Family & friends

This is information for family and friends of those suffering from PTSD.

When someone you know and love is suffering it is hard on everyone around them. It's even worse when that person you once knew doesn't appear to be there anymore, when they've seemed to suddenly vanish, leaving behind only a remnant of their former, more recognizable, understandable self. You become lost, confused, sad, irritated, helpless to do anything about the situation and you don't even know where to begin to help them. You are playing a game you don't understand. You may realize that your loved one has lost something important to them, but you've also lost something as well. Interestingly, your loved one probably feels more confused, helpless, angry, lost and scared than you feel, and they probably have absolutely no idea how to communicate this to you. They probably have no clue at the moment how you could even help them, and your asking them might begin to seem like nagging, further reinforcing the idea that they are irreversibly not ok and that they're not acceptable. This page is here to help you feel more in control so your loved one can begin to heal at their own pace in a supported, holistic way.

Much conventional advice will recommend that you constantly attempt to help your loved one, asking them how they are feeling all the time. I find this to be anti-supportive, almost like nagging and pestering. It sends a message that "you are not ok, and I want you to be ok right now". This may seem kind, but it also implies that the feelings, hurt, pain, anger, etc that your loved one feels isn't valid, or that they somehow need to stop grieving and just get over it, which to them may seem selfish. This may not actually be your intention of course! But that's how it may come across following conventional wisdom as dictated by many sites (including some sites even I have posted as resources). This journey is not a one-size-fits-all system of recovery, and no one's paths or reactions are exactly the same. Your loved one will probably never be the same, and you can't expect them to go back to the way things were. The only sure thing in life is change, so embracing this now is easier than clutching onto the past for dear life while all your ideal visions crash down around you.

What is helpful for your loved one is for you to accept them right now, as they are, even in an imperfect state. Tell them something like "I don't understand what you're going through right now. You may not understand what you're going through, and that's ok. I'll be there for you and won't judge you". Reassure them of this and keep your word. It's easy for human beings to judge what they don't understand- be very aware of your actions and words so you don't fall into that trap. Next you need to learn everything you can about PTSD. Your loved one is suffering and probably can't understand any of it. They are probably terrified, in survival mode, instinctively trying to distance themselves in order to protect those they love, and trying to dull and numb the pain and terror, trying to "normalize" themselves. If you understand PTSD, behaviors may start to make sense to you, and if your loved one truly wants to know what's going on (they may not want to know, and that's ok), you can gently help to educate them so they feel more in control.

Instead of asking them all the time how they are feeling (THEY probably don't understand how they are feeling), or constantly, openly monitoring them, making them feel closed in, trapped, and suffocating, try to encourage them while you gently observe and listen. They may not want to talk about their feelings. They may not understand their feelings right now. The brain is functioning at a heightened, elevated, alarmed state, and it can be hard to hear anything other than screaming. Instead help them feel safe. Help them know you are there for them, or you are thinking of them often. Give them a hug- and don't be discouraged if they don't want physical contact, that happens sometimes and doesn't necessarily mean they wouldn't want a hug later. Give them little sweet notes to let them know you are there and that you care. Don't constantly bring up their PTSD, just send cute "love you" or "thinking of you" messages or notes. Tell them what you love about them, even if it's hard to see that right now. Just offer your unconditional love and support. Offer to do basic things- cook them a breakfast or pack their lunch. Do extra chores or offer to help them keep up with their finances or bills or taxes (people in this state often neglect areas of their lives like this only to eventually get better and come back to a totally wrecked life- taxes owed, bills in collections, house in disarray, and they find it increasingly hard to dig themselves back out). Offer to schedule doctor visits, offer to help them find a therapist, offer to take them to the appointments. Be supportive here and not judgmental. Offer to either accompany them or sit in the waiting room as they may not want you with them discussing very personal things with the doctor or therapist. If they have pets, keep an eye on them and offer to take them out, clean up after them, etc. PTSD still shouldn't be a good reason to neglect an animal, but it could accidentally happen in some cases. Be there for them, sit next to them, just be close so they feel they're not alone. Above all, be patient, gentle, understanding, and stay the course! Don't give up on them! Symptoms won't improve right away. This is a wound to the soul of the person suffering. This may take years, and even when symptoms improve the scars and after effects may last a lifetime. Are you willing and able to be there? Can you commit to the person you love? Are you strong enough to stay the course? Your loved one is strong to keep fighting everyday against a world where all the rules have changed- will you be the one rule in their life that acts as a constant (as in constantly supporting and loving the person under any circstances)?

This I can tell you for sure; your loved one is strong, they are a fighter. They are fighting an invisible enemy housed inside themselves, living in an inner chaotic world that once was safe and is not escapable. You are also strong, and you have the benefit of living with an inner world that is still recognizable. Live strong and continue to fight for what you love and believe in. One isn't killed by fire, only sharpened.


Online resources

VA- helping a family member with PTSD- www.ptsd.va.gov
VA- support info for families and friends- www.ptsd.va.gov
VA good info packet (PDF)- main workbook packet www.ouhsc.edu, handout F (PDF) www.ouhsc.edu, handout G (PDF)www.ouhsc.edu
Info from Dartmouth medicine- www.ministryhealth.net third party site as I can't locate the original
VA reference- www.forests.com
Good, simple intel- ptsd.about.com
Good info for those with kids- www.webmd.com
PTSD info hub- www.ptsdinfo.org
PTSD chat- support4hope.com


Family Support

Facebook support page- www.facebook.com
Forum and online community for those with PTSD and those who help them- www.ptsdforum.org
PTSD support meeting finder- ptsd.meetup.com
Online PTSD support group- www.dailystrength.org
List of support groups and therapy- www.giftfromwithin.org
Military and family- www.lestweforgetptsdsupport.org