I think it's about time for me to dig up some old writings and post them on here. This will definitely take up many posts, so I plan on spacing them out, one at a time, as brief interludes and adding more as I come across them (some are lost, buried, or possibly even gone forever). It is my hope that these writings may demonstrate the vast array of thoughts, emotions, and certain mindsets that can come about from victimization, PTSD, or even by trying to correct the internal imbalances wrought by these social maladies. Hopefully those who are going through similar circumstances may be shown a window of understanding or recognition into their own suffering as to better understand, relate to, and accept their grief or suffering as an understandable process. As nothing living is stagnant, neither is grief and suffering. The process is ever changing as are one's reactions, internal thought processes, and emotions or extent of emotions. The ever changing dynamic between the way a person may change and thus change their viewpoint toward their own situation and the situations of others, and how they then interact with an ever changing world is fascinating in the least and at most can give us all insight into our own inner demons, their meanings, and the grand scheme of things in our individual lives and personal crises.
As a prelude to my writing I should mention it was written during an online class focusing on building your own personal economy. The class focused on attitudes toward money and wealth, lies and misconceptions in society surrounding finances and economics, and how to take control of your own financial outcome regardless of the financial climate at large. As the assignment was in this context, it will make specific parts of my written response in regards to money or finances more understandable in the context of this post. This assignment showed us how, since we've gone off the gold standard, our money basically is valued with speculation (although it was A LOT more in depth). For our response we were to write a manifesto beginning with "I'm mad as hell and not going to take it anymore" and keep writing about the current state of our economy and financial mess as a society. This writing was done shortly after my PTSD really flared out of control.
November 2010
I wanted to begin this assignment with an apology. My brain put up a terrible resistance to this assignment and finally I began to recognize and realize the resistance. Ever since beginning this class, but even before then, I've been seriously trying to figure out how to deal with a very traumatic, abusive event that happened long ago. A few months ago I tried, on my own, to tear down some walls and barriers and air everything out instead of keeping everything to myself in secrecy. This has been painful, and this assignment began to dig at the very core of my being, and my mind, trying ultimately to protect me, began to fight very hard. I have evidently programmed my mind very well, but then as I started answering questions with answers probably not expected from the originating question, I started writing a book- literally as my pen didn't stop for hours. I began recognizing my mind's protective barrier as the pen kept moving and I felt the anger rise from a deep, ancient well previously buried by years of cynicism. I've realized that I'm very pissed off and finally I'm able to see through my own bullshit and my mind's bullshit stories. I'm mad as hell that I've fallen victim to my own mind and it's made up reality and I'm not going to take it anymore. I will no longer let things out of my control or influence control my thoughts, my emotions, my actions. I will not allow another individual, or my mind's perception of the individual, to control how I perceive reality to actually exist. I will not allow my anger of the past to influence my current situation, my relationships, or my thoughts and perceptions of the actions of others. I will not waste my life on negativity that was perpetrated in ancient times. I will not, I refuse to be, the embodiment of pain, suffering and hurt- actions that I don't resonate with, that I refuse to resonate with. I refuse to offer them a home. They are alien to me. I refuse to hold onto my fear of loss- the fear that my possessions, my soul, my being are able to be taken from me. They are mine as they are of me and cannot be taken or used by those alien or of a different source. I refuse to allow money to hold me. I am its master and it is my tool. Money works for me to provide me with what I want. I refuse to buy into the corporate/political game of life- the quest for more false security. I don't play games- I run by my rules and will never again be a slave to anyone or anything. I refuse to believe that my worth as a person can be summed up by others who play a demoralizing game of catch and release. I will no longer be influenced by those who claim to have rights to a piece of my existence, to a piece of my soul and being. I will never again allow those who judge and grade me like cattle or a beast of burden to have a window of opportunity or criticism into my own worthiness and dignity. I am more than worthy because I create my own reality, and my reality dictates that I am amazing and just right the way I currently am. I've had it with disappointment and disillusionment. If I am the creator of my own immediate existence, then I will create a world for myself and those who desire freedom that contains no apathy, no disillusionment. I will no longer see the current world as an ideal gone sour, but as a sour place to hold ideals captive as I can create a new world. I will no longer see others as partially awake, but as sleeping- dreaming of a reality that will never be grasped in their comatose state. I am an island, with an archipelago surrounding me, but I am strong. I will never be bullied into submission, but rather will retaliate with non-violence by producing my own reality, separating myself from the looters and their production called society, which really in its own accord is the most violent form of non-aggressive aggression that could be perpetrated on their system.
