I live with the effects of rape and PTSD on a daily basis, being constantly reminded of apparitions from the past, watching them as they spook the present, constantly reliving feelings and sensations, mindsets and thoughts long buried. Everything, all the facts, are continuously in the back of my mind, always lurking as an unspoken acknowledgement- just as though someone had written everything on my forehead for all to see, even though in reality it only echoes in the caverns and recesses of my mind.
Sometimes I feel like a human billboard and because of this I often feel like I must prove myself- prove that what happened to me is not of me, that I am not defined by rape, that rape doesn't define who I am at my core level of existence, that I am just fine; that I am normal. I feel subconsciously that I am always striving, always trying to push myself just a bit further into the sunlight, always trying to push the facts farther away from my being or away from my daily existence- to simply be me rather than a reflection of the perceived looking glass of others, a looking glass of judgement, of pain. But in my striving and pretending I am subconsciously allowing myself to become something far more detached- an adulterated form of self mired in half truths and wishful thinking. The fact is, as I am constantly reminded of the truth that happened to me, events that transpired beyond my immediate control, I realize I am not normal, I am often not ok. I am continuously forced to think about these events and the darkness which spiraled from and around this unchosen past every second of every day. I realize that I currently cannot separate myself from these events that have already transpired, nor the thoughts and judgements of others surrounding the direct knowledge of these happenings, and the judgements forced upon me by others due to my reactions over the years to these happenings or to their subsequent triggers. I cannot currently exist separated or outside of it in my reality or my mind because it IS my reality, it HAS happened, there's no going back, no fixing it. In realizing this and feeling the direct effects of the judgements of the masses and society, even the generalized judgements of the control machine and institutions- stigmatizations and generalizations by the masses- I somehow further separate myself from those who would rather sugar-coat existence, those who refuse to face social or inner demons and dragons that need slain in order for humanity to continue to exist and hopefully rise into a new era of loving-kindness and global acceptance for all mankind.
It is far easier to bury a head in the sand than to face unimaginable horrors, as I would know firsthand from ten plus years of my life that were devoted to the cause of ignoring, and hopefully forgetting. Horrors, however, only grow larger, becoming even more devastating and unfathomable over time if given the opportunity and left alone to fester and multiply. The only way to slay these monsters of destruction is to name them and acknowledge their existence, watching and empathizing, choosing to live co-dependently, allowing these feelings to exist while tracing their roots through society- they are truth after all, messy, bloody, ugly, but still truth. This is something that doesn't mesh well with our modern society's beliefs, values, or thought processes, and anyone raised in this modern mindset will undoubtedly find it hard to cope with these blatant warring values and truths. In society everything must be dichotomized- someone must be wrong, everything must be accounted for, perceived irrationality is not acceptable. Emotions surrounding and originating in a traumatic event are perceived as weakness, and instability, and because of the difficulty surrounding proving a rape when emotions or confusion are taken into consideration (80% of rapes are acquaintance rape- involving persons the "victim" is personally familiar with or close to, and only 2% of those are actually reported- understandably so) and due to our society's obsessive objectification of women (which is the driving factor in many- if not half of all- multimillion dollar markets- advertising, music, films, health and beauty industry, etc), women are often blamed, demonized, shamed and ostracized from an uncaring society, a society that originally taught these same women to be objectified. And forget about male rape- society doesn't even allow for this as a discussion or a possibility. Many male "victims" are forced to the fringes of society, silenced, mute and suffering, screaming quietly as society won't listen, won't care.
Perhaps we could better educate our daughters and sons and guard our interpersonal relationships with a healthy skepticism so this mindset isn't passed down to future generations as an antiquated heirloom of human evils and tragedy. The truth is we are all strong, resilient creatures; we just need support. We need society as a whole (including on a cellular level, which starts with YOU and I) to stop objectifying our women, our wives, our mothers, our sisters, our daughters. We are intelligent, sentient beings, not items exclusively for your pleasure or pleasurable viewing. We are human, with human faults, human dreams, desires, thoughts, and emotions. We are all human- whether male or female, and we all deserve the same consideration, the same respects, the same value. Consider your actions, consider your thoughts. Begin to understand your unconscious thoughts and desires, and be sure these desires do nothing less than to uphold the inherent value and sovereignty of every being.
Rape culture doesn't have to continue. With you and I, our friends, our family, our community, we all can begin to change the cultural mindset, the inequality, the silencing, the control- one interaction at a time. With your help we can change this society to be a society of love and empathy, a society where people are heard and nurtured, where our daughters and sons won't suffer a fate of separation, abuse, and tragedy, but of love, understanding, and support.
No comments:
Post a Comment