-note) of mantra starters and universal truths you can subscribe to, to help start your day. Notes from the universe.
What mantras resonate with you? If you could envision some mantras to take you to your desired outcome, what would they be? What personal truths would they be centered around? What qualities do you already possess that could take you further on your journey and help you create a clearer path?
I leave you with a mantra of truth- "You are exactly all you need"
Mantras-
The unstoppable, incessant, hostile takeover of your mind by shrieking noises, thoughts, and images is brutal, and near impossible to deal with. All you want is for it all to end, to just go away, but you're no longer there. Those emotions you've refused to allow, the truths you've refused to accept, everything from the past you've buried have demanded to be heard- they refuse to be silent any longer- they have bubbled over. Only a sliver of a remnant is left of the conscious self, and it takes all your energy, all your effort to contain the enemy so you can retain your cognizance. You need a weapon that is sharp and true to cut through the heavy ether. Every time those uncontrollable voices, sounds, recordings of the past, videos, newsreels, thoughts, start to take over your existence, use the mantras to regain control. Mantras are a way to regain the control that is rightfully yours, to strong-arm the oppressor, to rally the defense and fight the resistance. They allow you to override the defenses of your mind and specifically redesign your thoughts and reactions based on your desired outcome. Use mantras to form specific beliefs that can be a rallying cry in times of stress and confusion and refocus your mind to the desired path. These mantras are based in fact and are true- you can back them up by hard evidence. They are based on how you rightfully view yourself. For most people the mantra "I will not allow myself to be a victim- I am strong" will work. There is definitive evidence in your past that you were strong. Perhaps you went through military training, martial arts training, sports training, perhaps you've trained your mind through public speaking or performance, or creative or studious pursuits, perhaps you've always been the one others can confide in, trust and depend on, but at the very least you've been living through this- and that makes you strong! Many people wouldn't be able to deal with the trauma you've faced (just observe someone's repetitive petty complaints in online forums and social networking sites). You refuse to allow this to control you because you have DEFINITIVE PROOF that you are strong. Another good mantra starter is that you are smart or empathetic or wise. Listen to your inner voice, your inner place of quiet (yes it can be very hard to find when you have PTSD- it just takes more focus, effort and patience). Look through the pain, fear, and insanity in your mind to deep within where resides your inner core that is immovable. Hear your personal truths and realize what specifically you don't want, but figure out what specifically you wish to be in that space that you don't want, and what truths will get you to where you need to be. Listen to your inner voice for the right mantra, put it together, and use it OFTEN! Perhaps you wish to be stronger when the noise in your head threatens to overtake you- you don't want to be overtaken, instead you wish to be stronger. Finding evidence and facts that you are strong to base the mantra on, you say "I will not allow myself to be a victim- I am strong". Be sure your mantra is based on personal truth so it will resonate with your immovable core. If it doesn't quite fit, tweak the wording until it does. Mine came to me by my inner voice very suddenly while driving. You can think all the thoughts, feel all the emotions, but you don't have to allow the insanity inside your mind associated with these thoughts, playbacks, and emotions. They don't have to control and take over your mind. You are strong, smart, witty, cunning, whatever you definitively are. And you are not alone.
Listening and monitoring your thoughts-
Eventually you will come to realize that these demons, are actually not the enemies you once thought them to be, rather they are kindly friends, entities you yourself have created to serve you and you trapped within yourself because they simply weren't understood. If given the opportunity they can be wonderful teachers and monitors of your inner state, all it takes is a little work, some trust, and willingness to allow and understand. Without judgement, always pay attention to your thoughts and running commentary in the mind. What are you telling yourself? What are you saying? Don't judge, just pay attention with the intense curiosity of a five year old. Allow these thoughts and feelings to run their course. Give them permission to exist to the fullest extent and duration they require, while you remove yourself from their tirades and separate yourself from any expected or preconceived outcomes. Let go, step back and observe (you can choose to do this at first in a place you feel safe, like home, but the ultimate goal is to do this at all times). Notice any patterns. Question these noticeable patterns with the open ended curiosity of a five year old. Without judgement, just interest and curiosity. Perhaps you notice that you don't trust yourself. Perhaps you notice that you don't trust others. Perhaps you notice fears that are rather irrational for their time or place or perhaps you recognize phobias. Perhaps you will begin to notice a connection throughout past events. Perhaps you will feel things that you haven't felt in years, or ever! Just notice with a chuckle- how interesting! You are a very deep, strange, interesting person. Keep noticing. Notice eventually if you still believe these in their fullest capacity, or do these thoughts begin to soften? Are all people untrustworthy, or can you trust some people? Who? (perhaps close family or friends or your counselor or your group). Do you trust some people with certain things and other people with other things? Are you always untrustworthy, or can you be trusted to do certain things? What? (perhaps taking a walk, going to work, making dinner, giving attention and affection to an animal, etc). Keep noticing, determine whether these thoughts actually serve you. They are your thoughts- you can think anything you like at any time! And there are usually facts that support whatever you wish to believe- the facts you choose to focus on are the ones that stand out and form the basis of your beliefs. Notice how the feelings, though intense (it's been a while since you've allowed them room to express themselves after all), ebb and flow like waves in the ocean. They run deep now as they've had so much time to accumulate, but notice how you can relax into them, how you can give them permission to exist because after all they are your creation as a response to your external surroundings, and they have a right to exist as they were a warranted reaction. Notice how you can observe these emotional responses and reactions without buying into them as stories, how you can feel them to their fullest extent but can keep open a channel of empathy and understanding. Give them a gentle proverbial hug and allow them to run their course like a two year old throwing a tantrum. Give them room to express themselves (create nonsensical art, or free form writing, or get into nature) so they can be heard and move on. Thoughts, feelings, and beliefs change with the seasons- allow yourself to be flexible.
Be thankful-
Take the time to picayunely address everything you see around you that's not a negative and say thanks for it, to your god, to the people or animals who surround you, to a higher power, to the universe, to yourself. Even just stating "I'm so very thankful for ___ because ___" will do the trick. Do it often, do it for everything. Go out of your way to find something you are grateful for, something that makes you smile, or something you couldn't live without (your car, your cat, your book collection, your comic books, DVDs, video games, beer, chocolate, pajamas, your iPhone, green grass, brown grass, grey skies, vampires, whatever). Anything remotely close to being ok needs this ritual applied to it (that means being thankful for the toilet and plumbing, running water, window panes or screens depending on where you live, carpet, the couch, the heater or air conditioner or fan, light bulbs, whatever). Be as ridiculous as you like- make it into a game- just be honestly grateful and thankful when you say so. Realize and connect with your gratitude. Understand how life would be different and more difficult without these things (no plumbing means getting cold, wet, and miserable running outside to use the bathroom). Whenever you realize that you are alive and a part of existence, find something around you to be truly grateful for and connect to that gratitude in the moment.
“Let gratitude be the pillow upon which you kneel to say your nightly prayer. And let faith be the bridge you build to overcome evil and welcome good.”
— Maya Angelou
Which leads me to the next item...
Make up a new story-
I don't mean make up a new story about what happened to you. That's over and in the past. The story you get to create is the story of how your past will shape your future and what the past means to you in relation to the present and the future. You need to look ahead for this. What do you want out of life? It doesn't need to be specific for now, your thoughts on this may not even make sense right away- just a general idea or feeling will do, and as a hint, it often won't center around you directly or specifically. Mine was that I would like my experience to help as many other people as possible, hopefully catching on like wildfire and changing the dogma of society from the smallest unit (the person or family level), removing the social stigma from a natural process (PTSD, depression, anxiety), and creating a new and empathetic future for mankind. Yours may be quite different! You get to choose and rewrite your path. Sure we all learned in math class that bad things happen to good people and that's bad, but you get to decide what that means, what that equation equals. Will you take what has happened and transmute it for your higher goals and purposes? Will you remember your loss and use it for good purposes, or destructive purposes? Will you give the cherished thing that was lost the honor in your life that it deserves, or deny it the potential it gave to you? You get to decide, and decide what these questions mean for you. You are an empty slate- the world is yours for the taking- but feel free to go easy and take your time. Enjoy the process.
Rinse, wash, repeat-
As life goes through cycles, so will your journey. It will be made of many battles, and these steps will need repeated. Constantly. Re-state mantras, form new ones, monitor your thoughts always, be inquisitive and curious, be open and non-judgemental, be empathetic and listen, learn something interesting about yourself everyday, consider your options, and always remember your purpose (which you create with every thought), shaping the fallout of your past to be both the bridge and the driving force to get you to your future.
------------------------------
Go through your day and see how much you can observe rather than simply react to. How does it feel? How free can you feel by allowing emotions without reacting to them?
Here are a few mantras I've discovered that have helped me along...
I refuse to be a victim- I am the one who chooses what path I take
I am strong- I don't need to allow my thoughts to control me
I choose what will have meaning in my life and what it's purpose will be- I choose to use what has happened for good
If its happening, be for it- allow whatever is happening in this moment to happen and be present for it; you can't fight an ocean current, just let it wash over you
I am a river of life energy and peace- I allow what is to wash over me and happen
I am enough
When I seek others what I truly desire is connection, not attention
I don't need to fix anything, I'm not broken- I am fine in the now, I am me in the present and I'm here
Here's a daily e-letter (small daily e-note) of mantra starters and universal truths you can subscribe to, to help start your day. Notes from the universe.
What mantras resonate with you? If you could envision some mantras to take you to your desired outcome, what would they be? What personal truths would they be centered around? What qualities do you already possess that could take you further on your journey and help you create a clearer path?
I leave you with a mantra of truth- "You are exactly all you need"
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Savoring and Serving- in wholeness and entirety
This is a response post to a simple question I was asked a few weeks ago. "What is savoring and serving to you, and what have you done in this manner this past year?" As simple a question this may seem, in pondering it and reading some responses to the question, I realized that we all are very biased toward the nature of these words and therefore are partial to the nature of the question itself. We tend to dichotomize our reality, only choosing to savor the desirable, and only wishing to serve through the ideal. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), life is not that clean, not that neat, organized and placed. Our proverbial ducks never seem to be in a row, and life is quite messy, unwanted in the moment, certainly not processed or ideal! We are encouraged to believe in the ideal, to strive toward perfection and the pristine. We are told that messy is wrong, chaotic is bad, and even though as kids we never seem to completely subscribe to this philosophy, somewhere along the way we all mindlessly agree that it is untenable truth. As adults we fight, struggle, tread the murky waters- the sea of ideal- often stagnating ourselves in the inevitable until we break down... And then what? It's near impossible going back to the beautiful, unadulterated, ignorant, messy bliss of childhood- we've already subscribed to the lie- but perhaps we can realize truth and allow ourselves a lovely, blissful break from all the should's, could's, and order demanded of us to appreciate our life for the beautiful, sometimes irritating mess that it is.
Response:
When most people think of "savoring", I don't think they usually include pain as a possible option, however I've come to see that by completely avoiding this aspect of self, one cannot truly savor the other, usually more desirable, aspects of self or those usually more desirable moments of life. The truth is we learn more about ourselves in our times of low, our times of suffering and pain when the mask of "ok" is removed. We understand hidden aspects of ourselves in these less desired moments- what in actuality we choose to focus on or act upon, what we really are thinking and telling ourselves, what energies actually drive us, and the stuff we truly are made of. We can vividly see our perceived faults with no masks, disguises, cloaks, or camouflage, and if we allow ourselves to truly stay in the moment we can even choose to accept ourselves exactly as we are, again and again, producing self awareness, understanding, empathy and compassion that can radiate and spread like a fire, affecting and changing others (and probably also ourselves).
This has been my epiphany this past year as my year has been quite difficult. One must learn to savor oneself before one can truly serve oneself, and one must understand this to truly savor another, but one must serve oneself before one can serve another, and in order to serve effectively one must be able to truly savor the other (not to sound like Yoda, but it's true). Often it's easier to fight and stubbornly struggle and refuse one's plight than to accept or even to savor, but ultimately the truth is that this is MY plight, MY struggle, MY life. Although I didn't own (and refuse to own) the actions that produced my plight, the outcome it has produced in my life is mine to own, and this life including all its plights, struggles and outcomes is the only life I can own. Some days have been so much more than a struggle, and some have been relatively ok, but I've found that if I stop and actively choose to embrace each day, embrace the struggle, embrace my life, I am in actuality embracing myself- my whole self, not just the pieces. By embracing myself, I am in actuality savoring myself and the life I choose to live. By savoring myself wholly (not just the fractured shards, bits or pieces that I or others deem acceptable) I am able in turn to savor others, and learn to savor and embrace not just their parts, but their whole, to gaze upon another and see the perceived flaws as a whole canvas rather than just brushstrokes, to choose to savor another as I savor myself and the brief interactions between us (regardless of what the interactions may be). It's not easy, and requires constant reminding and practice, but through vigilance and tenacious persistence I can make this practice a habit.
I have opened wide my own grief and past trauma to others this year as a means of promoting change in cultural dialogue, understanding, tolerance, healing, effectiveness, teaching, and compassion. I have exposed all the facets of my suffering and healing, past and present, so perhaps others may not have to suffer as much (although suffering is inevitable) and I can offer others a map of options and paths that may be just out of their field of vision. In this way I bravely serve- I have chosen to offer myself as a whole (aspects generally and culturally desired and those not so desired), and to also accept others as a whole, as a beautiful snapshot of a work in constant progress, and hopefully to shed a beacon on a brave internal path to healing, understanding, acceptance, and compassion. Because only through compassion and wholehearted acceptance can we fully savor or serve ourselves and others...
....What about you? What is savoring, and what is serving to you? How do you incorporate these beliefs in your life on a daily basis? Weekly basis? Monthly basis? What are your plans for continuing this in the future and how do you foresee yourself carrying these intentions forward? And what about when life throws you that inevitable curve? How will you refocus, ground and center yourself to continue to savor and serve fully, in all aspects of your life, both inward and outward?