In actuality my PTSD became even worse, however I believe this was a powerful step in regaining control of myself, my mind and my actions, taking responsibility of my mind and my PTSD (although at the time I didn't know it was PTSD) so I was able to produce an outcome that resonated more with myself than allowing others to control the outcome again. Control and safety are both important issues for someone with PTSD, and the first step of deciding to define these for yourself is one of the most important and scary things you can do. I find it almost humorous how certain points above have become either a rallying cry that I've later formed mantras around, an idea that I've either created or am in the process of actively creating, or have become mute points in the scheme of things. I also find interesting how well I can define perimeters that were not understood, but described my my wordage and have turned out all too true- for example "I don't play games". That phrase perhaps defined my existence for a time, and has in fact manifested itself in truth, as the idea of "creative play". This one idea I'm recently discovering (and trying to correct) has become all but eliminated from my life. It's fascinating how our words truly serve to shape and define us as we constantly create newer, more revolutionary versions of our selves in our quest of becoming.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
O Gray World
Before I get too involved with my next post, I wanted to thank everyone who has supported me and reached out in discussion and acceptance recently as I came public with events of my past and set out on a very open and interesting journey of discovery and sharing about my PTSD and ways I've combatted it, learned from it, and embraced it as a part of me. It is an unusual and strange journey as I don't really know what to expect day to day, season to season, and even though my actions are mine alone to choose, my reactions are often foreign and hard to understand or discern. It's a lot like standing in the middle of a storm without a coat or umbrella, high winds ripping around you, threatening to lift you from the very ground you are rooted to, and all the while you're looking up, focusing, hoping to find a ray of light, a small glimmer from the sun signifying a change in outlook (internal or external). The cycle of storms is repetitive, although no storm is exactly the same. After a time, the howling wind becomes discernable words, speaking from within the eye, seeing clearly all that is surrounding and within the dark, swirling clouds. Each storm allows for more learning, internal awareness, and looking deeper within for answers, and although part of me still tries to reject each storm, part of me embraces each new storm as a new incarnation of an old friend; as a journey along a winding, uneven path that will continue to spiral me deeper into knowing, deeper into understanding, deeper into peace and acceptance.
After completing my long planned work with the World Run for Depression, Anxiety and PTSD last month, a strange feeling washed over me, continuing and gaining intensity like waves on a deserted beach as tide begins to come in. That feeling was a completely permeating and deep sense of apathy and melancholy. After coming open with the world and making my case against certain unnatural but accepted norms in society (rape, victimization, social stigma, etc) I became deeply tired, rather ill, and every cell of my being began to radiate an all encompassing apathy that touched every fiber of my being, radiating into all areas of my life. The world was painted in gray and I had decided gray really wasn't all that bad! (Although living in Seattle I must enjoy gray to some extent ;). I've had to live with apathy in the past before, but under usual circumstances of being I would desperately try to fight it all the way out of my realm of existence, always to little avail. Usually the fight and struggle would create more energy drain resulting in either more apathy or a mix of anger, self chiding, exasperation, and a huge dose of additional apathy scooped on top. In the past I had declared open war on undesirable areas of my life (such as feelings of apathy), these undesirable feelings and reactions were swiftly demonized and ostracized- denied entry into my existence. But by denying what was intrinsically myself, I broke my being into shards and pieces, trying to destroy some and piece the rest into a pattern that would fill in the lost space. It was as though by fighting what was inevitable, what was natural, I would produce more of the same at a furious rate- like a virus- and bury myself further in the sensation I was trying to prevent and avoid.
This time, however the feeling was so pervasive and after expending my energy with the world run, I decided that instead of fighting I would notice, recognize, and ride the feeling like a surfer rides a wave. In other words, I would allow the feeling of apathy to exist. I would acknowledge its presence and I would recognize its right as a viable feeling within my being. I would allow myself to experience the feeling of this wave of apathy to the extent it wished to be felt. I would allow myself to stay in my pajamas all day if I had nowhere to be. I would permit myself to stay in bed rather than face the world. I would accept the feeling, embrace the feeling as my own, and feel its ebb and flow, it's waxing and waning in every instant of my existence. I would allow it as part of myself. I found that by permitting and allowing rather than forcing the inner war of stability and permanence, the feeling initially gained intensity and strength, like a two year old throwing a tantrum. However the massive storm wasn't painful anymore- slightly confusing or mildly irritating, but not painful. And instead of an anger and an intruder mentality, a rush to war, there was a natural sense of intrigue and curiosity. By acknowledging this undesirable feeling had a right to exist I stopped warring with parts of myself and justified parts of myself that had been demonized and cut off in the past. Slowly I was allowing myself to become more whole, allowing more of the self to exist in inner freedom and harmony, at peace with the other pieces of self, back to the natural progression, the natural place of being.
The truth is there is very little, even in our inner spectrum of understanding, that we can actually control. Actions of others can sometimes be influenced, but not controlled. This produces instinctual or learned inner reactions. Again, these can sometimes be influenced over time, learned differently, but never controlled. We can make a conscious attempt to rewire responses and rewrite our reactions, but the reactions continue to be what they will. They are the internal storm, the personal storm we weather alone repeatedly, the old friends we become familiar with through our journey, the pieces of our being of which only we are aware, pieces of intrinsic self we choose to either embrace or reject. These choices directly influence the actions we choose and these choices are the only things in life over which we actually can successfully exercise control, all else is smoke in mirrors. When faced with a simple truth, a simple solution usually suffices. The simplest answer boils down to yet another truth. You are enough. Intrinsically all you are in your perfection and all your glorious imperfection, is enough and is truly everything you need.
After completing my long planned work with the World Run for Depression, Anxiety and PTSD last month, a strange feeling washed over me, continuing and gaining intensity like waves on a deserted beach as tide begins to come in. That feeling was a completely permeating and deep sense of apathy and melancholy. After coming open with the world and making my case against certain unnatural but accepted norms in society (rape, victimization, social stigma, etc) I became deeply tired, rather ill, and every cell of my being began to radiate an all encompassing apathy that touched every fiber of my being, radiating into all areas of my life. The world was painted in gray and I had decided gray really wasn't all that bad! (Although living in Seattle I must enjoy gray to some extent ;). I've had to live with apathy in the past before, but under usual circumstances of being I would desperately try to fight it all the way out of my realm of existence, always to little avail. Usually the fight and struggle would create more energy drain resulting in either more apathy or a mix of anger, self chiding, exasperation, and a huge dose of additional apathy scooped on top. In the past I had declared open war on undesirable areas of my life (such as feelings of apathy), these undesirable feelings and reactions were swiftly demonized and ostracized- denied entry into my existence. But by denying what was intrinsically myself, I broke my being into shards and pieces, trying to destroy some and piece the rest into a pattern that would fill in the lost space. It was as though by fighting what was inevitable, what was natural, I would produce more of the same at a furious rate- like a virus- and bury myself further in the sensation I was trying to prevent and avoid.
