This is a response post to a simple question I was asked a few weeks ago. "What is savoring and serving to you, and what have you done in this manner this past year?" As simple a question this may seem, in pondering it and reading some responses to the question, I realized that we all are very biased toward the nature of these words and therefore are partial to the nature of the question itself. We tend to dichotomize our reality, only choosing to savor the desirable, and only wishing to serve through the ideal. Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), life is not that clean, not that neat, organized and placed. Our proverbial ducks never seem to be in a row, and life is quite messy, unwanted in the moment, certainly not processed or ideal! We are encouraged to believe in the ideal, to strive toward perfection and the pristine. We are told that messy is wrong, chaotic is bad, and even though as kids we never seem to completely subscribe to this philosophy, somewhere along the way we all mindlessly agree that it is untenable truth. As adults we fight, struggle, tread the murky waters- the sea of ideal- often stagnating ourselves in the inevitable until we break down... And then what? It's near impossible going back to the beautiful, unadulterated, ignorant, messy bliss of childhood- we've already subscribed to the lie- but perhaps we can realize truth and allow ourselves a lovely, blissful break from all the should's, could's, and order demanded of us to appreciate our life for the beautiful, sometimes irritating mess that it is.
Response:
When most people think of "savoring", I don't think they usually include pain as a possible option, however I've come to see that by completely avoiding this aspect of self, one cannot truly savor the other, usually more desirable, aspects of self or those usually more desirable moments of life. The truth is we learn more about ourselves in our times of low, our times of suffering and pain when the mask of "ok" is removed. We understand hidden aspects of ourselves in these less desired moments- what in actuality we choose to focus on or act upon, what we really are thinking and telling ourselves, what energies actually drive us, and the stuff we truly are made of. We can vividly see our perceived faults with no masks, disguises, cloaks, or camouflage, and if we allow ourselves to truly stay in the moment we can even choose to accept ourselves exactly as we are, again and again, producing self awareness, understanding, empathy and compassion that can radiate and spread like a fire, affecting and changing others (and probably also ourselves).
This has been my epiphany this past year as my year has been quite difficult. One must learn to savor oneself before one can truly serve oneself, and one must understand this to truly savor another, but one must serve oneself before one can serve another, and in order to serve effectively one must be able to truly savor the other (not to sound like Yoda, but it's true). Often it's easier to fight and stubbornly struggle and refuse one's plight than to accept or even to savor, but ultimately the truth is that this is MY plight, MY struggle, MY life. Although I didn't own (and refuse to own) the actions that produced my plight, the outcome it has produced in my life is mine to own, and this life including all its plights, struggles and outcomes is the only life I can own. Some days have been so much more than a struggle, and some have been relatively ok, but I've found that if I stop and actively choose to embrace each day, embrace the struggle, embrace my life, I am in actuality embracing myself- my whole self, not just the pieces. By embracing myself, I am in actuality savoring myself and the life I choose to live. By savoring myself wholly (not just the fractured shards, bits or pieces that I or others deem acceptable) I am able in turn to savor others, and learn to savor and embrace not just their parts, but their whole, to gaze upon another and see the perceived flaws as a whole canvas rather than just brushstrokes, to choose to savor another as I savor myself and the brief interactions between us (regardless of what the interactions may be). It's not easy, and requires constant reminding and practice, but through vigilance and tenacious persistence I can make this practice a habit.
I have opened wide my own grief and past trauma to others this year as a means of promoting change in cultural dialogue, understanding, tolerance, healing, effectiveness, teaching, and compassion. I have exposed all the facets of my suffering and healing, past and present, so perhaps others may not have to suffer as much (although suffering is inevitable) and I can offer others a map of options and paths that may be just out of their field of vision. In this way I bravely serve- I have chosen to offer myself as a whole (aspects generally and culturally desired and those not so desired), and to also accept others as a whole, as a beautiful snapshot of a work in constant progress, and hopefully to shed a beacon on a brave internal path to healing, understanding, acceptance, and compassion. Because only through compassion and wholehearted acceptance can we fully savor or serve ourselves and others...