Thanks to Jen Louden at the Savor and Serve Cafe for the healthy koan to meditate over!
Response:
When most people think of "savoring", I don't think they usually include pain as a possible option, however I've come to see that by completely avoiding this aspect of self, one cannot truly savor the other, usually more desirable, aspects of self or those usually more desirable moments of life. The truth is we learn more about ourselves in our times of low, our times of suffering and pain when the mask of "ok" is removed. We understand hidden aspects of ourselves in these less desired moments- what in actuality we choose to focus on or act upon, what we really are thinking and telling ourselves, what energies actually drive us, and the stuff we truly are made of. We can vividly see our perceived faults with no masks, disguises, cloaks, or camouflage, and if we allow ourselves to truly stay in the moment we can even choose to accept ourselves exactly as we are, again and again, producing self awareness, understanding, empathy and compassion that can radiate and spread like a fire, affecting and changing others (and probably also ourselves).
This has been my epiphany this past year as my year has been quite difficult. One must learn to savor oneself before one can truly serve oneself, and one must understand this to truly savor another, but one must serve oneself before one can serve another, and in order to serve effectively one must be able to truly savor the other (not to sound like Yoda, but it's true). Often it's easier to fight and stubbornly struggle and refuse one's plight than to accept or even to savor, but ultimately the truth is that this is MY plight, MY struggle, MY life. Although I didn't own (and refuse to own) the actions that produced my plight, the outcome it has produced in my life is mine to own, and this life including all its plights, struggles and outcomes is the only life I can own. Some days have been so much more than a struggle, and some have been relatively ok, but I've found that if I stop and actively choose to embrace each day, embrace the struggle, embrace my life, I am in actuality embracing myself- my whole self, not just the pieces. By embracing myself, I am in actuality savoring myself and the life I choose to live. By savoring myself wholly (not just the fractured shards, bits or pieces that I or others deem acceptable) I am able in turn to savor others, and learn to savor and embrace not just their parts, but their whole, to gaze upon another and see the perceived flaws as a whole canvas rather than just brushstrokes, to choose to savor another as I savor myself and the brief interactions between us (regardless of what the interactions may be). It's not easy, and requires constant reminding and practice, but through vigilance and tenacious persistence I can make this practice a habit.
I have opened wide my own grief and past trauma to others this year as a means of promoting change in cultural dialogue, understanding, tolerance, healing, effectiveness, teaching, and compassion. I have exposed all the facets of my suffering and healing, past and present, so perhaps others may not have to suffer as much (although suffering is inevitable) and I can offer others a map of options and paths that may be just out of their field of vision. In this way I bravely serve- I have chosen to offer myself as a whole (aspects generally and culturally desired and those not so desired), and to also accept others as a whole, as a beautiful snapshot of a work in constant progress, and hopefully to shed a beacon on a brave internal path to healing, understanding, acceptance, and compassion. Because only through compassion and wholehearted acceptance can we fully savor or serve ourselves and others...
....What about you? What is savoring, and what is serving to you? How do you incorporate these beliefs in your life on a daily basis? Weekly basis? Monthly basis? What are your plans for continuing this in the future and how do you foresee yourself carrying these intentions forward? And what about when life throws you that inevitable curve? How will you refocus, ground and center yourself to continue to savor and serve fully, in all aspects of your life, both inward and outward?
Thanks to Jen Louden at the Savor and Serve Cafe for the healthy koan to meditate over!
Sunday, March 25, 2012
The monster of shame and indignity- the perpetuation of Rape Culture
I live with the effects of rape and PTSD on a daily basis, being constantly reminded of apparitions from the past, watching them as they spook the present, constantly reliving feelings and sensations, mindsets and thoughts long buried. Everything, all the facts, are continuously in the back of my mind, always lurking as an unspoken acknowledgement- just as though someone had written everything on my forehead for all to see, even though in reality it only echoes in the caverns and recesses of my mind.
Sometimes I feel like a human billboard and because of this I often feel like I must prove myself- prove that what happened to me is not of me, that I am not defined by rape, that rape doesn't define who I am at my core level of existence, that I am just fine; that I am normal. I feel subconsciously that I am always striving, always trying to push myself just a bit further into the sunlight, always trying to push the facts farther away from my being or away from my daily existence- to simply be me rather than a reflection of the perceived looking glass of others, a looking glass of judgement, of pain. But in my striving and pretending I am subconsciously allowing myself to become something far more detached- an adulterated form of self mired in half truths and wishful thinking. The fact is, as I am constantly reminded of the truth that happened to me, events that transpired beyond my immediate control, I realize I am not normal, I am often not ok. I am continuously forced to think about these events and the darkness which spiraled from and around this unchosen past every second of every day. I realize that I currently cannot separate myself from these events that have already transpired, nor the thoughts and judgements of others surrounding the direct knowledge of these happenings, and the judgements forced upon me by others due to my reactions over the years to these happenings or to their subsequent triggers. I cannot currently exist separated or outside of it in my reality or my mind because it IS my reality, it HAS happened, there's no going back, no fixing it. In realizing this and feeling the direct effects of the judgements of the masses and society, even the generalized judgements of the control machine and institutions- stigmatizations and generalizations by the masses- I somehow further separate myself from those who would rather sugar-coat existence, those who refuse to face social or inner demons and dragons that need slain in order for humanity to continue to exist and hopefully rise into a new era of loving-kindness and global acceptance for all mankind.
It is far easier to bury a head in the sand than to face unimaginable horrors, as I would know firsthand from ten plus years of my life that were devoted to the cause of ignoring, and hopefully forgetting. Horrors, however, only grow larger, becoming even more devastating and unfathomable over time if given the opportunity and left alone to fester and multiply. The only way to slay these monsters of destruction is to name them and acknowledge their existence, watching and empathizing, choosing to live co-dependently, allowing these feelings to exist while tracing their roots through society- they are truth after all, messy, bloody, ugly, but still truth. This is something that doesn't mesh well with our modern society's beliefs, values, or thought processes, and anyone raised in this modern mindset will undoubtedly find it hard to cope with these blatant warring values and truths. In society everything must be dichotomized- someone must be wrong, everything must be accounted for, perceived irrationality is not acceptable. Emotions surrounding and originating in a traumatic event are perceived as weakness, and instability, and because of the difficulty surrounding proving a rape when emotions or confusion are taken into consideration (80% of rapes are acquaintance rape- involving persons the "victim" is personally familiar with or close to, and only 2% of those are actually reported- understandably so) and due to our society's obsessive objectification of women (which is the driving factor in many- if not half of all- multimillion dollar markets- advertising, music, films, health and beauty industry, etc), women are often blamed, demonized, shamed and ostracized from an uncaring society, a society that originally taught these same women to be objectified. And forget about male rape- society doesn't even allow for this as a discussion or a possibility. Many male "victims" are forced to the fringes of society, silenced, mute and suffering, screaming quietly as society won't listen, won't care.
Perhaps we could better educate our daughters and sons and guard our interpersonal relationships with a healthy skepticism so this mindset isn't passed down to future generations as an antiquated heirloom of human evils and tragedy. The truth is we are all strong, resilient creatures; we just need support. We need society as a whole (including on a cellular level, which starts with YOU and I) to stop objectifying our women, our wives, our mothers, our sisters, our daughters. We are intelligent, sentient beings, not items exclusively for your pleasure or pleasurable viewing. We are human, with human faults, human dreams, desires, thoughts, and emotions. We are all human- whether male or female, and we all deserve the same consideration, the same respects, the same value. Consider your actions, consider your thoughts. Begin to understand your unconscious thoughts and desires, and be sure these desires do nothing less than to uphold the inherent value and sovereignty of every being.
Rape culture doesn't have to continue. With you and I, our friends, our family, our community, we all can begin to change the cultural mindset, the inequality, the silencing, the control- one interaction at a time. With your help we can change this society to be a society of love and empathy, a society where people are heard and nurtured, where our daughters and sons won't suffer a fate of separation, abuse, and tragedy, but of love, understanding, and support.
Sometimes I feel like a human billboard and because of this I often feel like I must prove myself- prove that what happened to me is not of me, that I am not defined by rape, that rape doesn't define who I am at my core level of existence, that I am just fine; that I am normal. I feel subconsciously that I am always striving, always trying to push myself just a bit further into the sunlight, always trying to push the facts farther away from my being or away from my daily existence- to simply be me rather than a reflection of the perceived looking glass of others, a looking glass of judgement, of pain. But in my striving and pretending I am subconsciously allowing myself to become something far more detached- an adulterated form of self mired in half truths and wishful thinking. The fact is, as I am constantly reminded of the truth that happened to me, events that transpired beyond my immediate control, I realize I am not normal, I am often not ok. I am continuously forced to think about these events and the darkness which spiraled from and around this unchosen past every second of every day. I realize that I currently cannot separate myself from these events that have already transpired, nor the thoughts and judgements of others surrounding the direct knowledge of these happenings, and the judgements forced upon me by others due to my reactions over the years to these happenings or to their subsequent triggers. I cannot currently exist separated or outside of it in my reality or my mind because it IS my reality, it HAS happened, there's no going back, no fixing it. In realizing this and feeling the direct effects of the judgements of the masses and society, even the generalized judgements of the control machine and institutions- stigmatizations and generalizations by the masses- I somehow further separate myself from those who would rather sugar-coat existence, those who refuse to face social or inner demons and dragons that need slain in order for humanity to continue to exist and hopefully rise into a new era of loving-kindness and global acceptance for all mankind.
It is far easier to bury a head in the sand than to face unimaginable horrors, as I would know firsthand from ten plus years of my life that were devoted to the cause of ignoring, and hopefully forgetting. Horrors, however, only grow larger, becoming even more devastating and unfathomable over time if given the opportunity and left alone to fester and multiply. The only way to slay these monsters of destruction is to name them and acknowledge their existence, watching and empathizing, choosing to live co-dependently, allowing these feelings to exist while tracing their roots through society- they are truth after all, messy, bloody, ugly, but still truth. This is something that doesn't mesh well with our modern society's beliefs, values, or thought processes, and anyone raised in this modern mindset will undoubtedly find it hard to cope with these blatant warring values and truths. In society everything must be dichotomized- someone must be wrong, everything must be accounted for, perceived irrationality is not acceptable. Emotions surrounding and originating in a traumatic event are perceived as weakness, and instability, and because of the difficulty surrounding proving a rape when emotions or confusion are taken into consideration (80% of rapes are acquaintance rape- involving persons the "victim" is personally familiar with or close to, and only 2% of those are actually reported- understandably so) and due to our society's obsessive objectification of women (which is the driving factor in many- if not half of all- multimillion dollar markets- advertising, music, films, health and beauty industry, etc), women are often blamed, demonized, shamed and ostracized from an uncaring society, a society that originally taught these same women to be objectified. And forget about male rape- society doesn't even allow for this as a discussion or a possibility. Many male "victims" are forced to the fringes of society, silenced, mute and suffering, screaming quietly as society won't listen, won't care.
Perhaps we could better educate our daughters and sons and guard our interpersonal relationships with a healthy skepticism so this mindset isn't passed down to future generations as an antiquated heirloom of human evils and tragedy. The truth is we are all strong, resilient creatures; we just need support. We need society as a whole (including on a cellular level, which starts with YOU and I) to stop objectifying our women, our wives, our mothers, our sisters, our daughters. We are intelligent, sentient beings, not items exclusively for your pleasure or pleasurable viewing. We are human, with human faults, human dreams, desires, thoughts, and emotions. We are all human- whether male or female, and we all deserve the same consideration, the same respects, the same value. Consider your actions, consider your thoughts. Begin to understand your unconscious thoughts and desires, and be sure these desires do nothing less than to uphold the inherent value and sovereignty of every being.
Rape culture doesn't have to continue. With you and I, our friends, our family, our community, we all can begin to change the cultural mindset, the inequality, the silencing, the control- one interaction at a time. With your help we can change this society to be a society of love and empathy, a society where people are heard and nurtured, where our daughters and sons won't suffer a fate of separation, abuse, and tragedy, but of love, understanding, and support.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Tomes buried in the mire
I think it's about time for me to dig up some old writings and post them on here. This will definitely take up many posts, so I plan on spacing them out, one at a time, as brief interludes and adding more as I come across them (some are lost, buried, or possibly even gone forever). It is my hope that these writings may demonstrate the vast array of thoughts, emotions, and certain mindsets that can come about from victimization, PTSD, or even by trying to correct the internal imbalances wrought by these social maladies. Hopefully those who are going through similar circumstances may be shown a window of understanding or recognition into their own suffering as to better understand, relate to, and accept their grief or suffering as an understandable process. As nothing living is stagnant, neither is grief and suffering. The process is ever changing as are one's reactions, internal thought processes, and emotions or extent of emotions. The ever changing dynamic between the way a person may change and thus change their viewpoint toward their own situation and the situations of others, and how they then interact with an ever changing world is fascinating in the least and at most can give us all insight into our own inner demons, their meanings, and the grand scheme of things in our individual lives and personal crises.
As a prelude to my writing I should mention it was written during an online class focusing on building your own personal economy. The class focused on attitudes toward money and wealth, lies and misconceptions in society surrounding finances and economics, and how to take control of your own financial outcome regardless of the financial climate at large. As the assignment was in this context, it will make specific parts of my written response in regards to money or finances more understandable in the context of this post. This assignment showed us how, since we've gone off the gold standard, our money basically is valued with speculation (although it was A LOT more in depth). For our response we were to write a manifesto beginning with "I'm mad as hell and not going to take it anymore" and keep writing about the current state of our economy and financial mess as a society. This writing was done shortly after my PTSD really flared out of control.