This time, however the feeling was so pervasive and after expending my energy with the world run, I decided that instead of fighting I would notice, recognize, and ride the feeling like a surfer rides a wave. In other words, I would allow the feeling of apathy to exist. I would acknowledge its presence and I would recognize its right as a viable feeling within my being. I would allow myself to experience the feeling of this wave of apathy to the extent it wished to be felt. I would allow myself to stay in my pajamas all day if I had nowhere to be. I would permit myself to stay in bed rather than face the world. I would accept the feeling, embrace the feeling as my own, and feel its ebb and flow, it's waxing and waning in every instant of my existence. I would allow it as part of myself. I found that by permitting and allowing rather than forcing the inner war of stability and permanence, the feeling initially gained intensity and strength, like a two year old throwing a tantrum. However the massive storm wasn't painful anymore- slightly confusing or mildly irritating, but not painful. And instead of an anger and an intruder mentality, a rush to war, there was a natural sense of intrigue and curiosity. By acknowledging this undesirable feeling had a right to exist I stopped warring with parts of myself and justified parts of myself that had been demonized and cut off in the past. Slowly I was allowing myself to become more whole, allowing more of the self to exist in inner freedom and harmony, at peace with the other pieces of self, back to the natural progression, the natural place of being.
The truth is there is very little, even in our inner spectrum of understanding, that we can actually control. Actions of others can sometimes be influenced, but not controlled. This produces instinctual or learned inner reactions. Again, these can sometimes be influenced over time, learned differently, but never controlled. We can make a conscious attempt to rewire responses and rewrite our reactions, but the reactions continue to be what they will. They are the internal storm, the personal storm we weather alone repeatedly, the old friends we become familiar with through our journey, the pieces of our being of which only we are aware, pieces of intrinsic self we choose to either embrace or reject. These choices directly influence the actions we choose and these choices are the only things in life over which we actually can successfully exercise control, all else is smoke in mirrors. When faced with a simple truth, a simple solution usually suffices. The simplest answer boils down to yet another truth. You are enough. Intrinsically all you are in your perfection and all your glorious imperfection, is enough and is truly everything you need.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Seattle World Run Depression, Anxiety, PTSD support and information lecture series
Please scroll to the bottom of any page to see updated dates, times, and locations for the Depression, Anxiety and PTSD lecture series and information about our Salsa Night for Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD. There are also built in maps for your convenience. Hope to see you there!
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Love World Run for Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD
For those battling with PTSD, depression and anxiety, stigma is a major roadblock to recovery, and often a major roadblock to admitting there is an issue that needs addressed in your life. It's a burden placed on the shoulders of struggling people by society, and it's hard to break through the layers of repression, fear, shame and control to finally take the reigns of life and regain what was rightfully yours to begin with. Even after taking such a monumental step as this it can be overwhelming, and the ghosts of fear, shame, repression and control leave a nasty residue that never fully wears off no matter how hard you may try to scrub at the corners of your mind. Certain conversations spark triggers- painful reminders of what happened to you, why it was wrong, and why by proxy you are a bad person (for somehow allowing it to happen, for not being able to "get over it", for talking about it or bringing it up, for the perception of making it other's problems by sharing, for feeling the way you do and not having the ability to see light at the end of the tunnel). The dominant whole dictates the actions, thoughts, and inner emotions of all. They are terrified at your experience. The one effects all. You cannot escape. You are bound by societal discretion.
But does reality really need to be this way? Can we not collectively shatter the mirror of society, the magic mirror that dictates what is socially acceptable or allowable? Can we not create an empathetic society starting with ourselves and our thoughts, moving on to our circle of friends and our conversations, and finishing with our children and our teachings, making a world where people don't need to contemplate isolation, self harm or suicide? I can imagine a world where society embraces and supports each other, where a circle of friends embraces another into the fold who is suffering, where we can truly, empathetically, have a social conversation with the general populace at large that embraces diversity, empathy, understanding and acceptance. I believe we can reach an ideal where this is the norm, not the exception. I believe as a whole we already wish to exist in this ideal.
I am a believer of action, and as such have joined forces with an enigmatic person from Vancouver, BC who is embarking today on a World Run for Depression and Anxiety (and during the Washington State portion, with my assistance, will be running for PTSD as well). We both believe the world is ready for this message and is willing to embrace a cultural shift to move us onward towards a more accepting, inclusive future. He has already run across Canada for the cause (www.crosscanadarun.com) and is currently choosing to literally run around the world to raise awareness and understanding for anxiety and depression (of which he is a long time sufferer) and dispel social stigma surrounding these issues (www.loveworldrun.com). We will be speaking anywhere along the journey where we are welcome and people will listen to our message and our stories. We will be doing everything we can to raise our voices collectively for the cause.