....What about you? What is savoring, and what is serving to you? How do you incorporate these beliefs in your life on a daily basis? Weekly basis? Monthly basis? What are your plans for continuing this in the future and how do you foresee yourself carrying these intentions forward? And what about when life throws you that inevitable curve? How will you refocus, ground and center yourself to continue to savor and serve fully, in all aspects of your life, both inward and outward?
Thanks to Jen Louden at the Savor and Serve Cafe for the healthy koan to meditate over!
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
The monster of shame and indignity- the perpetuation of Rape Culture
I live with the effects of rape and PTSD on a daily basis, being constantly reminded of apparitions from the past, watching them as they spook the present, constantly reliving feelings and sensations, mindsets and thoughts long buried. Everything, all the facts, are continuously in the back of my mind, always lurking as an unspoken acknowledgement- just as though someone had written everything on my forehead for all to see, even though in reality it only echoes in the caverns and recesses of my mind.
Sometimes I feel like a human billboard and because of this I often feel like I must prove myself- prove that what happened to me is not of me, that I am not defined by rape, that rape doesn't define who I am at my core level of existence, that I am just fine; that I am normal. I feel subconsciously that I am always striving, always trying to push myself just a bit further into the sunlight, always trying to push the facts farther away from my being or away from my daily existence- to simply be me rather than a reflection of the perceived looking glass of others, a looking glass of judgement, of pain. But in my striving and pretending I am subconsciously allowing myself to become something far more detached- an adulterated form of self mired in half truths and wishful thinking. The fact is, as I am constantly reminded of the truth that happened to me, events that transpired beyond my immediate control, I realize I am not normal, I am often not ok. I am continuously forced to think about these events and the darkness which spiraled from and around this unchosen past every second of every day. I realize that I currently cannot separate myself from these events that have already transpired, nor the thoughts and judgements of others surrounding the direct knowledge of these happenings, and the judgements forced upon me by others due to my reactions over the years to these happenings or to their subsequent triggers. I cannot currently exist separated or outside of it in my reality or my mind because it IS my reality, it HAS happened, there's no going back, no fixing it. In realizing this and feeling the direct effects of the judgements of the masses and society, even the generalized judgements of the control machine and institutions- stigmatizations and generalizations by the masses- I somehow further separate myself from those who would rather sugar-coat existence, those who refuse to face social or inner demons and dragons that need slain in order for humanity to continue to exist and hopefully rise into a new era of loving-kindness and global acceptance for all mankind.
It is far easier to bury a head in the sand than to face unimaginable horrors, as I would know firsthand from ten plus years of my life that were devoted to the cause of ignoring, and hopefully forgetting. Horrors, however, only grow larger, becoming even more devastating and unfathomable over time if given the opportunity and left alone to fester and multiply. The only way to slay these monsters of destruction is to name them and acknowledge their existence, watching and empathizing, choosing to live co-dependently, allowing these feelings to exist while tracing their roots through society- they are truth after all, messy, bloody, ugly, but still truth. This is something that doesn't mesh well with our modern society's beliefs, values, or thought processes, and anyone raised in this modern mindset will undoubtedly find it hard to cope with these blatant warring values and truths. In society everything must be dichotomized- someone must be wrong, everything must be accounted for, perceived irrationality is not acceptable. Emotions surrounding and originating in a traumatic event are perceived as weakness, and instability, and because of the difficulty surrounding proving a rape when emotions or confusion are taken into consideration (80% of rapes are acquaintance rape- involving persons the "victim" is personally familiar with or close to, and only 2% of those are actually reported- understandably so) and due to our society's obsessive objectification of women (which is the driving factor in many- if not half of all- multimillion dollar markets- advertising, music, films, health and beauty industry, etc), women are often blamed, demonized, shamed and ostracized from an uncaring society, a society that originally taught these same women to be objectified. And forget about male rape- society doesn't even allow for this as a discussion or a possibility. Many male "victims" are forced to the fringes of society, silenced, mute and suffering, screaming quietly as society won't listen, won't care.