November 2010
I wanted to begin this assignment with an apology. My brain put up a terrible resistance to this assignment and finally I began to recognize and realize the resistance. Ever since beginning this class, but even before then, I've been seriously trying to figure out how to deal with a very traumatic, abusive event that happened long ago. A few months ago I tried, on my own, to tear down some walls and barriers and air everything out instead of keeping everything to myself in secrecy. This has been painful, and this assignment began to dig at the very core of my being, and my mind, trying ultimately to protect me, began to fight very hard. I have evidently programmed my mind very well, but then as I started answering questions with answers probably not expected from the originating question, I started writing a book- literally as my pen didn't stop for hours. I began recognizing my mind's protective barrier as the pen kept moving and I felt the anger rise from a deep, ancient well previously buried by years of cynicism. I've realized that I'm very pissed off and finally I'm able to see through my own bullshit and my mind's bullshit stories. I'm mad as hell that I've fallen victim to my own mind and it's made up reality and I'm not going to take it anymore. I will no longer let things out of my control or influence control my thoughts, my emotions, my actions. I will not allow another individual, or my mind's perception of the individual, to control how I perceive reality to actually exist. I will not allow my anger of the past to influence my current situation, my relationships, or my thoughts and perceptions of the actions of others. I will not waste my life on negativity that was perpetrated in ancient times. I will not, I refuse to be, the embodiment of pain, suffering and hurt- actions that I don't resonate with, that I refuse to resonate with. I refuse to offer them a home. They are alien to me. I refuse to hold onto my fear of loss- the fear that my possessions, my soul, my being are able to be taken from me. They are mine as they are of me and cannot be taken or used by those alien or of a different source. I refuse to allow money to hold me. I am its master and it is my tool. Money works for me to provide me with what I want. I refuse to buy into the corporate/political game of life- the quest for more false security. I don't play games- I run by my rules and will never again be a slave to anyone or anything. I refuse to believe that my worth as a person can be summed up by others who play a demoralizing game of catch and release. I will no longer be influenced by those who claim to have rights to a piece of my existence, to a piece of my soul and being. I will never again allow those who judge and grade me like cattle or a beast of burden to have a window of opportunity or criticism into my own worthiness and dignity. I am more than worthy because I create my own reality, and my reality dictates that I am amazing and just right the way I currently am. I've had it with disappointment and disillusionment. If I am the creator of my own immediate existence, then I will create a world for myself and those who desire freedom that contains no apathy, no disillusionment. I will no longer see the current world as an ideal gone sour, but as a sour place to hold ideals captive as I can create a new world. I will no longer see others as partially awake, but as sleeping- dreaming of a reality that will never be grasped in their comatose state. I am an island, with an archipelago surrounding me, but I am strong. I will never be bullied into submission, but rather will retaliate with non-violence by producing my own reality, separating myself from the looters and their production called society, which really in its own accord is the most violent form of non-aggressive aggression that could be perpetrated on their system.
In actuality my PTSD became even worse, however I believe this was a powerful step in regaining control of myself, my mind and my actions, taking responsibility of my mind and my PTSD (although at the time I didn't know it was PTSD) so I was able to produce an outcome that resonated more with myself than allowing others to control the outcome again. Control and safety are both important issues for someone with PTSD, and the first step of deciding to define these for yourself is one of the most important and scary things you can do. I find it almost humorous how certain points above have become either a rallying cry that I've later formed mantras around, an idea that I've either created or am in the process of actively creating, or have become mute points in the scheme of things. I also find interesting how well I can define perimeters that were not understood, but described my my wordage and have turned out all too true- for example "I don't play games". That phrase perhaps defined my existence for a time, and has in fact manifested itself in truth, as the idea of "creative play". This one idea I'm recently discovering (and trying to correct) has become all but eliminated from my life. It's fascinating how our words truly serve to shape and define us as we constantly create newer, more revolutionary versions of our selves in our quest of becoming.
As a prelude to my writing I should mention it was written during an online class focusing on building your own personal economy. The class focused on attitudes toward money and wealth, lies and misconceptions in society surrounding finances and economics, and how to take control of your own financial outcome regardless of the financial climate at large. As the assignment was in this context, it will make specific parts of my written response in regards to money or finances more understandable in the context of this post. This assignment showed us how, since we've gone off the gold standard, our money basically is valued with speculation (although it was A LOT more in depth). For our response we were to write a manifesto beginning with "I'm mad as hell and not going to take it anymore" and keep writing about the current state of our economy and financial mess as a society. This writing was done shortly after my PTSD really flared out of control.
November 2010
I wanted to begin this assignment with an apology. My brain put up a terrible resistance to this assignment and finally I began to recognize and realize the resistance. Ever since beginning this class, but even before then, I've been seriously trying to figure out how to deal with a very traumatic, abusive event that happened long ago. A few months ago I tried, on my own, to tear down some walls and barriers and air everything out instead of keeping everything to myself in secrecy. This has been painful, and this assignment began to dig at the very core of my being, and my mind, trying ultimately to protect me, began to fight very hard. I have evidently programmed my mind very well, but then as I started answering questions with answers probably not expected from the originating question, I started writing a book- literally as my pen didn't stop for hours. I began recognizing my mind's protective barrier as the pen kept moving and I felt the anger rise from a deep, ancient well previously buried by years of cynicism. I've realized that I'm very pissed off and finally I'm able to see through my own bullshit and my mind's bullshit stories. I'm mad as hell that I've fallen victim to my own mind and it's made up reality and I'm not going to take it anymore. I will no longer let things out of my control or influence control my thoughts, my emotions, my actions. I will not allow another individual, or my mind's perception of the individual, to control how I perceive reality to actually exist. I will not allow my anger of the past to influence my current situation, my relationships, or my thoughts and perceptions of the actions of others. I will not waste my life on negativity that was perpetrated in ancient times. I will not, I refuse to be, the embodiment of pain, suffering and hurt- actions that I don't resonate with, that I refuse to resonate with. I refuse to offer them a home. They are alien to me. I refuse to hold onto my fear of loss- the fear that my possessions, my soul, my being are able to be taken from me. They are mine as they are of me and cannot be taken or used by those alien or of a different source. I refuse to allow money to hold me. I am its master and it is my tool. Money works for me to provide me with what I want. I refuse to buy into the corporate/political game of life- the quest for more false security. I don't play games- I run by my rules and will never again be a slave to anyone or anything. I refuse to believe that my worth as a person can be summed up by others who play a demoralizing game of catch and release. I will no longer be influenced by those who claim to have rights to a piece of my existence, to a piece of my soul and being. I will never again allow those who judge and grade me like cattle or a beast of burden to have a window of opportunity or criticism into my own worthiness and dignity. I am more than worthy because I create my own reality, and my reality dictates that I am amazing and just right the way I currently am. I've had it with disappointment and disillusionment. If I am the creator of my own immediate existence, then I will create a world for myself and those who desire freedom that contains no apathy, no disillusionment. I will no longer see the current world as an ideal gone sour, but as a sour place to hold ideals captive as I can create a new world. I will no longer see others as partially awake, but as sleeping- dreaming of a reality that will never be grasped in their comatose state. I am an island, with an archipelago surrounding me, but I am strong. I will never be bullied into submission, but rather will retaliate with non-violence by producing my own reality, separating myself from the looters and their production called society, which really in its own accord is the most violent form of non-aggressive aggression that could be perpetrated on their system.
In actuality my PTSD became even worse, however I believe this was a powerful step in regaining control of myself, my mind and my actions, taking responsibility of my mind and my PTSD (although at the time I didn't know it was PTSD) so I was able to produce an outcome that resonated more with myself than allowing others to control the outcome again. Control and safety are both important issues for someone with PTSD, and the first step of deciding to define these for yourself is one of the most important and scary things you can do. I find it almost humorous how certain points above have become either a rallying cry that I've later formed mantras around, an idea that I've either created or am in the process of actively creating, or have become mute points in the scheme of things. I also find interesting how well I can define perimeters that were not understood, but described my my wordage and have turned out all too true- for example "I don't play games". That phrase perhaps defined my existence for a time, and has in fact manifested itself in truth, as the idea of "creative play". This one idea I'm recently discovering (and trying to correct) has become all but eliminated from my life. It's fascinating how our words truly serve to shape and define us as we constantly create newer, more revolutionary versions of our selves in our quest of becoming.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
O Gray World
Before I get too involved with my next post, I wanted to thank everyone who has supported me and reached out in discussion and acceptance recently as I came public with events of my past and set out on a very open and interesting journey of discovery and sharing about my PTSD and ways I've combatted it, learned from it, and embraced it as a part of me. It is an unusual and strange journey as I don't really know what to expect day to day, season to season, and even though my actions are mine alone to choose, my reactions are often foreign and hard to understand or discern. It's a lot like standing in the middle of a storm without a coat or umbrella, high winds ripping around you, threatening to lift you from the very ground you are rooted to, and all the while you're looking up, focusing, hoping to find a ray of light, a small glimmer from the sun signifying a change in outlook (internal or external). The cycle of storms is repetitive, although no storm is exactly the same. After a time, the howling wind becomes discernable words, speaking from within the eye, seeing clearly all that is surrounding and within the dark, swirling clouds. Each storm allows for more learning, internal awareness, and looking deeper within for answers, and although part of me still tries to reject each storm, part of me embraces each new storm as a new incarnation of an old friend; as a journey along a winding, uneven path that will continue to spiral me deeper into knowing, deeper into understanding, deeper into peace and acceptance.
After completing my long planned work with the World Run for Depression, Anxiety and PTSD last month, a strange feeling washed over me, continuing and gaining intensity like waves on a deserted beach as tide begins to come in. That feeling was a completely permeating and deep sense of apathy and melancholy. After coming open with the world and making my case against certain unnatural but accepted norms in society (rape, victimization, social stigma, etc) I became deeply tired, rather ill, and every cell of my being began to radiate an all encompassing apathy that touched every fiber of my being, radiating into all areas of my life. The world was painted in gray and I had decided gray really wasn't all that bad! (Although living in Seattle I must enjoy gray to some extent ;). I've had to live with apathy in the past before, but under usual circumstances of being I would desperately try to fight it all the way out of my realm of existence, always to little avail. Usually the fight and struggle would create more energy drain resulting in either more apathy or a mix of anger, self chiding, exasperation, and a huge dose of additional apathy scooped on top. In the past I had declared open war on undesirable areas of my life (such as feelings of apathy), these undesirable feelings and reactions were swiftly demonized and ostracized- denied entry into my existence. But by denying what was intrinsically myself, I broke my being into shards and pieces, trying to destroy some and piece the rest into a pattern that would fill in the lost space. It was as though by fighting what was inevitable, what was natural, I would produce more of the same at a furious rate- like a virus- and bury myself further in the sensation I was trying to prevent and avoid.
This time, however the feeling was so pervasive and after expending my energy with the world run, I decided that instead of fighting I would notice, recognize, and ride the feeling like a surfer rides a wave. In other words, I would allow the feeling of apathy to exist. I would acknowledge its presence and I would recognize its right as a viable feeling within my being. I would allow myself to experience the feeling of this wave of apathy to the extent it wished to be felt. I would allow myself to stay in my pajamas all day if I had nowhere to be. I would permit myself to stay in bed rather than face the world. I would accept the feeling, embrace the feeling as my own, and feel its ebb and flow, it's waxing and waning in every instant of my existence. I would allow it as part of myself. I found that by permitting and allowing rather than forcing the inner war of stability and permanence, the feeling initially gained intensity and strength, like a two year old throwing a tantrum. However the massive storm wasn't painful anymore- slightly confusing or mildly irritating, but not painful. And instead of an anger and an intruder mentality, a rush to war, there was a natural sense of intrigue and curiosity. By acknowledging this undesirable feeling had a right to exist I stopped warring with parts of myself and justified parts of myself that had been demonized and cut off in the past. Slowly I was allowing myself to become more whole, allowing more of the self to exist in inner freedom and harmony, at peace with the other pieces of self, back to the natural progression, the natural place of being.
The truth is there is very little, even in our inner spectrum of understanding, that we can actually control. Actions of others can sometimes be influenced, but not controlled. This produces instinctual or learned inner reactions. Again, these can sometimes be influenced over time, learned differently, but never controlled. We can make a conscious attempt to rewire responses and rewrite our reactions, but the reactions continue to be what they will. They are the internal storm, the personal storm we weather alone repeatedly, the old friends we become familiar with through our journey, the pieces of our being of which only we are aware, pieces of intrinsic self we choose to either embrace or reject. These choices directly influence the actions we choose and these choices are the only things in life over which we actually can successfully exercise control, all else is smoke in mirrors. When faced with a simple truth, a simple solution usually suffices. The simplest answer boils down to yet another truth. You are enough. Intrinsically all you are in your perfection and all your glorious imperfection, is enough and is truly everything you need.
After completing my long planned work with the World Run for Depression, Anxiety and PTSD last month, a strange feeling washed over me, continuing and gaining intensity like waves on a deserted beach as tide begins to come in. That feeling was a completely permeating and deep sense of apathy and melancholy. After coming open with the world and making my case against certain unnatural but accepted norms in society (rape, victimization, social stigma, etc) I became deeply tired, rather ill, and every cell of my being began to radiate an all encompassing apathy that touched every fiber of my being, radiating into all areas of my life. The world was painted in gray and I had decided gray really wasn't all that bad! (Although living in Seattle I must enjoy gray to some extent ;). I've had to live with apathy in the past before, but under usual circumstances of being I would desperately try to fight it all the way out of my realm of existence, always to little avail. Usually the fight and struggle would create more energy drain resulting in either more apathy or a mix of anger, self chiding, exasperation, and a huge dose of additional apathy scooped on top. In the past I had declared open war on undesirable areas of my life (such as feelings of apathy), these undesirable feelings and reactions were swiftly demonized and ostracized- denied entry into my existence. But by denying what was intrinsically myself, I broke my being into shards and pieces, trying to destroy some and piece the rest into a pattern that would fill in the lost space. It was as though by fighting what was inevitable, what was natural, I would produce more of the same at a furious rate- like a virus- and bury myself further in the sensation I was trying to prevent and avoid.