I would now like to ask those of you, my social circle, members of greater social circles and society at large to join us in our plight. Help us raise our voices together by sharing these sites and my blog with everyone you know (20% or more of the population is suffering from anxiety, depression and PTSD at any given moment, and we are positive you are obliviously surrounded by suffering- help people anonymously by showing generalized support for a cause that is certainly affecting those you care about by sharing these sites), follow this blog or get email updates and start supportive, safe dialogue in the comments (so those still carrying the weight of stigma and shame will feel more acceptable and begin the journey of opening and healing), support us with a quick donation, or pledge per lecture spoken or per mile ran, support button located on my home page right hand side (this helps continue the World Run and all we do, as it is all personally funded and completely on a full time volunteer effort), support us by attending the events I've posted at the bottom of my home page after my blog posts, and bring everyone you can (this helps us spread our message and healing as far as we can into the community), and finally help by donating your time (to help me publicize or to help Wayne organize), your couch (or spare room), or energy (by pledging to run with Wayne) if you are in or near a city he will be visiting.
We appreciate all that you, the members of our ever evolving society and social circles, are willing to do to help as catalysts for a brighter, happier future, where people can bask in the glowing embrace of acceptance and empathy from their fellow man and truly understand not just how to manage a meager existence, but what it is to live.
"Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love. Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
Lao Tzu
"One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life, that word is Love."
Socrates
But does reality really need to be this way? Can we not collectively shatter the mirror of society, the magic mirror that dictates what is socially acceptable or allowable? Can we not create an empathetic society starting with ourselves and our thoughts, moving on to our circle of friends and our conversations, and finishing with our children and our teachings, making a world where people don't need to contemplate isolation, self harm or suicide? I can imagine a world where society embraces and supports each other, where a circle of friends embraces another into the fold who is suffering, where we can truly, empathetically, have a social conversation with the general populace at large that embraces diversity, empathy, understanding and acceptance. I believe we can reach an ideal where this is the norm, not the exception. I believe as a whole we already wish to exist in this ideal.
I am a believer of action, and as such have joined forces with an enigmatic person from Vancouver, BC who is embarking today on a World Run for Depression and Anxiety (and during the Washington State portion, with my assistance, will be running for PTSD as well). We both believe the world is ready for this message and is willing to embrace a cultural shift to move us onward towards a more accepting, inclusive future. He has already run across Canada for the cause (www.crosscanadarun.com) and is currently choosing to literally run around the world to raise awareness and understanding for anxiety and depression (of which he is a long time sufferer) and dispel social stigma surrounding these issues (www.loveworldrun.com). We will be speaking anywhere along the journey where we are welcome and people will listen to our message and our stories. We will be doing everything we can to raise our voices collectively for the cause.
I would now like to ask those of you, my social circle, members of greater social circles and society at large to join us in our plight. Help us raise our voices together by sharing these sites and my blog with everyone you know (20% or more of the population is suffering from anxiety, depression and PTSD at any given moment, and we are positive you are obliviously surrounded by suffering- help people anonymously by showing generalized support for a cause that is certainly affecting those you care about by sharing these sites), follow this blog or get email updates and start supportive, safe dialogue in the comments (so those still carrying the weight of stigma and shame will feel more acceptable and begin the journey of opening and healing), support us with a quick donation, or pledge per lecture spoken or per mile ran, support button located on my home page right hand side (this helps continue the World Run and all we do, as it is all personally funded and completely on a full time volunteer effort), support us by attending the events I've posted at the bottom of my home page after my blog posts, and bring everyone you can (this helps us spread our message and healing as far as we can into the community), and finally help by donating your time (to help me publicize or to help Wayne organize), your couch (or spare room), or energy (by pledging to run with Wayne) if you are in or near a city he will be visiting.
We appreciate all that you, the members of our ever evolving society and social circles, are willing to do to help as catalysts for a brighter, happier future, where people can bask in the glowing embrace of acceptance and empathy from their fellow man and truly understand not just how to manage a meager existence, but what it is to live.
"Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love. Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
Lao Tzu
"One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life, that word is Love."
Socrates
Friday, December 23, 2011
The best present
We as human beings love obscurity and the vague, to be in and among existence, but to simultaneously shut off and unplug. We love to allow our consciousness to drift here, there, reliving the past, dreaming about the future, existing everywhere but in the present moment. We wistfully float around remembering the past or zip impatiently into the future. But remaining present in your life in this very moment, experiencing exactly what is occurring and embracing what currently is happening right now, and now, and now, and (you get it, right?) is the very best present we can ever give ourselves.
By living in the past we continue patterns, some positive (using the past to shape your future by the present moment), but most having negative effects. We focus on what could have been or on what shouldn't have happened, usually focusing on some aspect that leaves us stuck, emotionally stunted, and continuing a cycle that we don't want and is hard to break. Even nostalgic reminiscing can produce negative effects if we believe the past to be a more desired place than the present moment and fall into escapist patterns. But while suffering from ailments such as PTSD it is terribly hard to keep your mind from thinking of and ruminating obsessively on the past. It often seems uncontrollable and the mind seems to act of its own volition.
Living with your focus in the future is often like offering a loan to a kid to produce a start up company. Sure there will be large, grandiose, interesting ideas, but the likelihood of anything specific coming to fruition, especially the way it's planned, is slim. The future rarely turns out as planned, and although a plan or map to travel in the right direction is important, it takes flexibility and creativity to get where we are going as our cartography skills are poor unless we've been to these places before (which is why reliving the past is so easy), this requires remaining in and assessing the present moment. When living with your focus elsewhere rather than focusing your awareness on the present moment, you miss all the magic, beauty, and whole-ness from both positive and negative experiences that exists only in the now.
