This is a response post to a simple question I was asked a few weeks ago. "What is savoring and serving to you, and what have you done in this manner this past year?" As simple a question this may seem, in pondering it and reading some responses to the question, I realized that we all are very biased toward the nature of these words and therefore are partial to the nature of the question itself. We tend to dichotomize our reality, only choosing to savor the desirable, and only wishing to serve through the ideal. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), life is not that clean, not that neat, organized and placed. Our proverbial ducks never seem to be in a row, and life is quite messy, unwanted in the moment, certainly not processed or ideal! We are encouraged to believe in the ideal, to strive toward perfection and the pristine. We are told that messy is wrong, chaotic is bad, and even though as kids we never seem to completely subscribe to this philosophy, somewhere along the way we all mindlessly agree that it is untenable truth. As adults we fight, struggle, tread the murky waters- the sea of ideal- often stagnating ourselves in the inevitable until we break down... And then what? It's near impossible going back to the beautiful, unadulterated, ignorant, messy bliss of childhood- we've already subscribed to the lie- but perhaps we can realize truth and allow ourselves a lovely, blissful break from all the should's, could's, and order demanded of us to appreciate our life for the beautiful, sometimes irritating mess that it is.
Response:
When most people think of "savoring", I don't think they usually include pain as a possible option, however I've come to see that by completely avoiding this aspect of self, one cannot truly savor the other, usually more desirable, aspects of self or those usually more desirable moments of life. The truth is we learn more about ourselves in our times of low, our times of suffering and pain when the mask of "ok" is removed. We understand hidden aspects of ourselves in these less desired moments- what in actuality we choose to focus on or act upon, what we really are thinking and telling ourselves, what energies actually drive us, and the stuff we truly are made of. We can vividly see our perceived faults with no masks, disguises, cloaks, or camouflage, and if we allow ourselves to truly stay in the moment we can even choose to accept ourselves exactly as we are, again and again, producing self awareness, understanding, empathy and compassion that can radiate and spread like a fire, affecting and changing others (and probably also ourselves).
This has been my epiphany this past year as my year has been quite difficult. One must learn to savor oneself before one can truly serve oneself, and one must understand this to truly savor another, but one must serve oneself before one can serve another, and in order to serve effectively one must be able to truly savor the other (not to sound like Yoda, but it's true). Often it's easier to fight and stubbornly struggle and refuse one's plight than to accept or even to savor, but ultimately the truth is that this is MY plight, MY struggle, MY life. Although I didn't own (and refuse to own) the actions that produced my plight, the outcome it has produced in my life is mine to own, and this life including all its plights, struggles and outcomes is the only life I can own. Some days have been so much more than a struggle, and some have been relatively ok, but I've found that if I stop and actively choose to embrace each day, embrace the struggle, embrace my life, I am in actuality embracing myself- my whole self, not just the pieces. By embracing myself, I am in actuality savoring myself and the life I choose to live. By savoring myself wholly (not just the fractured shards, bits or pieces that I or others deem acceptable) I am able in turn to savor others, and learn to savor and embrace not just their parts, but their whole, to gaze upon another and see the perceived flaws as a whole canvas rather than just brushstrokes, to choose to savor another as I savor myself and the brief interactions between us (regardless of what the interactions may be). It's not easy, and requires constant reminding and practice, but through vigilance and tenacious persistence I can make this practice a habit.
I have opened wide my own grief and past trauma to others this year as a means of promoting change in cultural dialogue, understanding, tolerance, healing, effectiveness, teaching, and compassion. I have exposed all the facets of my suffering and healing, past and present, so perhaps others may not have to suffer as much (although suffering is inevitable) and I can offer others a map of options and paths that may be just out of their field of vision. In this way I bravely serve- I have chosen to offer myself as a whole (aspects generally and culturally desired and those not so desired), and to also accept others as a whole, as a beautiful snapshot of a work in constant progress, and hopefully to shed a beacon on a brave internal path to healing, understanding, acceptance, and compassion. Because only through compassion and wholehearted acceptance can we fully savor or serve ourselves and others...
....What about you? What is savoring, and what is serving to you? How do you incorporate these beliefs in your life on a daily basis? Weekly basis? Monthly basis? What are your plans for continuing this in the future and how do you foresee yourself carrying these intentions forward? And what about when life throws you that inevitable curve? How will you refocus, ground and center yourself to continue to savor and serve fully, in all aspects of your life, both inward and outward?
Thanks to Jen Louden at the Savor and Serve Cafe for the healthy koan to meditate over!
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