This time, however the feeling was so pervasive and after expending my energy with the world run, I decided that instead of fighting I would notice, recognize, and ride the feeling like a surfer rides a wave. In other words, I would allow the feeling of apathy to exist. I would acknowledge its presence and I would recognize its right as a viable feeling within my being. I would allow myself to experience the feeling of this wave of apathy to the extent it wished to be felt. I would allow myself to stay in my pajamas all day if I had nowhere to be. I would permit myself to stay in bed rather than face the world. I would accept the feeling, embrace the feeling as my own, and feel its ebb and flow, it's waxing and waning in every instant of my existence. I would allow it as part of myself. I found that by permitting and allowing rather than forcing the inner war of stability and permanence, the feeling initially gained intensity and strength, like a two year old throwing a tantrum. However the massive storm wasn't painful anymore- slightly confusing or mildly irritating, but not painful. And instead of an anger and an intruder mentality, a rush to war, there was a natural sense of intrigue and curiosity. By acknowledging this undesirable feeling had a right to exist I stopped warring with parts of myself and justified parts of myself that had been demonized and cut off in the past. Slowly I was allowing myself to become more whole, allowing more of the self to exist in inner freedom and harmony, at peace with the other pieces of self, back to the natural progression, the natural place of being.
The truth is there is very little, even in our inner spectrum of understanding, that we can actually control. Actions of others can sometimes be influenced, but not controlled. This produces instinctual or learned inner reactions. Again, these can sometimes be influenced over time, learned differently, but never controlled. We can make a conscious attempt to rewire responses and rewrite our reactions, but the reactions continue to be what they will. They are the internal storm, the personal storm we weather alone repeatedly, the old friends we become familiar with through our journey, the pieces of our being of which only we are aware, pieces of intrinsic self we choose to either embrace or reject. These choices directly influence the actions we choose and these choices are the only things in life over which we actually can successfully exercise control, all else is smoke in mirrors. When faced with a simple truth, a simple solution usually suffices. The simplest answer boils down to yet another truth. You are enough. Intrinsically all you are in your perfection and all your glorious imperfection, is enough and is truly everything you need.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Seattle World Run Depression, Anxiety, PTSD support and information lecture series
Please scroll to the bottom of any page to see updated dates, times, and locations for the Depression, Anxiety and PTSD lecture series and information about our Salsa Night for Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD. There are also built in maps for your convenience. Hope to see you there!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Love World Run for Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD
For those battling with PTSD, depression and anxiety, stigma is a major roadblock to recovery, and often a major roadblock to admitting there is an issue that needs addressed in your life. It's a burden placed on the shoulders of struggling people by society, and it's hard to break through the layers of repression, fear, shame and control to finally take the reigns of life and regain what was rightfully yours to begin with. Even after taking such a monumental step as this it can be overwhelming, and the ghosts of fear, shame, repression and control leave a nasty residue that never fully wears off no matter how hard you may try to scrub at the corners of your mind. Certain conversations spark triggers- painful reminders of what happened to you, why it was wrong, and why by proxy you are a bad person (for somehow allowing it to happen, for not being able to "get over it", for talking about it or bringing it up, for the perception of making it other's problems by sharing, for feeling the way you do and not having the ability to see light at the end of the tunnel). The dominant whole dictates the actions, thoughts, and inner emotions of all. They are terrified at your experience. The one effects all. You cannot escape. You are bound by societal discretion.
But does reality really need to be this way? Can we not collectively shatter the mirror of society, the magic mirror that dictates what is socially acceptable or allowable? Can we not create an empathetic society starting with ourselves and our thoughts, moving on to our circle of friends and our conversations, and finishing with our children and our teachings, making a world where people don't need to contemplate isolation, self harm or suicide? I can imagine a world where society embraces and supports each other, where a circle of friends embraces another into the fold who is suffering, where we can truly, empathetically, have a social conversation with the general populace at large that embraces diversity, empathy, understanding and acceptance. I believe we can reach an ideal where this is the norm, not the exception. I believe as a whole we already wish to exist in this ideal.
I am a believer of action, and as such have joined forces with an enigmatic person from Vancouver, BC who is embarking today on a World Run for Depression and Anxiety (and during the Washington State portion, with my assistance, will be running for PTSD as well). We both believe the world is ready for this message and is willing to embrace a cultural shift to move us onward towards a more accepting, inclusive future. He has already run across Canada for the cause (www.crosscanadarun.com) and is currently choosing to literally run around the world to raise awareness and understanding for anxiety and depression (of which he is a long time sufferer) and dispel social stigma surrounding these issues (www.loveworldrun.com). We will be speaking anywhere along the journey where we are welcome and people will listen to our message and our stories. We will be doing everything we can to raise our voices collectively for the cause.
I would now like to ask those of you, my social circle, members of greater social circles and society at large to join us in our plight. Help us raise our voices together by sharing these sites and my blog with everyone you know (20% or more of the population is suffering from anxiety, depression and PTSD at any given moment, and we are positive you are obliviously surrounded by suffering- help people anonymously by showing generalized support for a cause that is certainly affecting those you care about by sharing these sites), follow this blog or get email updates and start supportive, safe dialogue in the comments (so those still carrying the weight of stigma and shame will feel more acceptable and begin the journey of opening and healing), support us with a quick donation, or pledge per lecture spoken or per mile ran, support button located on my home page right hand side (this helps continue the World Run and all we do, as it is all personally funded and completely on a full time volunteer effort), support us by attending the events I've posted at the bottom of my home page after my blog posts, and bring everyone you can (this helps us spread our message and healing as far as we can into the community), and finally help by donating your time (to help me publicize or to help Wayne organize), your couch (or spare room), or energy (by pledging to run with Wayne) if you are in or near a city he will be visiting.
We appreciate all that you, the members of our ever evolving society and social circles, are willing to do to help as catalysts for a brighter, happier future, where people can bask in the glowing embrace of acceptance and empathy from their fellow man and truly understand not just how to manage a meager existence, but what it is to live.
"Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love. Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
Lao Tzu
"One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life, that word is Love."
Socrates
But does reality really need to be this way? Can we not collectively shatter the mirror of society, the magic mirror that dictates what is socially acceptable or allowable? Can we not create an empathetic society starting with ourselves and our thoughts, moving on to our circle of friends and our conversations, and finishing with our children and our teachings, making a world where people don't need to contemplate isolation, self harm or suicide? I can imagine a world where society embraces and supports each other, where a circle of friends embraces another into the fold who is suffering, where we can truly, empathetically, have a social conversation with the general populace at large that embraces diversity, empathy, understanding and acceptance. I believe we can reach an ideal where this is the norm, not the exception. I believe as a whole we already wish to exist in this ideal.
I am a believer of action, and as such have joined forces with an enigmatic person from Vancouver, BC who is embarking today on a World Run for Depression and Anxiety (and during the Washington State portion, with my assistance, will be running for PTSD as well). We both believe the world is ready for this message and is willing to embrace a cultural shift to move us onward towards a more accepting, inclusive future. He has already run across Canada for the cause (www.crosscanadarun.com) and is currently choosing to literally run around the world to raise awareness and understanding for anxiety and depression (of which he is a long time sufferer) and dispel social stigma surrounding these issues (www.loveworldrun.com). We will be speaking anywhere along the journey where we are welcome and people will listen to our message and our stories. We will be doing everything we can to raise our voices collectively for the cause.
I would now like to ask those of you, my social circle, members of greater social circles and society at large to join us in our plight. Help us raise our voices together by sharing these sites and my blog with everyone you know (20% or more of the population is suffering from anxiety, depression and PTSD at any given moment, and we are positive you are obliviously surrounded by suffering- help people anonymously by showing generalized support for a cause that is certainly affecting those you care about by sharing these sites), follow this blog or get email updates and start supportive, safe dialogue in the comments (so those still carrying the weight of stigma and shame will feel more acceptable and begin the journey of opening and healing), support us with a quick donation, or pledge per lecture spoken or per mile ran, support button located on my home page right hand side (this helps continue the World Run and all we do, as it is all personally funded and completely on a full time volunteer effort), support us by attending the events I've posted at the bottom of my home page after my blog posts, and bring everyone you can (this helps us spread our message and healing as far as we can into the community), and finally help by donating your time (to help me publicize or to help Wayne organize), your couch (or spare room), or energy (by pledging to run with Wayne) if you are in or near a city he will be visiting.
We appreciate all that you, the members of our ever evolving society and social circles, are willing to do to help as catalysts for a brighter, happier future, where people can bask in the glowing embrace of acceptance and empathy from their fellow man and truly understand not just how to manage a meager existence, but what it is to live.
"Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love. Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
Lao Tzu
"One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life, that word is Love."
Socrates
Friday, December 23, 2011
The best present
We as human beings love obscurity and the vague, to be in and among existence, but to simultaneously shut off and unplug. We love to allow our consciousness to drift here, there, reliving the past, dreaming about the future, existing everywhere but in the present moment. We wistfully float around remembering the past or zip impatiently into the future. But remaining present in your life in this very moment, experiencing exactly what is occurring and embracing what currently is happening right now, and now, and now, and (you get it, right?) is the very best present we can ever give ourselves.
By living in the past we continue patterns, some positive (using the past to shape your future by the present moment), but most having negative effects. We focus on what could have been or on what shouldn't have happened, usually focusing on some aspect that leaves us stuck, emotionally stunted, and continuing a cycle that we don't want and is hard to break. Even nostalgic reminiscing can produce negative effects if we believe the past to be a more desired place than the present moment and fall into escapist patterns. But while suffering from ailments such as PTSD it is terribly hard to keep your mind from thinking of and ruminating obsessively on the past. It often seems uncontrollable and the mind seems to act of its own volition.
Living with your focus in the future is often like offering a loan to a kid to produce a start up company. Sure there will be large, grandiose, interesting ideas, but the likelihood of anything specific coming to fruition, especially the way it's planned, is slim. The future rarely turns out as planned, and although a plan or map to travel in the right direction is important, it takes flexibility and creativity to get where we are going as our cartography skills are poor unless we've been to these places before (which is why reliving the past is so easy), this requires remaining in and assessing the present moment. When living with your focus elsewhere rather than focusing your awareness on the present moment, you miss all the magic, beauty, and whole-ness from both positive and negative experiences that exists only in the now.
By noticing positive aspects of the present moment one can break free from the past and live without fear of the future, but it takes patience, practice, and time (and it's something I'm still personally learning and working on). The practice is unending, culminating when life ceases. When negative memories of the past come up, realize where it belongs. It's not currently happening, it can't affect you physically in a harmful manner, it's just an old home movie of the mind, and just as movies hypnotize and produce emotion, so is the movie in your mind trying to elicit a response and keep the past forever alive as a corpse zombie in the present. Realize this as what it is, label it and use it as a compass to direct yourself to a more desirable future. Do you enjoy the memory? If so why? If not why? Recognize the aspects you enjoy or dislike about the memory most (spending time with family or friends, giving alone time to yourself, playing music, making art, being joyful, or massive anxiety, sadness, overwhelm, etc) and think of ways you could manipulate the present moment to give you more of what you want and less of what you don't. Be realistic in your wants (don't require the impossible of yourself- you can't get back something permanently lost- what about that thing in the past did you enjoy? Find a similar result through alternate means) and make a game plan for the present, thinking solely of what you need right now. Keep in mind any negative consequences the future may hold for your current actions, and make sure you are going in the general direction you wish your future to take, but otherwise live in the now, notice the now, do what it is you need to do now to produce the things you want more of. Start small. If you enjoy spending time with family, plan some get togethers like a game night or go out in nature together with a picnic lunch. If you enjoy some time alone for your sanity, give yourself a coffee or tea break alone at a coffee shop, or retreat to your bedroom for 20 minute do-not-disturb time, maybe with a book or to meditate with quiet music. Get creative! Combine your likes, or treat yourself to your favorite snack or activity after doing something you dread but have to do (seeing the doctor or cleaning the litter box). Realize that this very moment you are in is all that is. It is the now, the present, this moment is all that is. This moment is all existence. Soak it up and enjoy it in tranquil peace. Notice all the good around you- in other's lives and yours. Notice beauty and good in all you see and make a point of noticing. This strengthens your "beauty, peace, and happiness" muscle that influences your outlook on life. If you want peace and contentment while in the midst of life's chaos, you must make this part of your being strong through constant practice. Just notice and constantly try- it doesn't have to be perfect, the effort and consistency is what counts.
The negative aspects of your past are usually harder to eliminate from your future in the same way that you can increase the positive, as they are usually things out of your control. In this instance it's better to change your focus and mentality. Focus on the positive and creating positive in the present moment, and when the negative inevitably shows itself, release yourself from your attachment and emotions the best you can, and observe as they happen. Allow them to happen and just notice and label them in your mind. Notice any patterns or if any are repeating themes. You may be surprised at the results. Think of different ways to approach or think about these patterns to change them (after you settle down and return to a place close to normalcy). This is very personal and differs for each person and instance, so get creative! Try different things and see what works best for you, and be patient. You can't reverse trends that took years (maybe your whole life) to create in one day, week, month or year. Be kind and gentle and nurturing to yourself. When something catastrophic happens, recognize it as that, understand that this happens and is normal, allow yourself to feel what you do, and do something for yourself after the initial rush of overwhelm and emotions passes. Give yourself a small timeout to recharge and breathe. "Enjoy" the present moment the best you can with all the current swarm of emotions and perceived negativity. In this moment you are painfully and acutely alive ("I hurt myself today to see if I still feel"). Feel your pain, your emotions, and understand that this is the present- currently this is what is, this is the only moment you have. Realize that, and observe life happening around you. Notice the positive (beautiful green trees, or mountains in the distance, or lush graffiti on the brick wall across the street, or flowers in a yard, or a beautifully grey swath of sky to match your feelings, crows pecking around trying to survive, or other people going down the street in the fog of monotonous existence- you in this moment are awake) notice whatever seems beautiful to you or good. Whenever you are able, focus on the beauty around you in nature, manmade objects, even junk. See life as an artist or through the lens of an indie movie-maker, and know that all things come in waves and cycles. Learn to decipher these waves and cycles and you have the key to your own existence.