By noticing positive aspects of the present moment one can break free from the past and live without fear of the future, but it takes patience, practice, and time (and it's something I'm still personally learning and working on). The practice is unending, culminating when life ceases. When negative memories of the past come up, realize where it belongs. It's not currently happening, it can't affect you physically in a harmful manner, it's just an old home movie of the mind, and just as movies hypnotize and produce emotion, so is the movie in your mind trying to elicit a response and keep the past forever alive as a corpse zombie in the present. Realize this as what it is, label it and use it as a compass to direct yourself to a more desirable future. Do you enjoy the memory? If so why? If not why? Recognize the aspects you enjoy or dislike about the memory most (spending time with family or friends, giving alone time to yourself, playing music, making art, being joyful, or massive anxiety, sadness, overwhelm, etc) and think of ways you could manipulate the present moment to give you more of what you want and less of what you don't. Be realistic in your wants (don't require the impossible of yourself- you can't get back something permanently lost- what about that thing in the past did you enjoy? Find a similar result through alternate means) and make a game plan for the present, thinking solely of what you need right now. Keep in mind any negative consequences the future may hold for your current actions, and make sure you are going in the general direction you wish your future to take, but otherwise live in the now, notice the now, do what it is you need to do now to produce the things you want more of. Start small. If you enjoy spending time with family, plan some get togethers like a game night or go out in nature together with a picnic lunch. If you enjoy some time alone for your sanity, give yourself a coffee or tea break alone at a coffee shop, or retreat to your bedroom for 20 minute do-not-disturb time, maybe with a book or to meditate with quiet music. Get creative! Combine your likes, or treat yourself to your favorite snack or activity after doing something you dread but have to do (seeing the doctor or cleaning the litter box). Realize that this very moment you are in is all that is. It is the now, the present, this moment is all that is. This moment is all existence. Soak it up and enjoy it in tranquil peace. Notice all the good around you- in other's lives and yours. Notice beauty and good in all you see and make a point of noticing. This strengthens your "beauty, peace, and happiness" muscle that influences your outlook on life. If you want peace and contentment while in the midst of life's chaos, you must make this part of your being strong through constant practice. Just notice and constantly try- it doesn't have to be perfect, the effort and consistency is what counts.
The negative aspects of your past are usually harder to eliminate from your future in the same way that you can increase the positive, as they are usually things out of your control. In this instance it's better to change your focus and mentality. Focus on the positive and creating positive in the present moment, and when the negative inevitably shows itself, release yourself from your attachment and emotions the best you can, and observe as they happen. Allow them to happen and just notice and label them in your mind. Notice any patterns or if any are repeating themes. You may be surprised at the results. Think of different ways to approach or think about these patterns to change them (after you settle down and return to a place close to normalcy). This is very personal and differs for each person and instance, so get creative! Try different things and see what works best for you, and be patient. You can't reverse trends that took years (maybe your whole life) to create in one day, week, month or year. Be kind and gentle and nurturing to yourself. When something catastrophic happens, recognize it as that, understand that this happens and is normal, allow yourself to feel what you do, and do something for yourself after the initial rush of overwhelm and emotions passes. Give yourself a small timeout to recharge and breathe. "Enjoy" the present moment the best you can with all the current swarm of emotions and perceived negativity. In this moment you are painfully and acutely alive ("I hurt myself today to see if I still feel"). Feel your pain, your emotions, and understand that this is the present- currently this is what is, this is the only moment you have. Realize that, and observe life happening around you. Notice the positive (beautiful green trees, or mountains in the distance, or lush graffiti on the brick wall across the street, or flowers in a yard, or a beautifully grey swath of sky to match your feelings, crows pecking around trying to survive, or other people going down the street in the fog of monotonous existence- you in this moment are awake) notice whatever seems beautiful to you or good. Whenever you are able, focus on the beauty around you in nature, manmade objects, even junk. See life as an artist or through the lens of an indie movie-maker, and know that all things come in waves and cycles. Learn to decipher these waves and cycles and you have the key to your own existence.
The past is but a dream or nightmare, the future a spectral uncertainty, only by existing in the present moment can we embrace our true nature and true selves and enjoy the gift of life in its entirety. The best present is NOW!
By living in the past we continue patterns, some positive (using the past to shape your future by the present moment), but most having negative effects. We focus on what could have been or on what shouldn't have happened, usually focusing on some aspect that leaves us stuck, emotionally stunted, and continuing a cycle that we don't want and is hard to break. Even nostalgic reminiscing can produce negative effects if we believe the past to be a more desired place than the present moment and fall into escapist patterns. But while suffering from ailments such as PTSD it is terribly hard to keep your mind from thinking of and ruminating obsessively on the past. It often seems uncontrollable and the mind seems to act of its own volition.
Living with your focus in the future is often like offering a loan to a kid to produce a start up company. Sure there will be large, grandiose, interesting ideas, but the likelihood of anything specific coming to fruition, especially the way it's planned, is slim. The future rarely turns out as planned, and although a plan or map to travel in the right direction is important, it takes flexibility and creativity to get where we are going as our cartography skills are poor unless we've been to these places before (which is why reliving the past is so easy), this requires remaining in and assessing the present moment. When living with your focus elsewhere rather than focusing your awareness on the present moment, you miss all the magic, beauty, and whole-ness from both positive and negative experiences that exists only in the now.