Perhaps we could better educate our daughters and sons and guard our interpersonal relationships with a healthy skepticism so this mindset isn't passed down to future generations as an antiquated heirloom of human evils and tragedy. The truth is we are all strong, resilient creatures; we just need support. We need society as a whole (including on a cellular level, which starts with YOU and I) to stop objectifying our women, our wives, our mothers, our sisters, our daughters. We are intelligent, sentient beings, not items exclusively for your pleasure or pleasurable viewing. We are human, with human faults, human dreams, desires, thoughts, and emotions. We are all human- whether male or female, and we all deserve the same consideration, the same respects, the same value. Consider your actions, consider your thoughts. Begin to understand your unconscious thoughts and desires, and be sure these desires do nothing less than to uphold the inherent value and sovereignty of every being.
Rape culture doesn't have to continue. With you and I, our friends, our family, our community, we all can begin to change the cultural mindset, the inequality, the silencing, the control- one interaction at a time. With your help we can change this society to be a society of love and empathy, a society where people are heard and nurtured, where our daughters and sons won't suffer a fate of separation, abuse, and tragedy, but of love, understanding, and support.
Sometimes I feel like a human billboard and because of this I often feel like I must prove myself- prove that what happened to me is not of me, that I am not defined by rape, that rape doesn't define who I am at my core level of existence, that I am just fine; that I am normal. I feel subconsciously that I am always striving, always trying to push myself just a bit further into the sunlight, always trying to push the facts farther away from my being or away from my daily existence- to simply be me rather than a reflection of the perceived looking glass of others, a looking glass of judgement, of pain. But in my striving and pretending I am subconsciously allowing myself to become something far more detached- an adulterated form of self mired in half truths and wishful thinking. The fact is, as I am constantly reminded of the truth that happened to me, events that transpired beyond my immediate control, I realize I am not normal, I am often not ok. I am continuously forced to think about these events and the darkness which spiraled from and around this unchosen past every second of every day. I realize that I currently cannot separate myself from these events that have already transpired, nor the thoughts and judgements of others surrounding the direct knowledge of these happenings, and the judgements forced upon me by others due to my reactions over the years to these happenings or to their subsequent triggers. I cannot currently exist separated or outside of it in my reality or my mind because it IS my reality, it HAS happened, there's no going back, no fixing it. In realizing this and feeling the direct effects of the judgements of the masses and society, even the generalized judgements of the control machine and institutions- stigmatizations and generalizations by the masses- I somehow further separate myself from those who would rather sugar-coat existence, those who refuse to face social or inner demons and dragons that need slain in order for humanity to continue to exist and hopefully rise into a new era of loving-kindness and global acceptance for all mankind.
It is far easier to bury a head in the sand than to face unimaginable horrors, as I would know firsthand from ten plus years of my life that were devoted to the cause of ignoring, and hopefully forgetting. Horrors, however, only grow larger, becoming even more devastating and unfathomable over time if given the opportunity and left alone to fester and multiply. The only way to slay these monsters of destruction is to name them and acknowledge their existence, watching and empathizing, choosing to live co-dependently, allowing these feelings to exist while tracing their roots through society- they are truth after all, messy, bloody, ugly, but still truth. This is something that doesn't mesh well with our modern society's beliefs, values, or thought processes, and anyone raised in this modern mindset will undoubtedly find it hard to cope with these blatant warring values and truths. In society everything must be dichotomized- someone must be wrong, everything must be accounted for, perceived irrationality is not acceptable. Emotions surrounding and originating in a traumatic event are perceived as weakness, and instability, and because of the difficulty surrounding proving a rape when emotions or confusion are taken into consideration (80% of rapes are acquaintance rape- involving persons the "victim" is personally familiar with or close to, and only 2% of those are actually reported- understandably so) and due to our society's obsessive objectification of women (which is the driving factor in many- if not half of all- multimillion dollar markets- advertising, music, films, health and beauty industry, etc), women are often blamed, demonized, shamed and ostracized from an uncaring society, a society that originally taught these same women to be objectified. And forget about male rape- society doesn't even allow for this as a discussion or a possibility. Many male "victims" are forced to the fringes of society, silenced, mute and suffering, screaming quietly as society won't listen, won't care.