The past is but a dream or nightmare, the future a spectral uncertainty, only by existing in the present moment can we embrace our true nature and true selves and enjoy the gift of life in its entirety. The best present is NOW!
By living in the past we continue patterns, some positive (using the past to shape your future by the present moment), but most having negative effects. We focus on what could have been or on what shouldn't have happened, usually focusing on some aspect that leaves us stuck, emotionally stunted, and continuing a cycle that we don't want and is hard to break. Even nostalgic reminiscing can produce negative effects if we believe the past to be a more desired place than the present moment and fall into escapist patterns. But while suffering from ailments such as PTSD it is terribly hard to keep your mind from thinking of and ruminating obsessively on the past. It often seems uncontrollable and the mind seems to act of its own volition.
Living with your focus in the future is often like offering a loan to a kid to produce a start up company. Sure there will be large, grandiose, interesting ideas, but the likelihood of anything specific coming to fruition, especially the way it's planned, is slim. The future rarely turns out as planned, and although a plan or map to travel in the right direction is important, it takes flexibility and creativity to get where we are going as our cartography skills are poor unless we've been to these places before (which is why reliving the past is so easy), this requires remaining in and assessing the present moment. When living with your focus elsewhere rather than focusing your awareness on the present moment, you miss all the magic, beauty, and whole-ness from both positive and negative experiences that exists only in the now.
By noticing positive aspects of the present moment one can break free from the past and live without fear of the future, but it takes patience, practice, and time (and it's something I'm still personally learning and working on). The practice is unending, culminating when life ceases. When negative memories of the past come up, realize where it belongs. It's not currently happening, it can't affect you physically in a harmful manner, it's just an old home movie of the mind, and just as movies hypnotize and produce emotion, so is the movie in your mind trying to elicit a response and keep the past forever alive as a corpse zombie in the present. Realize this as what it is, label it and use it as a compass to direct yourself to a more desirable future. Do you enjoy the memory? If so why? If not why? Recognize the aspects you enjoy or dislike about the memory most (spending time with family or friends, giving alone time to yourself, playing music, making art, being joyful, or massive anxiety, sadness, overwhelm, etc) and think of ways you could manipulate the present moment to give you more of what you want and less of what you don't. Be realistic in your wants (don't require the impossible of yourself- you can't get back something permanently lost- what about that thing in the past did you enjoy? Find a similar result through alternate means) and make a game plan for the present, thinking solely of what you need right now. Keep in mind any negative consequences the future may hold for your current actions, and make sure you are going in the general direction you wish your future to take, but otherwise live in the now, notice the now, do what it is you need to do now to produce the things you want more of. Start small. If you enjoy spending time with family, plan some get togethers like a game night or go out in nature together with a picnic lunch. If you enjoy some time alone for your sanity, give yourself a coffee or tea break alone at a coffee shop, or retreat to your bedroom for 20 minute do-not-disturb time, maybe with a book or to meditate with quiet music. Get creative! Combine your likes, or treat yourself to your favorite snack or activity after doing something you dread but have to do (seeing the doctor or cleaning the litter box). Realize that this very moment you are in is all that is. It is the now, the present, this moment is all that is. This moment is all existence. Soak it up and enjoy it in tranquil peace. Notice all the good around you- in other's lives and yours. Notice beauty and good in all you see and make a point of noticing. This strengthens your "beauty, peace, and happiness" muscle that influences your outlook on life. If you want peace and contentment while in the midst of life's chaos, you must make this part of your being strong through constant practice. Just notice and constantly try- it doesn't have to be perfect, the effort and consistency is what counts.
The negative aspects of your past are usually harder to eliminate from your future in the same way that you can increase the positive, as they are usually things out of your control. In this instance it's better to change your focus and mentality. Focus on the positive and creating positive in the present moment, and when the negative inevitably shows itself, release yourself from your attachment and emotions the best you can, and observe as they happen. Allow them to happen and just notice and label them in your mind. Notice any patterns or if any are repeating themes. You may be surprised at the results. Think of different ways to approach or think about these patterns to change them (after you settle down and return to a place close to normalcy). This is very personal and differs for each person and instance, so get creative! Try different things and see what works best for you, and be patient. You can't reverse trends that took years (maybe your whole life) to create in one day, week, month or year. Be kind and gentle and nurturing to yourself. When something catastrophic happens, recognize it as that, understand that this happens and is normal, allow yourself to feel what you do, and do something for yourself after the initial rush of overwhelm and emotions passes. Give yourself a small timeout to recharge and breathe. "Enjoy" the present moment the best you can with all the current swarm of emotions and perceived negativity. In this moment you are painfully and acutely alive ("I hurt myself today to see if I still feel"). Feel your pain, your emotions, and understand that this is the present- currently this is what is, this is the only moment you have. Realize that, and observe life happening around you. Notice the positive (beautiful green trees, or mountains in the distance, or lush graffiti on the brick wall across the street, or flowers in a yard, or a beautifully grey swath of sky to match your feelings, crows pecking around trying to survive, or other people going down the street in the fog of monotonous existence- you in this moment are awake) notice whatever seems beautiful to you or good. Whenever you are able, focus on the beauty around you in nature, manmade objects, even junk. See life as an artist or through the lens of an indie movie-maker, and know that all things come in waves and cycles. Learn to decipher these waves and cycles and you have the key to your own existence.
The past is but a dream or nightmare, the future a spectral uncertainty, only by existing in the present moment can we embrace our true nature and true selves and enjoy the gift of life in its entirety. The best present is NOW!
Friday, December 9, 2011
Epic of the Selves
Self
You mourn for the me which I am not
The me which has been and is no more
An entity which has ceased function, feeling, living
The ancient self of chains and boundaries.
I rejoice in the me of the now
No sadness for the past or wishing for the future
Of living in a world that has withered and vanished
No mourning for an outdated, different version of me.
I endure and thrive in the present moment
The me of the current hour, my creative soul's birthright
Oh sweet energy! Conceive a being of your own, spring forth!
In the force of eclectic, effervescent chaos.
Am I conditional and do I exist in suffering?
Still trapped in the prisons of the minds of man?
Existing in a fantastical non existence,
Or frozen in a berg of sterility, safely housed in past memory?
I have broken these chains and escaped my dungeon
My life is mine to live basking in the glory of my mind
Freedom beckons through the golden bastion over horizons unending
The moonbeams of my current consciousness, my existence.
Collectively housed, past and present
My existences battle to survive
Frozen time in consciousness' unending
Unyielding to my new, current vision
Forever battling an epic war eternal in the minds of mankind.
You mourn for the me which I am not
The me which has been and is no more
An entity which has ceased function, feeling, living
The ancient self of chains and boundaries.
I rejoice in the me of the now
No sadness for the past or wishing for the future
Of living in a world that has withered and vanished
No mourning for an outdated, different version of me.
I endure and thrive in the present moment
The me of the current hour, my creative soul's birthright
Oh sweet energy! Conceive a being of your own, spring forth!
In the force of eclectic, effervescent chaos.
Am I conditional and do I exist in suffering?
Still trapped in the prisons of the minds of man?
Existing in a fantastical non existence,
Or frozen in a berg of sterility, safely housed in past memory?
I have broken these chains and escaped my dungeon
My life is mine to live basking in the glory of my mind
Freedom beckons through the golden bastion over horizons unending
The moonbeams of my current consciousness, my existence.
Collectively housed, past and present
My existences battle to survive
Frozen time in consciousness' unending
Unyielding to my new, current vision
Forever battling an epic war eternal in the minds of mankind.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Baby it's cold outside
Baby it's cold outside
Permeating throughout society are interesting, strange, pervasive theories about women, gender roles, male dominance, and rape. I believe these all to be intertwined, their patriarchal roots anchored deep in ancient soil, penetrating to the very core of even our modern, rational, scientific age. They are often subconscious assumptions, reactions, teachings, learned and passed down through the "craft", an art of subjugation so engrained in our collective consciousness and subconscious understanding that even the frivolous glory of our dominant culture and discourses only begins to dig at the roots, not yet understanding how far down they have actually embedded into the murky depths.
Even understanding these murky, dank undertones, beginnings, and prejudices to the subject, I am often irked by various generalizations, innuendos, and basic ideologies spewing from the mouthpiece of society, but at no time does this irritate me more than at Christmas time. We as a culture are bombarded by antiquated, stylized versions of how women "ought" to be, and given skewed versions of relationship between the sexes, particularly around the holidays, and no holiday song is this more obnoxious and obvious than "Baby It's Cold Outside". Granted, I'm a sucker for holiday music, but every time this song comes on, regardless of the version, I cringe. Yes, this is partly for the obvious objectification of women, but also partly for the chauvinist-ification of men. Quite frankly it makes all men look like disgusting, desperate, roofie dispensing degenerates incapable of comprehending their native tongue (particularly the word no) when long hair and legs are close by, and by portraying the woman as mercurial when doggedly persuaded, it reinforces the widely accepted notion that "no" means "maybe". This further marginalizes both sexes, putting them in a nice box (it's boys' nature to chase skirts, it's girls' nature to quietly, secretly want it), further stereotyping people when it's quite frankly in everybody's nature to just be people! We are essentially teaching and promoting (and selling!) rape culture- this is only a handy holiday example.
This separates and ostracizes those who have been raped by a thick veil of guilt and shame directly resulting from society's teachings and acceptance of rape culture. Guilt is laid on thick, because society teaches that perhaps there was something you could've done to prevent it (worn a different dress, not invited that person in unattended, not accepted that drink, not drunk as much, not walked down that alley as a shortcut, not trusted that person, not gone out in the first place, stayed inside in isolation and seclusion from all the dangers of the outside world- yeah that certainly will prevent rape and anything else from happening). Living like this is hardly called life, but guilt will still permeate this stigma until we can all accept that rape is unacceptable and the "victim" is NOT in any way shape or form responsible for this act of terror. (I put victim in quotes because I find it to be a dirty word, but one that most people understand for definition principles). We need to quit dismissing victims as liers or putting them through twenty questions, invalidating their trauma and their healing. We need to immediately believe and support those who have gone through a terrible trauma such as this, and immediately and severely deal with those promoting the terror of rape. That may mean criminal investigations, ostracizement, community service, sociatal inflicted penance, counseling, swift criticism of those who spread guilt through chauvinist rape jokes and negative media portrayal or promotion of victims (like the Herman Cain fiasco for example). In a hostile environment one clams up, not speaking about the trauma, not healing, not going out, not doing, not being. A person becomes a hermit, living in painful seclusion, all because of the mirror of society looking back with a brutally harsh and negative image due to circumstances that were beyond their control. This also leaves a person feeling helpless and desperately out of control of their own destiny. Only in a safe and supportive environment can someone heal from the horrible, life permeating effects of rape and become a truly healthy and contributing member of society.
Guilt in turn produces shame. Shame keeps people quiet. Shame keeps stories from being told and healing from taking place. It keeps "victims" victimized and terrorists at large as rapists, molesters, and other forms of shapeshifting evil. Shame produces physical reactions to trauma and confrontation of the demons of rape such as uncontrollable shaking, nausea, rapid and elevated heartbeat, physical pain (especially back pain), migraines, severe insomnia, severe anxiety, racing thoughts, lack of concentration, etc. Shame is a cancer that spreads to all areas of life. What begins as shame of admission of the rape or shame of things that are a direct result of the rape spreads to shame of canceling obligations or enjoyments because of guilt and anxiety, shame of calling off sick because of illness, shame of admitting negative incidences or other bad things that happen. This bottling up of negativity and emotions pours itself out in unsupportive ways, creating illness within, and multiplying and spreading negativity and unfortunate incidences throughout the person's life. The best way to alleviate shame in society is to stop the pervasive theories and dogmas in society surrounding victim blame or condemnation. Provide support and loving kindness for all human beings in mannerisms, action and speech (because of course if they feel shameful telling you they were raped, you probably don't know who in your life suffers from this), provide a safe, accepting atmosphere where "victims" can completely shed the burden of society that's been placed upon them, and heal in a complete, whole, and safe and supportive place.
Only by confronting this disgusting, degrading outlook on relationships, stereotypes, and rape culture as a whole society, in our entirety, can we help to eradicate the disease of rape and molestation from our modern culture, end preventable suffering of this kind, help those affected heal, and become a more compassionate, whole society- a society of equality, love, support, and creative, expressive, safe individuality.
"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity."
Henry Van Dyke
***********Under construction**************
Sorry! This is still a draft although blogger obviously thinks it is good enough to post right away...
Permeating throughout society are interesting, strange, pervasive theories about women, gender roles, male dominance, and rape. I believe these all to be intertwined, their patriarchal roots anchored deep in ancient soil, penetrating to the very core of even our modern, rational, scientific age. They are often subconscious assumptions, reactions, teachings, learned and passed down through the "craft", an art of subjugation so engrained in our collective consciousness and subconscious understanding that even the frivolous glory of our dominant culture and discourses only begins to dig at the roots, not yet understanding how far down they have actually embedded into the murky depths.
Even understanding these murky, dank undertones, beginnings, and prejudices to the subject, I am often irked by various generalizations, innuendos, and basic ideologies spewing from the mouthpiece of society, but at no time does this irritate me more than at Christmas time. We as a culture are bombarded by antiquated, stylized versions of how women "ought" to be, and given skewed versions of relationship between the sexes, particularly around the holidays, and no holiday song is this more obnoxious and obvious than "Baby It's Cold Outside". Granted, I'm a sucker for holiday music, but every time this song comes on, regardless of the version, I cringe. Yes, this is partly for the obvious objectification of women, but also partly for the chauvinist-ification of men. Quite frankly it makes all men look like disgusting, desperate, roofie dispensing degenerates incapable of comprehending their native tongue (particularly the word no) when long hair and legs are close by, and by portraying the woman as mercurial when doggedly persuaded, it reinforces the widely accepted notion that "no" means "maybe". This further marginalizes both sexes, putting them in a nice box (it's boys' nature to chase skirts, it's girls' nature to quietly, secretly want it), further stereotyping people when it's quite frankly in everybody's nature to just be people! We are essentially teaching and promoting (and selling!) rape culture- this is only a handy holiday example.