By noticing positive aspects of the present moment one can break free from the past and live without fear of the future, but it takes patience, practice, and time (and it's something I'm still personally learning and working on). The practice is unending, culminating when life ceases. When negative memories of the past come up, realize where it belongs. It's not currently happening, it can't affect you physically in a harmful manner, it's just an old home movie of the mind, and just as movies hypnotize and produce emotion, so is the movie in your mind trying to elicit a response and keep the past forever alive as a corpse zombie in the present. Realize this as what it is, label it and use it as a compass to direct yourself to a more desirable future. Do you enjoy the memory? If so why? If not why? Recognize the aspects you enjoy or dislike about the memory most (spending time with family or friends, giving alone time to yourself, playing music, making art, being joyful, or massive anxiety, sadness, overwhelm, etc) and think of ways you could manipulate the present moment to give you more of what you want and less of what you don't. Be realistic in your wants (don't require the impossible of yourself- you can't get back something permanently lost- what about that thing in the past did you enjoy? Find a similar result through alternate means) and make a game plan for the present, thinking solely of what you need right now. Keep in mind any negative consequences the future may hold for your current actions, and make sure you are going in the general direction you wish your future to take, but otherwise live in the now, notice the now, do what it is you need to do now to produce the things you want more of. Start small. If you enjoy spending time with family, plan some get togethers like a game night or go out in nature together with a picnic lunch. If you enjoy some time alone for your sanity, give yourself a coffee or tea break alone at a coffee shop, or retreat to your bedroom for 20 minute do-not-disturb time, maybe with a book or to meditate with quiet music. Get creative! Combine your likes, or treat yourself to your favorite snack or activity after doing something you dread but have to do (seeing the doctor or cleaning the litter box). Realize that this very moment you are in is all that is. It is the now, the present, this moment is all that is. This moment is all existence. Soak it up and enjoy it in tranquil peace. Notice all the good around you- in other's lives and yours. Notice beauty and good in all you see and make a point of noticing. This strengthens your "beauty, peace, and happiness" muscle that influences your outlook on life. If you want peace and contentment while in the midst of life's chaos, you must make this part of your being strong through constant practice. Just notice and constantly try- it doesn't have to be perfect, the effort and consistency is what counts.
The negative aspects of your past are usually harder to eliminate from your future in the same way that you can increase the positive, as they are usually things out of your control. In this instance it's better to change your focus and mentality. Focus on the positive and creating positive in the present moment, and when the negative inevitably shows itself, release yourself from your attachment and emotions the best you can, and observe as they happen. Allow them to happen and just notice and label them in your mind. Notice any patterns or if any are repeating themes. You may be surprised at the results. Think of different ways to approach or think about these patterns to change them (after you settle down and return to a place close to normalcy). This is very personal and differs for each person and instance, so get creative! Try different things and see what works best for you, and be patient. You can't reverse trends that took years (maybe your whole life) to create in one day, week, month or year. Be kind and gentle and nurturing to yourself. When something catastrophic happens, recognize it as that, understand that this happens and is normal, allow yourself to feel what you do, and do something for yourself after the initial rush of overwhelm and emotions passes. Give yourself a small timeout to recharge and breathe. "Enjoy" the present moment the best you can with all the current swarm of emotions and perceived negativity. In this moment you are painfully and acutely alive ("I hurt myself today to see if I still feel"). Feel your pain, your emotions, and understand that this is the present- currently this is what is, this is the only moment you have. Realize that, and observe life happening around you. Notice the positive (beautiful green trees, or mountains in the distance, or lush graffiti on the brick wall across the street, or flowers in a yard, or a beautifully grey swath of sky to match your feelings, crows pecking around trying to survive, or other people going down the street in the fog of monotonous existence- you in this moment are awake) notice whatever seems beautiful to you or good. Whenever you are able, focus on the beauty around you in nature, manmade objects, even junk. See life as an artist or through the lens of an indie movie-maker, and know that all things come in waves and cycles. Learn to decipher these waves and cycles and you have the key to your own existence.
The past is but a dream or nightmare, the future a spectral uncertainty, only by existing in the present moment can we embrace our true nature and true selves and enjoy the gift of life in its entirety. The best present is NOW!
Friday, December 9, 2011
Epic of the Selves
Self
You mourn for the me which I am not
The me which has been and is no more
An entity which has ceased function, feeling, living
The ancient self of chains and boundaries.
I rejoice in the me of the now
No sadness for the past or wishing for the future
Of living in a world that has withered and vanished
No mourning for an outdated, different version of me.
I endure and thrive in the present moment
The me of the current hour, my creative soul's birthright
Oh sweet energy! Conceive a being of your own, spring forth!
In the force of eclectic, effervescent chaos.
Am I conditional and do I exist in suffering?
Still trapped in the prisons of the minds of man?
Existing in a fantastical non existence,
Or frozen in a berg of sterility, safely housed in past memory?
I have broken these chains and escaped my dungeon
My life is mine to live basking in the glory of my mind
Freedom beckons through the golden bastion over horizons unending
The moonbeams of my current consciousness, my existence.
Collectively housed, past and present
My existences battle to survive
Frozen time in consciousness' unending
Unyielding to my new, current vision
Forever battling an epic war eternal in the minds of mankind.
You mourn for the me which I am not
The me which has been and is no more
An entity which has ceased function, feeling, living
The ancient self of chains and boundaries.
I rejoice in the me of the now
No sadness for the past or wishing for the future
Of living in a world that has withered and vanished
No mourning for an outdated, different version of me.
