I think it's about time for me to dig up some old writings and post them on here. This will definitely take up many posts, so I plan on spacing them out, one at a time, as brief interludes and adding more as I come across them (some are lost, buried, or possibly even gone forever). It is my hope that these writings may demonstrate the vast array of thoughts, emotions, and certain mindsets that can come about from victimization, PTSD, or even by trying to correct the internal imbalances wrought by these social maladies. Hopefully those who are going through similar circumstances may be shown a window of understanding or recognition into their own suffering as to better understand, relate to, and accept their grief or suffering as an understandable process. As nothing living is stagnant, neither is grief and suffering. The process is ever changing as are one's reactions, internal thought processes, and emotions or extent of emotions. The ever changing dynamic between the way a person may change and thus change their viewpoint toward their own situation and the situations of others, and how they then interact with an ever changing world is fascinating in the least and at most can give us all insight into our own inner demons, their meanings, and the grand scheme of things in our individual lives and personal crises.
As a prelude to my writing I should mention it was written during an online class focusing on building your own personal economy. The class focused on attitudes toward money and wealth, lies and misconceptions in society surrounding finances and economics, and how to take control of your own financial outcome regardless of the financial climate at large. As the assignment was in this context, it will make specific parts of my written response in regards to money or finances more understandable in the context of this post. This assignment showed us how, since we've gone off the gold standard, our money basically is valued with speculation (although it was A LOT more in depth). For our response we were to write a manifesto beginning with "I'm mad as hell and not going to take it anymore" and keep writing about the current state of our economy and financial mess as a society. This writing was done shortly after my PTSD really flared out of control.
November 2010
I wanted to begin this assignment with an apology. My brain put up a terrible resistance to this assignment and finally I began to recognize and realize the resistance. Ever since beginning this class, but even before then, I've been seriously trying to figure out how to deal with a very traumatic, abusive event that happened long ago. A few months ago I tried, on my own, to tear down some walls and barriers and air everything out instead of keeping everything to myself in secrecy. This has been painful, and this assignment began to dig at the very core of my being, and my mind, trying ultimately to protect me, began to fight very hard. I have evidently programmed my mind very well, but then as I started answering questions with answers probably not expected from the originating question, I started writing a book- literally as my pen didn't stop for hours. I began recognizing my mind's protective barrier as the pen kept moving and I felt the anger rise from a deep, ancient well previously buried by years of cynicism. I've realized that I'm very pissed off and finally I'm able to see through my own bullshit and my mind's bullshit stories. I'm mad as hell that I've fallen victim to my own mind and it's made up reality and I'm not going to take it anymore. I will no longer let things out of my control or influence control my thoughts, my emotions, my actions. I will not allow another individual, or my mind's perception of the individual, to control how I perceive reality to actually exist. I will not allow my anger of the past to influence my current situation, my relationships, or my thoughts and perceptions of the actions of others. I will not waste my life on negativity that was perpetrated in ancient times. I will not, I refuse to be, the embodiment of pain, suffering and hurt- actions that I don't resonate with, that I refuse to resonate with. I refuse to offer them a home. They are alien to me. I refuse to hold onto my fear of loss- the fear that my possessions, my soul, my being are able to be taken from me. They are mine as they are of me and cannot be taken or used by those alien or of a different source. I refuse to allow money to hold me. I am its master and it is my tool. Money works for me to provide me with what I want. I refuse to buy into the corporate/political game of life- the quest for more false security. I don't play games- I run by my rules and will never again be a slave to anyone or anything. I refuse to believe that my worth as a person can be summed up by others who play a demoralizing game of catch and release. I will no longer be influenced by those who claim to have rights to a piece of my existence, to a piece of my soul and being. I will never again allow those who judge and grade me like cattle or a beast of burden to have a window of opportunity or criticism into my own worthiness and dignity. I am more than worthy because I create my own reality, and my reality dictates that I am amazing and just right the way I currently am. I've had it with disappointment and disillusionment. If I am the creator of my own immediate existence, then I will create a world for myself and those who desire freedom that contains no apathy, no disillusionment. I will no longer see the current world as an ideal gone sour, but as a sour place to hold ideals captive as I can create a new world. I will no longer see others as partially awake, but as sleeping- dreaming of a reality that will never be grasped in their comatose state. I am an island, with an archipelago surrounding me, but I am strong. I will never be bullied into submission, but rather will retaliate with non-violence by producing my own reality, separating myself from the looters and their production called society, which really in its own accord is the most violent form of non-aggressive aggression that could be perpetrated on their system.
In actuality my PTSD became even worse, however I believe this was a powerful step in regaining control of myself, my mind and my actions, taking responsibility of my mind and my PTSD (although at the time I didn't know it was PTSD) so I was able to produce an outcome that resonated more with myself than allowing others to control the outcome again. Control and safety are both important issues for someone with PTSD, and the first step of deciding to define these for yourself is one of the most important and scary things you can do. I find it almost humorous how certain points above have become either a rallying cry that I've later formed mantras around, an idea that I've either created or am in the process of actively creating, or have become mute points in the scheme of things. I also find interesting how well I can define perimeters that were not understood, but described my my wordage and have turned out all too true- for example "I don't play games". That phrase perhaps defined my existence for a time, and has in fact manifested itself in truth, as the idea of "creative play". This one idea I'm recently discovering (and trying to correct) has become all but eliminated from my life. It's fascinating how our words truly serve to shape and define us as we constantly create newer, more revolutionary versions of our selves in our quest of becoming.
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