This separates and ostracizes those who have been raped by a thick veil of guilt and shame directly resulting from society's teachings and acceptance of rape culture. Guilt is laid on thick, because society teaches that perhaps there was something you could've done to prevent it (worn a different dress, not invited that person in unattended, not accepted that drink, not drunk as much, not walked down that alley as a shortcut, not trusted that person, not gone out in the first place, stayed inside in isolation and seclusion from all the dangers of the outside world- yeah that certainly will prevent rape and anything else from happening). Living like this is hardly called life, but guilt will still permeate this stigma until we can all accept that rape is unacceptable and the "victim" is NOT in any way shape or form responsible for this act of terror. (I put victim in quotes because I find it to be a dirty word, but one that most people understand for definition principles). We need to quit dismissing victims as liers or putting them through twenty questions, invalidating their trauma and their healing. We need to immediately believe and support those who have gone through a terrible trauma such as this, and immediately and severely deal with those promoting the terror of rape. That may mean criminal investigations, ostracizement, community service, sociatal inflicted penance, counseling, swift criticism of those who spread guilt through chauvinist rape jokes and negative media portrayal or promotion of victims (like the Herman Cain fiasco for example). In a hostile environment one clams up, not speaking about the trauma, not healing, not going out, not doing, not being. A person becomes a hermit, living in painful seclusion, all because of the mirror of society looking back with a brutally harsh and negative image due to circumstances that were beyond their control. This also leaves a person feeling helpless and desperately out of control of their own destiny. Only in a safe and supportive environment can someone heal from the horrible, life permeating effects of rape and become a truly healthy and contributing member of society.
Guilt in turn produces shame. Shame keeps people quiet. Shame keeps stories from being told and healing from taking place. It keeps "victims" victimized and terrorists at large as rapists, molesters, and other forms of shapeshifting evil. Shame produces physical reactions to trauma and confrontation of the demons of rape such as uncontrollable shaking, nausea, rapid and elevated heartbeat, physical pain (especially back pain), migraines, severe insomnia, severe anxiety, racing thoughts, lack of concentration, etc. Shame is a cancer that spreads to all areas of life. What begins as shame of admission of the rape or shame of things that are a direct result of the rape spreads to shame of canceling obligations or enjoyments because of guilt and anxiety, shame of calling off sick because of illness, shame of admitting negative incidences or other bad things that happen. This bottling up of negativity and emotions pours itself out in unsupportive ways, creating illness within, and multiplying and spreading negativity and unfortunate incidences throughout the person's life. The best way to alleviate shame in society is to stop the pervasive theories and dogmas in society surrounding victim blame or condemnation. Provide support and loving kindness for all human beings in mannerisms, action and speech (because of course if they feel shameful telling you they were raped, you probably don't know who in your life suffers from this), provide a safe, accepting atmosphere where "victims" can completely shed the burden of society that's been placed upon them, and heal in a complete, whole, and safe and supportive place.
Only by confronting this disgusting, degrading outlook on relationships, stereotypes, and rape culture as a whole society, in our entirety, can we help to eradicate the disease of rape and molestation from our modern culture, end preventable suffering of this kind, help those affected heal, and become a more compassionate, whole society- a society of equality, love, support, and creative, expressive, safe individuality.
"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity."
Henry Van Dyke
***********Under construction**************
Sorry! This is still a draft although blogger obviously thinks it is good enough to post right away...
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Societal implications of PTSD
So often society has dictated edicts based on fear, ignorance, and misinformation, and common mental illnesses like anxiety, depression, and PTSD are no different "societal illnesses" than were racism, sexism, and class-ism. While looking for venues to speak at in Seattle about my journey with PTSD, I came across this article that made my blood boil. I've responded in part to the author, and if I do get a response in return, I'll post it as well.
Here's the original article (from Seattle PI):
Carolyn,
I just read your column on the Seattle PI website while looking for a place to speak about PTSD. It was called "my brothers battle with PTSD" and I was shocked that I couldn't leave a comment. I felt compelled to leave a comment, albeit short, as the general populace has a devastating misconception of PTSD and what to do about it. It's NOT supportive to expect that person to change, to suddenly be ok, or to address their issues that stem from PTSD as traditional addictions, or to see your family member as the problem. They are trying to survive, and often alcohol is the only way not to harm oneself. Perhaps if there was a better support system in our families, our neighborhoods, churches, communities, etc, these people could find the strength to deal with their traumatic events in a holistic, healthy, and supportive environment rather than being cast by society into an internal prison where nothing ever changes, where they're thrown farther from love, from support, from kindness, where they want to die. We all could do a better job of understanding, empathizing, and supporting.
My response to --M. is as follows...
Perhaps you should try to SUPPORT your brother instead of STRESSING HIM OUT... PTSD happens due to a TRAUMATIC event. If you can't understand what that might do to a human being, then don't try to- just offer your unconditional love and support knowing that he's been through something you'll never understand- let alone want to go through yourself. And if your mother cares about her son she will understand this. It won't stress her out because she will understand in all her wisdom that life goes through cycles, and although winter may be long and seems unending, spring eventually follows. Your brother will probably never be the same- he may always have issues with this, and it may be your brothers life that ends first if you don't support him. At least PTSD isn't necessarily a terminal illness. Take it from me.
Read more: http://www.seattlepi.com/lifestyle/advice/article/My-brother-s-battle-with-PTSD-2213751.php#ixzz1ecCobyBe
AND COMMENT OR EMAIL THE COLUMNIST IF YOU FEEL COMPELLED TO!
Generally speaking, in the media-
I'm appalled by the accusatory tone and hostility directed toward those with PTSD and other illnesses like depression and anxiety. I'm completely shocked that someone in an advice column would continue to propagate society's phobic responses toward loss and grieving. If someone survives a traumatic event, chances are that even with your unyielding support, they will never be the same, and very likely will still have a very hard time trying to cope for a long time afterward, possibly forever. Trauma isn't something you just fix or ignore and telling someone to "get over it" is cold and inhuman. Even if you can ignore it for a while, you can't ignore it forever and it will be much worse as time progresses, often manifesting the pain and suffering as withdrawal, neglect, substance abuse, and chronic issues with anger, anxiety, etc. Only soul-less people would see someone in misery, someone suffering, someone in pain, recognize that grieving, and turn a blind eye and direct a hurtful tongue. Society is wrong and the sooner we see that, the sooner we can address it. The sooner we address it, we recognize that people suffer, often because of other people or society's deranged values and beliefs, and if we stand by these grieving people as an unyielding community, no matter how much it hurts to watch or is uncomfortable or inconvenient for us to do, we realize that when it's our turn to suffer, we won't be alone, scared, and lost. The next step is to teach this unconditional love and support to our children as their birthright, as a given in our modern society, as a way for people to come together and support one another. It's our premium for our societal "insurance policy", and even if we never partake of the receiving end ourselves, at least we know we've bettered the world for this generation and the ones to follow.
Live with empathy to extinguish apathy
Here's the original article (from Seattle PI):
My brother's battle with PTSDThis was my response:
By CAROLYN HAX, SYNDICATED COLUMNIST
Published 04:04 p.m., Sunday, October 16, 2011
E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
Dear Carolyn:
My brother has undiagnosed PTSD and is moving through his pain by abusing alcohol. Having already lost one career due to a DUI, he is in full denial and on a crash course for losing his wife and his life.
We have recently learned that our mother is terminally ill. My brother plans to come for a visit in November.
The only gift I can give my mother now is a sense that her children will be OK. If my brother comes to town in his current state, it will rip her to pieces. How do I start?
-- M.
You start by accepting that you can't make a gift of something that isn't yours to give.
Your brother's life is his to save. You can urge him to get help; you can try to coordinate your efforts with his wife to improve your chances of nudging him into seeking a diagnosis and appropriate care; you can attend Al-Anon meetings; you can call the NAMI help line at 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) or find a support group at www.nami.org; you can try (repeat: try) to orchestrate his visit with an eye to minimizing the stress on your mother, say by scheduling visits for when she is most alert or comfortable.
You can also contact your local hospice provider to see what support resources they offer, both for you and for your mom. You'll find that self-destructive tendencies in the families of the terminally ill are not unexplored terrain.
What you cannot do is scrub your brother of distress and present him to your mom as a worry to cross off her list. All you will likely accomplish is to add a worry to your list, which will radiate to your mother as a reason to fret about you.
Please focus your energy on providing the comfort devoted children are ideally suited to provide. Some of that will be logistical, like acting as intermediary with doctors and other professionals, and as link to loved ones beyond her physical reach. The rest will be emotional, and you can bring her peace just by caring about her needs and especially about her stories, assuring her that she matters.
If your mother is looking for assurance that her son will be OK, then she'll be able to find some of that in your strength. She will see that her family still has a center, a place for her troubled son to go when he's ready. That's a gift you can give.
Carolyn,
I just read your column on the Seattle PI website while looking for a place to speak about PTSD. It was called "my brothers battle with PTSD" and I was shocked that I couldn't leave a comment. I felt compelled to leave a comment, albeit short, as the general populace has a devastating misconception of PTSD and what to do about it. It's NOT supportive to expect that person to change, to suddenly be ok, or to address their issues that stem from PTSD as traditional addictions, or to see your family member as the problem. They are trying to survive, and often alcohol is the only way not to harm oneself. Perhaps if there was a better support system in our families, our neighborhoods, churches, communities, etc, these people could find the strength to deal with their traumatic events in a holistic, healthy, and supportive environment rather than being cast by society into an internal prison where nothing ever changes, where they're thrown farther from love, from support, from kindness, where they want to die. We all could do a better job of understanding, empathizing, and supporting.
My response to --M. is as follows...
Perhaps you should try to SUPPORT your brother instead of STRESSING HIM OUT... PTSD happens due to a TRAUMATIC event. If you can't understand what that might do to a human being, then don't try to- just offer your unconditional love and support knowing that he's been through something you'll never understand- let alone want to go through yourself. And if your mother cares about her son she will understand this. It won't stress her out because she will understand in all her wisdom that life goes through cycles, and although winter may be long and seems unending, spring eventually follows. Your brother will probably never be the same- he may always have issues with this, and it may be your brothers life that ends first if you don't support him. At least PTSD isn't necessarily a terminal illness. Take it from me.
Read more: http://www.seattlepi.com/lifestyle/advice/article/My-brother-s-battle-with-PTSD-2213751.php#ixzz1ecCobyBe
AND COMMENT OR EMAIL THE COLUMNIST IF YOU FEEL COMPELLED TO!
Generally speaking, in the media-
I'm appalled by the accusatory tone and hostility directed toward those with PTSD and other illnesses like depression and anxiety. I'm completely shocked that someone in an advice column would continue to propagate society's phobic responses toward loss and grieving. If someone survives a traumatic event, chances are that even with your unyielding support, they will never be the same, and very likely will still have a very hard time trying to cope for a long time afterward, possibly forever. Trauma isn't something you just fix or ignore and telling someone to "get over it" is cold and inhuman. Even if you can ignore it for a while, you can't ignore it forever and it will be much worse as time progresses, often manifesting the pain and suffering as withdrawal, neglect, substance abuse, and chronic issues with anger, anxiety, etc. Only soul-less people would see someone in misery, someone suffering, someone in pain, recognize that grieving, and turn a blind eye and direct a hurtful tongue. Society is wrong and the sooner we see that, the sooner we can address it. The sooner we address it, we recognize that people suffer, often because of other people or society's deranged values and beliefs, and if we stand by these grieving people as an unyielding community, no matter how much it hurts to watch or is uncomfortable or inconvenient for us to do, we realize that when it's our turn to suffer, we won't be alone, scared, and lost. The next step is to teach this unconditional love and support to our children as their birthright, as a given in our modern society, as a way for people to come together and support one another. It's our premium for our societal "insurance policy", and even if we never partake of the receiving end ourselves, at least we know we've bettered the world for this generation and the ones to follow.
Live with empathy to extinguish apathy
Thursday, November 17, 2011
A Tribe Called Stress
Essentially our society doesn't understand grief associated with loss, although apparently our western ideology allows society plenty of leeway to give us grief over our loss. Loss equates to weakness in our society. It's something to be avoided for "survival", and society would even have us believe that loss is totally preventable, especially for the right price. It's taboo to allow a loss to interfere with any aspect of life, especially those parts of life that are desired or attempted to be controlled by others (which is most- who doesn't want a piece of something or somebody these days!). It would seem to be better off not even mentioning the topic as discussion of loss leaves you wide open for attack, control, and manipulation from friends and family to employers, institutions, and corporations (to name a few). Although many may be temporarily supportive, and certain entities may even baby you for a little capitol in return, when your grieving process doesn't match their idea of what it should be, there will inevitably be confrontations, problems and stress, and at the very least some incredibly awkward moments. But is this the way it was meant to be? Is there a holistic, gentle way to connect with those around you in a truly supportive experience to help you rise out of your pain and help others understand and grieve with you? And if so can it even be worth the effort, the stress of breaking through the fear?