I endure and thrive in the present moment
The me of the current hour, my creative soul's birthright
Oh sweet energy! Conceive a being of your own, spring forth!
In the force of eclectic, effervescent chaos.
Am I conditional and do I exist in suffering?
Still trapped in the prisons of the minds of man?
Existing in a fantastical non existence,
Or frozen in a berg of sterility, safely housed in past memory?
I have broken these chains and escaped my dungeon
My life is mine to live basking in the glory of my mind
Freedom beckons through the golden bastion over horizons unending
The moonbeams of my current consciousness, my existence.
Collectively housed, past and present
My existences battle to survive
Frozen time in consciousness' unending
Unyielding to my new, current vision
Forever battling an epic war eternal in the minds of mankind.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Baby it's cold outside
Baby it's cold outside
Permeating throughout society are interesting, strange, pervasive theories about women, gender roles, male dominance, and rape. I believe these all to be intertwined, their patriarchal roots anchored deep in ancient soil, penetrating to the very core of even our modern, rational, scientific age. They are often subconscious assumptions, reactions, teachings, learned and passed down through the "craft", an art of subjugation so engrained in our collective consciousness and subconscious understanding that even the frivolous glory of our dominant culture and discourses only begins to dig at the roots, not yet understanding how far down they have actually embedded into the murky depths.
Even understanding these murky, dank undertones, beginnings, and prejudices to the subject, I am often irked by various generalizations, innuendos, and basic ideologies spewing from the mouthpiece of society, but at no time does this irritate me more than at Christmas time. We as a culture are bombarded by antiquated, stylized versions of how women "ought" to be, and given skewed versions of relationship between the sexes, particularly around the holidays, and no holiday song is this more obnoxious and obvious than "Baby It's Cold Outside". Granted, I'm a sucker for holiday music, but every time this song comes on, regardless of the version, I cringe. Yes, this is partly for the obvious objectification of women, but also partly for the chauvinist-ification of men. Quite frankly it makes all men look like disgusting, desperate, roofie dispensing degenerates incapable of comprehending their native tongue (particularly the word no) when long hair and legs are close by, and by portraying the woman as mercurial when doggedly persuaded, it reinforces the widely accepted notion that "no" means "maybe". This further marginalizes both sexes, putting them in a nice box (it's boys' nature to chase skirts, it's girls' nature to quietly, secretly want it), further stereotyping people when it's quite frankly in everybody's nature to just be people! We are essentially teaching and promoting (and selling!) rape culture- this is only a handy holiday example.
This separates and ostracizes those who have been raped by a thick veil of guilt and shame directly resulting from society's teachings and acceptance of rape culture. Guilt is laid on thick, because society teaches that perhaps there was something you could've done to prevent it (worn a different dress, not invited that person in unattended, not accepted that drink, not drunk as much, not walked down that alley as a shortcut, not trusted that person, not gone out in the first place, stayed inside in isolation and seclusion from all the dangers of the outside world- yeah that certainly will prevent rape and anything else from happening). Living like this is hardly called life, but guilt will still permeate this stigma until we can all accept that rape is unacceptable and the "victim" is NOT in any way shape or form responsible for this act of terror. (I put victim in quotes because I find it to be a dirty word, but one that most people understand for definition principles). We need to quit dismissing victims as liers or putting them through twenty questions, invalidating their trauma and their healing. We need to immediately believe and support those who have gone through a terrible trauma such as this, and immediately and severely deal with those promoting the terror of rape. That may mean criminal investigations, ostracizement, community service, sociatal inflicted penance, counseling, swift criticism of those who spread guilt through chauvinist rape jokes and negative media portrayal or promotion of victims (like the Herman Cain fiasco for example). In a hostile environment one clams up, not speaking about the trauma, not healing, not going out, not doing, not being. A person becomes a hermit, living in painful seclusion, all because of the mirror of society looking back with a brutally harsh and negative image due to circumstances that were beyond their control. This also leaves a person feeling helpless and desperately out of control of their own destiny. Only in a safe and supportive environment can someone heal from the horrible, life permeating effects of rape and become a truly healthy and contributing member of society.
Guilt in turn produces shame. Shame keeps people quiet. Shame keeps stories from being told and healing from taking place. It keeps "victims" victimized and terrorists at large as rapists, molesters, and other forms of shapeshifting evil. Shame produces physical reactions to trauma and confrontation of the demons of rape such as uncontrollable shaking, nausea, rapid and elevated heartbeat, physical pain (especially back pain), migraines, severe insomnia, severe anxiety, racing thoughts, lack of concentration, etc. Shame is a cancer that spreads to all areas of life. What begins as shame of admission of the rape or shame of things that are a direct result of the rape spreads to shame of canceling obligations or enjoyments because of guilt and anxiety, shame of calling off sick because of illness, shame of admitting negative incidences or other bad things that happen. This bottling up of negativity and emotions pours itself out in unsupportive ways, creating illness within, and multiplying and spreading negativity and unfortunate incidences throughout the person's life. The best way to alleviate shame in society is to stop the pervasive theories and dogmas in society surrounding victim blame or condemnation. Provide support and loving kindness for all human beings in mannerisms, action and speech (because of course if they feel shameful telling you they were raped, you probably don't know who in your life suffers from this), provide a safe, accepting atmosphere where "victims" can completely shed the burden of society that's been placed upon them, and heal in a complete, whole, and safe and supportive place.