The first thing to realize is that we are all a big pack of liars. We all suffer loss, and as a whole, we all go through basic similar things with regard to loss (anger, fear, depression, relief, confusion, etc). Although our losses are all different and spark different issues, thoughts and emotions, as a general rule we are taught that admitting these losses equates to admitting those emotions (anger, fear, depression, etc) which equates to a state of vulnerability as anyone can take advantage of your specific state of being and manipulate it to their own advantage. Unfortunately when we don't acknowledge loss, our mind and subconscious manipulate this ignored opportunity to embrace vulnerability in a controlled atmosphere to their perceived advantage. These emotions associated with your loss will eat away at your conscious and subconscious mind until you are forced to let them out, allowing yourself to be incredibly vulnerable and weakened in the process as you have given control over to your instinctual mind. This also allows your mind to believe that you have no self control as it seems that you would actually allow yourself to be manipulated by another human being by entering into instinctual mode, letting it all out. This perceived lack of self control causes loss of self trust, and a spiral into a victim's mindset where it is hard to facilitate control over anything in life. Perhaps that not only is a defeating way of coping with loss, but is also a control and survival mechanism ingrained in your brain to facilitate fear and thus action in weakened states. Looking at it from a different perspective, it is far better to acknowledge that everyone at some point has grieving associated with loss- you are not alone in this regard. It is perhaps terrifying, but a refreshing exercise in the goodness of humanity as a whole and the concept of trust to acknowledge your feelings, thoughts and emotions (at the very least to yourself), and allow the freedom of movement in your life. The flip side is to keep pushing them back down and ignoring them, eventually producing an eruption of epic proportions that threatens to destroy everything in your life. The first thing to realize is that it's ok to feel.
The second thing to realize is that we're all stupid scared. Of everything. Particularly of the unknown, which as far as we know is EVERYTHING. Change, whether desired or not, is often a catylist of fear. Big questions arise with change, and even the agents of change can produce anxiety, the calling card of fear. Most often this is the fear of loss, the dread that something of value will be gone, replaced with something of lesser value to you personally. As everyone's desires are so very different across a large spectrum, almost anything can produce fear, and in some people who are currently grieving, everything produces fear. The second thing you must realize is that's natural. It's normal to be afraid, anxious, frozen when faced with scary change. It's ok to acknowledge this emotion, to realize it, accept it, and don't fight it. It's important to listen and allow it to be. As you listen, look for motives, desires, and your life force. Perhaps you are pressuring yourself to do the wrong thing, but perhaps it's the right thing for you in your specific situation. Only by close listening can you discern the difference. Realize what you want and understand why. Whenever fear comes up, listen to it and evaluate it. Remember your reasoning for choosing to do what you wanted, your why, for each thing you're anxious about. Reevaluate it. Does it still resonate with your soul? Is this still what you want? If so, your resolution and desire will minimize your fear- you will realize that the grand goal is worth the risk. If you realize that these things no longer serve you, then feel free to ditch them and find something new. If you take a wrong step, be gentle, realize that you are capable, and try again, understanding that you're closer to discovering your true self because of it. In this way you allow your fear to help motivate or guide you rather than control you, and live a more truthful life that resonates with your very being.
The third is that as long as you've unquestioningly bought into modern society's dogma, you've sold your soul for comfort- namely for someone else to tell you what to do (what to believe, what is acceptable, what is taboo, what you should do, etc). Luckily for you this contract is negotiable. A friend of mine recently came up with a beautiful mantra- "our way of living should spring from our own deepest impulses". What do you think when your mind is quiet? Do you really think at all? If you've sold your soul and haven't tried to regain control over it, it's hard to hear the deep impulses coming from your being, from your existence and the reason you were thought into being. The only impulses you'll recognize are those programmed into you by society and their devices, namely the media, the media, the government, corporations and their marketing, the media, church dogma, the education system, the media, consumeristic marketing, and did I mention the media? The goal here is to learn your own dogma, find your own deepest impulses (not the illegal kind ;), and live true to your essence, your being. There's a raison d'être planted within everyone. It's manifested by patterns and desires in your existence, the times in life when you are truly living or truly happy, and only by linking these together and finding the common reason in all of them can you find your own personal dogma, your raison d'être, and live true to your soul.
We're all lost without a clue, without a compass or a map. We don't really know how to get through loss any better than the next guy. Sure we all have some insight gained through personal discovery, and many will get up on their soapbox and preach a one size fits all mentality, but if people watching has done me any service whatsoever, I know this mentality to be an utter falsehood. As with clothes, some can barely fit an arm into dogma designed for the wrong person, situation, gravity of ordeal, or place in time. Just as your inner voice is a unique compass guiding you to a higher and more true version of self, so the right fitting and specifically appropriate mental wardrobe will keep you sheltered from the elements of your suffering and guide you through your pain and grief. Only you truly know the right path to take- if only you listen to your inner voice.
We are all deaf. We can't hear our own voice let alone the voices of others. We won't tolerate our own pain, won't allow ourselves healing (come on, we're made of steel, like machines!), let alone to truly listen and connect with the pain of others. To acknowledge anything in another is to recognize the same in the self, and machines certainly don't feel pain! But machines also aren't. They have no awareness. No understanding. They don't exist on a cognizant plane, they just function as they are programmed to do. They drink Pennzoil for breakfast, perform mindless repetitive tasks, and sit for periods of time in a numb, cold, comatose silence, until they are either needed again as society's tools, are callously discarded as obsolete, or fail to perform their function and are torn down into scrap metal. Unlike machines we have choice. We can choose to plug our ears and hearts and mindlessly, callously program ourselves to dully putter through our life dictated by others until we are discarded onto society's scrap heap, or we can choose to embrace this birthright that is OUR lives (yes, you do actually own something) and fully, creatively, uniquely live out the colorful life that is our own- including the pain, suffering, and fear (sepia is a color too you know). We can choose to listen and embrace the pain, suffering, anxiety of others so we can in turn further embrace our own pain, suffering and anxiety. This simple act allows us to release the cork on the bottle and empty all the pressure of keeping the sepia toned thoughts and moments of life pushed away, because whatever you are trying to hide has your attention, and whatever has your attention has your energy. By trying to lock away the sepia, mysteriously all you can see is a sepia toned image of life. Life cannot be technicolor again until you acknowledge that sepia is also a color.
Our paths through loss, although perhaps similar in certain facets (like certain emotional or physical responses), are very unique and personal with the paths they take, the duration and extent of pain, and the personal experiences and discoveries made along the way. And perhaps that's the point. We share so many similarities with each other that we stubbornly refuse to admit mirror ourselves because we are all a bunch of scared stupid, lost, deaf liars disconnected from our souls. If we could all just man up, admit our pain, our fear, our vulnerability, our commonality, not only could we set ourselves free, we could also learn a lot about ourselves through others, how strong we truly are, and what life is about while providing much needed connection, support and brotherhood for mankind. Eventually we will be forced to recognize these facets of life, either on our own or in our own tribes, alone, scared and confused, or supported, loved, and adjusted. Life's going to happen anyway, why not face it together?
The first thing to realize is that we are all a big pack of liars. We all suffer loss, and as a whole, we all go through basic similar things with regard to loss (anger, fear, depression, relief, confusion, etc). Although our losses are all different and spark different issues, thoughts and emotions, as a general rule we are taught that admitting these losses equates to admitting those emotions (anger, fear, depression, etc) which equates to a state of vulnerability as anyone can take advantage of your specific state of being and manipulate it to their own advantage. Unfortunately when we don't acknowledge loss, our mind and subconscious manipulate this ignored opportunity to embrace vulnerability in a controlled atmosphere to their perceived advantage. These emotions associated with your loss will eat away at your conscious and subconscious mind until you are forced to let them out, allowing yourself to be incredibly vulnerable and weakened in the process as you have given control over to your instinctual mind. This also allows your mind to believe that you have no self control as it seems that you would actually allow yourself to be manipulated by another human being by entering into instinctual mode, letting it all out. This perceived lack of self control causes loss of self trust, and a spiral into a victim's mindset where it is hard to facilitate control over anything in life. Perhaps that not only is a defeating way of coping with loss, but is also a control and survival mechanism ingrained in your brain to facilitate fear and thus action in weakened states. Looking at it from a different perspective, it is far better to acknowledge that everyone at some point has grieving associated with loss- you are not alone in this regard. It is perhaps terrifying, but a refreshing exercise in the goodness of humanity as a whole and the concept of trust to acknowledge your feelings, thoughts and emotions (at the very least to yourself), and allow the freedom of movement in your life. The flip side is to keep pushing them back down and ignoring them, eventually producing an eruption of epic proportions that threatens to destroy everything in your life. The first thing to realize is that it's ok to feel.
The second thing to realize is that we're all stupid scared. Of everything. Particularly of the unknown, which as far as we know is EVERYTHING. Change, whether desired or not, is often a catylist of fear. Big questions arise with change, and even the agents of change can produce anxiety, the calling card of fear. Most often this is the fear of loss, the dread that something of value will be gone, replaced with something of lesser value to you personally. As everyone's desires are so very different across a large spectrum, almost anything can produce fear, and in some people who are currently grieving, everything produces fear. The second thing you must realize is that's natural. It's normal to be afraid, anxious, frozen when faced with scary change. It's ok to acknowledge this emotion, to realize it, accept it, and don't fight it. It's important to listen and allow it to be. As you listen, look for motives, desires, and your life force. Perhaps you are pressuring yourself to do the wrong thing, but perhaps it's the right thing for you in your specific situation. Only by close listening can you discern the difference. Realize what you want and understand why. Whenever fear comes up, listen to it and evaluate it. Remember your reasoning for choosing to do what you wanted, your why, for each thing you're anxious about. Reevaluate it. Does it still resonate with your soul? Is this still what you want? If so, your resolution and desire will minimize your fear- you will realize that the grand goal is worth the risk. If you realize that these things no longer serve you, then feel free to ditch them and find something new. If you take a wrong step, be gentle, realize that you are capable, and try again, understanding that you're closer to discovering your true self because of it. In this way you allow your fear to help motivate or guide you rather than control you, and live a more truthful life that resonates with your very being.
The third is that as long as you've unquestioningly bought into modern society's dogma, you've sold your soul for comfort- namely for someone else to tell you what to do (what to believe, what is acceptable, what is taboo, what you should do, etc). Luckily for you this contract is negotiable. A friend of mine recently came up with a beautiful mantra- "our way of living should spring from our own deepest impulses". What do you think when your mind is quiet? Do you really think at all? If you've sold your soul and haven't tried to regain control over it, it's hard to hear the deep impulses coming from your being, from your existence and the reason you were thought into being. The only impulses you'll recognize are those programmed into you by society and their devices, namely the media, the media, the government, corporations and their marketing, the media, church dogma, the education system, the media, consumeristic marketing, and did I mention the media? The goal here is to learn your own dogma, find your own deepest impulses (not the illegal kind ;), and live true to your essence, your being. There's a raison d'être planted within everyone. It's manifested by patterns and desires in your existence, the times in life when you are truly living or truly happy, and only by linking these together and finding the common reason in all of them can you find your own personal dogma, your raison d'être, and live true to your soul.
We're all lost without a clue, without a compass or a map. We don't really know how to get through loss any better than the next guy. Sure we all have some insight gained through personal discovery, and many will get up on their soapbox and preach a one size fits all mentality, but if people watching has done me any service whatsoever, I know this mentality to be an utter falsehood. As with clothes, some can barely fit an arm into dogma designed for the wrong person, situation, gravity of ordeal, or place in time. Just as your inner voice is a unique compass guiding you to a higher and more true version of self, so the right fitting and specifically appropriate mental wardrobe will keep you sheltered from the elements of your suffering and guide you through your pain and grief. Only you truly know the right path to take- if only you listen to your inner voice.
We are all deaf. We can't hear our own voice let alone the voices of others. We won't tolerate our own pain, won't allow ourselves healing (come on, we're made of steel, like machines!), let alone to truly listen and connect with the pain of others. To acknowledge anything in another is to recognize the same in the self, and machines certainly don't feel pain! But machines also aren't. They have no awareness. No understanding. They don't exist on a cognizant plane, they just function as they are programmed to do. They drink Pennzoil for breakfast, perform mindless repetitive tasks, and sit for periods of time in a numb, cold, comatose silence, until they are either needed again as society's tools, are callously discarded as obsolete, or fail to perform their function and are torn down into scrap metal. Unlike machines we have choice. We can choose to plug our ears and hearts and mindlessly, callously program ourselves to dully putter through our life dictated by others until we are discarded onto society's scrap heap, or we can choose to embrace this birthright that is OUR lives (yes, you do actually own something) and fully, creatively, uniquely live out the colorful life that is our own- including the pain, suffering, and fear (sepia is a color too you know). We can choose to listen and embrace the pain, suffering, anxiety of others so we can in turn further embrace our own pain, suffering and anxiety. This simple act allows us to release the cork on the bottle and empty all the pressure of keeping the sepia toned thoughts and moments of life pushed away, because whatever you are trying to hide has your attention, and whatever has your attention has your energy. By trying to lock away the sepia, mysteriously all you can see is a sepia toned image of life. Life cannot be technicolor again until you acknowledge that sepia is also a color.
Our paths through loss, although perhaps similar in certain facets (like certain emotional or physical responses), are very unique and personal with the paths they take, the duration and extent of pain, and the personal experiences and discoveries made along the way. And perhaps that's the point. We share so many similarities with each other that we stubbornly refuse to admit mirror ourselves because we are all a bunch of scared stupid, lost, deaf liars disconnected from our souls. If we could all just man up, admit our pain, our fear, our vulnerability, our commonality, not only could we set ourselves free, we could also learn a lot about ourselves through others, how strong we truly are, and what life is about while providing much needed connection, support and brotherhood for mankind. Eventually we will be forced to recognize these facets of life, either on our own or in our own tribes, alone, scared and confused, or supported, loved, and adjusted. Life's going to happen anyway, why not face it together?
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Jedi mind tricks- Snap your fingers, Snap your habits
Tell me a story! I know we all love a good story. Kids won't fall asleep at night without one. Preteen slumber parties wouldn't be the same without a scary ghost story. Young adults like to share funny stories around a campfire. Adults can't stand to miss out on a presale of their favorite series or favorite author. I guess it's not too surprising that even our brain loves telling stories, most interestingly to our subconscious while we aren't paying any attention.