Only by confronting this disgusting, degrading outlook on relationships, stereotypes, and rape culture as a whole society, in our entirety, can we help to eradicate the disease of rape and molestation from our modern culture, end preventable suffering of this kind, help those affected heal, and become a more compassionate, whole society- a society of equality, love, support, and creative, expressive, safe individuality.
"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity."
Henry Van Dyke
***********Under construction**************
Sorry! This is still a draft although blogger obviously thinks it is good enough to post right away...
Permeating throughout society are interesting, strange, pervasive theories about women, gender roles, male dominance, and rape. I believe these all to be intertwined, their patriarchal roots anchored deep in ancient soil, penetrating to the very core of even our modern, rational, scientific age. They are often subconscious assumptions, reactions, teachings, learned and passed down through the "craft", an art of subjugation so engrained in our collective consciousness and subconscious understanding that even the frivolous glory of our dominant culture and discourses only begins to dig at the roots, not yet understanding how far down they have actually embedded into the murky depths.
Even understanding these murky, dank undertones, beginnings, and prejudices to the subject, I am often irked by various generalizations, innuendos, and basic ideologies spewing from the mouthpiece of society, but at no time does this irritate me more than at Christmas time. We as a culture are bombarded by antiquated, stylized versions of how women "ought" to be, and given skewed versions of relationship between the sexes, particularly around the holidays, and no holiday song is this more obnoxious and obvious than "Baby It's Cold Outside". Granted, I'm a sucker for holiday music, but every time this song comes on, regardless of the version, I cringe. Yes, this is partly for the obvious objectification of women, but also partly for the chauvinist-ification of men. Quite frankly it makes all men look like disgusting, desperate, roofie dispensing degenerates incapable of comprehending their native tongue (particularly the word no) when long hair and legs are close by, and by portraying the woman as mercurial when doggedly persuaded, it reinforces the widely accepted notion that "no" means "maybe". This further marginalizes both sexes, putting them in a nice box (it's boys' nature to chase skirts, it's girls' nature to quietly, secretly want it), further stereotyping people when it's quite frankly in everybody's nature to just be people! We are essentially teaching and promoting (and selling!) rape culture- this is only a handy holiday example.
This separates and ostracizes those who have been raped by a thick veil of guilt and shame directly resulting from society's teachings and acceptance of rape culture. Guilt is laid on thick, because society teaches that perhaps there was something you could've done to prevent it (worn a different dress, not invited that person in unattended, not accepted that drink, not drunk as much, not walked down that alley as a shortcut, not trusted that person, not gone out in the first place, stayed inside in isolation and seclusion from all the dangers of the outside world- yeah that certainly will prevent rape and anything else from happening). Living like this is hardly called life, but guilt will still permeate this stigma until we can all accept that rape is unacceptable and the "victim" is NOT in any way shape or form responsible for this act of terror. (I put victim in quotes because I find it to be a dirty word, but one that most people understand for definition principles). We need to quit dismissing victims as liers or putting them through twenty questions, invalidating their trauma and their healing. We need to immediately believe and support those who have gone through a terrible trauma such as this, and immediately and severely deal with those promoting the terror of rape. That may mean criminal investigations, ostracizement, community service, sociatal inflicted penance, counseling, swift criticism of those who spread guilt through chauvinist rape jokes and negative media portrayal or promotion of victims (like the Herman Cain fiasco for example). In a hostile environment one clams up, not speaking about the trauma, not healing, not going out, not doing, not being. A person becomes a hermit, living in painful seclusion, all because of the mirror of society looking back with a brutally harsh and negative image due to circumstances that were beyond their control. This also leaves a person feeling helpless and desperately out of control of their own destiny. Only in a safe and supportive environment can someone heal from the horrible, life permeating effects of rape and become a truly healthy and contributing member of society.
Guilt in turn produces shame. Shame keeps people quiet. Shame keeps stories from being told and healing from taking place. It keeps "victims" victimized and terrorists at large as rapists, molesters, and other forms of shapeshifting evil. Shame produces physical reactions to trauma and confrontation of the demons of rape such as uncontrollable shaking, nausea, rapid and elevated heartbeat, physical pain (especially back pain), migraines, severe insomnia, severe anxiety, racing thoughts, lack of concentration, etc. Shame is a cancer that spreads to all areas of life. What begins as shame of admission of the rape or shame of things that are a direct result of the rape spreads to shame of canceling obligations or enjoyments because of guilt and anxiety, shame of calling off sick because of illness, shame of admitting negative incidences or other bad things that happen. This bottling up of negativity and emotions pours itself out in unsupportive ways, creating illness within, and multiplying and spreading negativity and unfortunate incidences throughout the person's life. The best way to alleviate shame in society is to stop the pervasive theories and dogmas in society surrounding victim blame or condemnation. Provide support and loving kindness for all human beings in mannerisms, action and speech (because of course if they feel shameful telling you they were raped, you probably don't know who in your life suffers from this), provide a safe, accepting atmosphere where "victims" can completely shed the burden of society that's been placed upon them, and heal in a complete, whole, and safe and supportive place.
Only by confronting this disgusting, degrading outlook on relationships, stereotypes, and rape culture as a whole society, in our entirety, can we help to eradicate the disease of rape and molestation from our modern culture, end preventable suffering of this kind, help those affected heal, and become a more compassionate, whole society- a society of equality, love, support, and creative, expressive, safe individuality.
"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity."
Henry Van Dyke
***********Under construction**************
Sorry! This is still a draft although blogger obviously thinks it is good enough to post right away...
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