We all have a running story line in our heads- usually something like "I was so dumb to say that! That's why I didn't get that promotion. I'm so stupid!" or "Man if I hadn't stayed up all night partying again I wouldn't have bombed that final. I have absolutely no willpower!". Usually with trauma cases or depression they are much worse and much harder to actually hear. They may just be a screaming in your head at a traumatic memory or flashback and translate in emotion to your brain as "victim", "helpless", "alone", or they may be a subconscious recognition of a string of similar mini traumatic events related by pattern of emotion to the actual original incident that happened. These evoke much deeper running story lines such as "I always get hurt when __" or "Everyone always sees me as an object" or "I always get taken advantage of" or "Everyone who knows what happened to me always looks at me as if I'm broken". There are a million more. I personally know this for a fact. They are always going through your head as definitive, absolute, and unyielding constants and therefore are definitions your brain creates to define your life. What's worse, especially with PTSD, depression, or anxiety, the more you subconsciously think these thoughts, the more you allow the running commentary in your head to continue, the more situations you will subconsciously place yourself in where these thoughts will manifest into perceived truth. You subconsciously (or consciously if you know how) create your life with these thoughts, these definitions of self. By defining yourself as something, you seek more of the same. Essentially, you are a self fulfilling prophesy.
Now before your brain starts telling you that you're screwed, that you're already so far down the wrong path it's too dark to get out, or that you obviously can't even pay attention to it let alone to changing your life, or something similar, realize that changing your thinking can be fun, interesting, safe, and it's not nearly as hard as you may think. Let's first get in the right mindset. First we need to play scientist!
One of my favorite zodiac signs is Aquarius. They tend to be analytical, zany, experimental, detached from even their own lives, driven by an innate desire to observe, experiment or catalyze, observe, try another quirky theory and observe some more. The keyword here is observe, because no matter what they are doing or instigating they are observing- themselves and others- in a detached, analytical way. They find these experiments terribly, morbidly fascinating and usually humorous. Think the music video from the 80's song "She blinded me, with science!". Yep, that's the true essence of Aquarius. Of course even Aquarius's can get bogged down in this self depreciating story line behavior, but it's their curiosity, their observational, scientific behavior and morbid sense of humor we need to tap into.
There are a few ways to go about disassembling your brain and rewiring it for the life you want and desire. All these are excellent tools, and can be used together, but most importantly is OBSERVING. You must observe your brain in action. Pay attention constantly. When you hear yourself thinking something, listen. When you realize you've been spacing out (like a true Aquarius ;) and not paying attention, listen! Listen to both what you are saying and how it makes you feel. Are you being rigid, definitive, absolute and constant (words like always and never are usually indicators of this), or harsh, criticizing, or condemning towards yourself (the present case- specifically "am" can be a recognizable anchor word for this)?
Pay attention always (as much as you can) to your thoughts. When you realize that what you are telling yourself is cruel, not true 100% of the time, or not a cornerstone that you would like to build your life on, gently, and with absolute kindness and an Aquarian intrigue recognize that fact. Acknowledge that fact and gently let the thought go. A great way to do this is to curiously see it, acknowledge it as something you don't need (like when you are shopping and see something super interesting but you would never buy it because it doesn't fit your decor, or it's not you), and let it go. This is a great way to begin to pay attention to your brain- because it says some pretty interesting things when we aren't paying attention.
Good job paying attention to your thoughts- try to do this as often as you can. The next step is to substitute those negative, absolute, set in stone, unyielding thoughts with ones more supportive, more friendly, more close to reality and truth, and ones that you want to build your life around as truths. Many people call these affirmations. I believe there are two kinds.
The first are affirmations, or actively rewiring your motherboard. After you think a negative thought that you want to change, follow the steps above, then insert instead a new thought of your design. Example- "I'm so stupid!", observe and notice, "hmm, interesting thought", let go of thought "I'm an intelligent, valuable being with a grand potential to fulfill". This feels much better, and also notice that there is no judgement placed on the original thought. It's observed with curiosity and let go to be replaced by a new thought. Simple, safe, friendly and effective.
The second type are my favorites and they are especially effective for cases where you identify trends in your thoughts, especially when the feelings associated with whatever thoughts they are bring you back to the trauma or enflame your PTSD, depression, anxiety, etc. I call these mantras. Some of my favorites- "I'm not a victim, I am strong. By allowing ___ to control me, I allow myself to be a victim. I refuse to be a victim. I am strong." Another- "___ that happened to me doesn't make any sense, but if it can be used to help other people, then it's worth it. If I knew ___ could be used to help just one person, pain transmuted into divine intervention, then I would have consciously agreed to it". I find these mantras to be highly empowering, and I use them often- whenever I feel my symptoms taking control, whenever I feel ancient emotions or emotions that are connected like beads on a spiders web back to the original incident and therefore a continuing trend in my life, I use a mantra I made. I might add that these mantras came to me as personal absolute truths, and if you are not paying attention to your thoughts in the first place to even put one and one together and realize trends in your life, then it will be virtually impossible to create mantras that hold true to you and resonate with your soul, but these are very empowering and healing.
Now for you crazy Aquarians or those of you wanting to jump start your learning curve... If you really want to spunk it up, buy some rubber bands- the real thick kind- and be sure they can loosely fit around your wrist. Wear them all the time- especially in the shower. Every time you think one of those interesting-but-not-true thoughts or fascinating-but-not-what-I-want-in-life thoughts, immediately pinch the rubber band at the inside of your wrist, pull back as far as you can physically stomach and let go. You MUST do this as soon as you catch yourself thinking these things- no anticipation, just do it! Now rub your wrist gently, kiss it!, and as you do this, say out loud a kind replacement of the story you originally thought. Example- "I'm so stupi-" SNAP! "owwww!" rub, kiss "I'm an intelligent, valuable being with a grand potential to fulfill". That is still truthful, and it feels so much better! And surprisingly the pain in your wrist actually feels pretty good knowing you're doing something awesome for yourself like programming your inner computer to go the direction in life you want to go. Although wouldn't it be great if redirecting our circuitry was less painful- it really does sting in the shower!
Perhaps though, you will realize some truths when your brain says some things- not in the negativity mind you, but sometimes there is a valid point that you may (or may not!) want to address. For example you see your boyfriend doing housework while you are just sitting around. You notice the running story line- your brain is essentially telling you you are lazy. (There's the "are" insinuating that you are defined as such). That's not very nice, so you clear the thought and replace it with a more supportive one, however you realize that in that specific instance you were perhaps being lazy. You then choose not to be so you get up and help clean. Or perhaps you decide to disagree. Perhaps you just spent a few hours outside weeding or mowing, or perhaps you've had a bad time recently with PTSD symptoms and you need some chill time. Acknowledge this and think something supportive, like "I'm allowed a break from life if I need one- it's important to take care of myself.".
The point is, facts are facts, but nothing is etched in stone or stagnant, including yourself. It's uncomfortable to watch someone who is stiff and can't bend well- our bodies and our minds are happier and more fully functional when they are flexible. Allow yourself room to breathe, room to move, room to live. There- now doesn't that feel better? :)
We all have a running story line in our heads- usually something like "I was so dumb to say that! That's why I didn't get that promotion. I'm so stupid!" or "Man if I hadn't stayed up all night partying again I wouldn't have bombed that final. I have absolutely no willpower!". Usually with trauma cases or depression they are much worse and much harder to actually hear. They may just be a screaming in your head at a traumatic memory or flashback and translate in emotion to your brain as "victim", "helpless", "alone", or they may be a subconscious recognition of a string of similar mini traumatic events related by pattern of emotion to the actual original incident that happened. These evoke much deeper running story lines such as "I always get hurt when __" or "Everyone always sees me as an object" or "I always get taken advantage of" or "Everyone who knows what happened to me always looks at me as if I'm broken". There are a million more. I personally know this for a fact. They are always going through your head as definitive, absolute, and unyielding constants and therefore are definitions your brain creates to define your life. What's worse, especially with PTSD, depression, or anxiety, the more you subconsciously think these thoughts, the more you allow the running commentary in your head to continue, the more situations you will subconsciously place yourself in where these thoughts will manifest into perceived truth. You subconsciously (or consciously if you know how) create your life with these thoughts, these definitions of self. By defining yourself as something, you seek more of the same. Essentially, you are a self fulfilling prophesy.
Now before your brain starts telling you that you're screwed, that you're already so far down the wrong path it's too dark to get out, or that you obviously can't even pay attention to it let alone to changing your life, or something similar, realize that changing your thinking can be fun, interesting, safe, and it's not nearly as hard as you may think. Let's first get in the right mindset. First we need to play scientist!
One of my favorite zodiac signs is Aquarius. They tend to be analytical, zany, experimental, detached from even their own lives, driven by an innate desire to observe, experiment or catalyze, observe, try another quirky theory and observe some more. The keyword here is observe, because no matter what they are doing or instigating they are observing- themselves and others- in a detached, analytical way. They find these experiments terribly, morbidly fascinating and usually humorous. Think the music video from the 80's song "She blinded me, with science!". Yep, that's the true essence of Aquarius. Of course even Aquarius's can get bogged down in this self depreciating story line behavior, but it's their curiosity, their observational, scientific behavior and morbid sense of humor we need to tap into.
There are a few ways to go about disassembling your brain and rewiring it for the life you want and desire. All these are excellent tools, and can be used together, but most importantly is OBSERVING. You must observe your brain in action. Pay attention constantly. When you hear yourself thinking something, listen. When you realize you've been spacing out (like a true Aquarius ;) and not paying attention, listen! Listen to both what you are saying and how it makes you feel. Are you being rigid, definitive, absolute and constant (words like always and never are usually indicators of this), or harsh, criticizing, or condemning towards yourself (the present case- specifically "am" can be a recognizable anchor word for this)?
Pay attention always (as much as you can) to your thoughts. When you realize that what you are telling yourself is cruel, not true 100% of the time, or not a cornerstone that you would like to build your life on, gently, and with absolute kindness and an Aquarian intrigue recognize that fact. Acknowledge that fact and gently let the thought go. A great way to do this is to curiously see it, acknowledge it as something you don't need (like when you are shopping and see something super interesting but you would never buy it because it doesn't fit your decor, or it's not you), and let it go. This is a great way to begin to pay attention to your brain- because it says some pretty interesting things when we aren't paying attention.
Good job paying attention to your thoughts- try to do this as often as you can. The next step is to substitute those negative, absolute, set in stone, unyielding thoughts with ones more supportive, more friendly, more close to reality and truth, and ones that you want to build your life around as truths. Many people call these affirmations. I believe there are two kinds.
The first are affirmations, or actively rewiring your motherboard. After you think a negative thought that you want to change, follow the steps above, then insert instead a new thought of your design. Example- "I'm so stupid!", observe and notice, "hmm, interesting thought", let go of thought "I'm an intelligent, valuable being with a grand potential to fulfill". This feels much better, and also notice that there is no judgement placed on the original thought. It's observed with curiosity and let go to be replaced by a new thought. Simple, safe, friendly and effective.
The second type are my favorites and they are especially effective for cases where you identify trends in your thoughts, especially when the feelings associated with whatever thoughts they are bring you back to the trauma or enflame your PTSD, depression, anxiety, etc. I call these mantras. Some of my favorites- "I'm not a victim, I am strong. By allowing ___ to control me, I allow myself to be a victim. I refuse to be a victim. I am strong." Another- "___ that happened to me doesn't make any sense, but if it can be used to help other people, then it's worth it. If I knew ___ could be used to help just one person, pain transmuted into divine intervention, then I would have consciously agreed to it". I find these mantras to be highly empowering, and I use them often- whenever I feel my symptoms taking control, whenever I feel ancient emotions or emotions that are connected like beads on a spiders web back to the original incident and therefore a continuing trend in my life, I use a mantra I made. I might add that these mantras came to me as personal absolute truths, and if you are not paying attention to your thoughts in the first place to even put one and one together and realize trends in your life, then it will be virtually impossible to create mantras that hold true to you and resonate with your soul, but these are very empowering and healing.
Now for you crazy Aquarians or those of you wanting to jump start your learning curve... If you really want to spunk it up, buy some rubber bands- the real thick kind- and be sure they can loosely fit around your wrist. Wear them all the time- especially in the shower. Every time you think one of those interesting-but-not-true thoughts or fascinating-but-not-what-I-want-in-life thoughts, immediately pinch the rubber band at the inside of your wrist, pull back as far as you can physically stomach and let go. You MUST do this as soon as you catch yourself thinking these things- no anticipation, just do it! Now rub your wrist gently, kiss it!, and as you do this, say out loud a kind replacement of the story you originally thought. Example- "I'm so stupi-" SNAP! "owwww!" rub, kiss "I'm an intelligent, valuable being with a grand potential to fulfill". That is still truthful, and it feels so much better! And surprisingly the pain in your wrist actually feels pretty good knowing you're doing something awesome for yourself like programming your inner computer to go the direction in life you want to go. Although wouldn't it be great if redirecting our circuitry was less painful- it really does sting in the shower!
Perhaps though, you will realize some truths when your brain says some things- not in the negativity mind you, but sometimes there is a valid point that you may (or may not!) want to address. For example you see your boyfriend doing housework while you are just sitting around. You notice the running story line- your brain is essentially telling you you are lazy. (There's the "are" insinuating that you are defined as such). That's not very nice, so you clear the thought and replace it with a more supportive one, however you realize that in that specific instance you were perhaps being lazy. You then choose not to be so you get up and help clean. Or perhaps you decide to disagree. Perhaps you just spent a few hours outside weeding or mowing, or perhaps you've had a bad time recently with PTSD symptoms and you need some chill time. Acknowledge this and think something supportive, like "I'm allowed a break from life if I need one- it's important to take care of myself.".
The point is, facts are facts, but nothing is etched in stone or stagnant, including yourself. It's uncomfortable to watch someone who is stiff and can't bend well- our bodies and our minds are happier and more fully functional when they are flexible. Allow yourself room to breathe, room to move, room to live. There- now doesn't that feel better? :)
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