Perhaps we could better educate our daughters and sons and guard our interpersonal relationships with a healthy skepticism so this mindset isn't passed down to future generations as an antiquated heirloom of human evils and tragedy. The truth is we are all strong, resilient creatures; we just need support. We need society as a whole (including on a cellular level, which starts with YOU and I) to stop objectifying our women, our wives, our mothers, our sisters, our daughters. We are intelligent, sentient beings, not items exclusively for your pleasure or pleasurable viewing. We are human, with human faults, human dreams, desires, thoughts, and emotions. We are all human- whether male or female, and we all deserve the same consideration, the same respects, the same value. Consider your actions, consider your thoughts. Begin to understand your unconscious thoughts and desires, and be sure these desires do nothing less than to uphold the inherent value and sovereignty of every being.
Rape culture doesn't have to continue. With you and I, our friends, our family, our community, we all can begin to change the cultural mindset, the inequality, the silencing, the control- one interaction at a time. With your help we can change this society to be a society of love and empathy, a society where people are heard and nurtured, where our daughters and sons won't suffer a fate of separation, abuse, and tragedy, but of love, understanding, and support.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Tomes buried in the mire
I think it's about time for me to dig up some old writings and post them on here. This will definitely take up many posts, so I plan on spacing them out, one at a time, as brief interludes and adding more as I come across them (some are lost, buried, or possibly even gone forever). It is my hope that these writings may demonstrate the vast array of thoughts, emotions, and certain mindsets that can come about from victimization, PTSD, or even by trying to correct the internal imbalances wrought by these social maladies. Hopefully those who are going through similar circumstances may be shown a window of understanding or recognition into their own suffering as to better understand, relate to, and accept their grief or suffering as an understandable process. As nothing living is stagnant, neither is grief and suffering. The process is ever changing as are one's reactions, internal thought processes, and emotions or extent of emotions. The ever changing dynamic between the way a person may change and thus change their viewpoint toward their own situation and the situations of others, and how they then interact with an ever changing world is fascinating in the least and at most can give us all insight into our own inner demons, their meanings, and the grand scheme of things in our individual lives and personal crises.
As a prelude to my writing I should mention it was written during an online class focusing on building your own personal economy. The class focused on attitudes toward money and wealth, lies and misconceptions in society surrounding finances and economics, and how to take control of your own financial outcome regardless of the financial climate at large. As the assignment was in this context, it will make specific parts of my written response in regards to money or finances more understandable in the context of this post. This assignment showed us how, since we've gone off the gold standard, our money basically is valued with speculation (although it was A LOT more in depth). For our response we were to write a manifesto beginning with "I'm mad as hell and not going to take it anymore" and keep writing about the current state of our economy and financial mess as a society. This writing was done shortly after my PTSD really flared out of control.
November 2010
I wanted to begin this assignment with an apology. My brain put up a terrible resistance to this assignment and finally I began to recognize and realize the resistance. Ever since beginning this class, but even before then, I've been seriously trying to figure out how to deal with a very traumatic, abusive event that happened long ago. A few months ago I tried, on my own, to tear down some walls and barriers and air everything out instead of keeping everything to myself in secrecy. This has been painful, and this assignment began to dig at the very core of my being, and my mind, trying ultimately to protect me, began to fight very hard. I have evidently programmed my mind very well, but then as I started answering questions with answers probably not expected from the originating question, I started writing a book- literally as my pen didn't stop for hours. I began recognizing my mind's protective barrier as the pen kept moving and I felt the anger rise from a deep, ancient well previously buried by years of cynicism. I've realized that I'm very pissed off and finally I'm able to see through my own bullshit and my mind's bullshit stories. I'm mad as hell that I've fallen victim to my own mind and it's made up reality and I'm not going to take it anymore. I will no longer let things out of my control or influence control my thoughts, my emotions, my actions. I will not allow another individual, or my mind's perception of the individual, to control how I perceive reality to actually exist. I will not allow my anger of the past to influence my current situation, my relationships, or my thoughts and perceptions of the actions of others. I will not waste my life on negativity that was perpetrated in ancient times. I will not, I refuse to be, the embodiment of pain, suffering and hurt- actions that I don't resonate with, that I refuse to resonate with. I refuse to offer them a home. They are alien to me. I refuse to hold onto my fear of loss- the fear that my possessions, my soul, my being are able to be taken from me. They are mine as they are of me and cannot be taken or used by those alien or of a different source. I refuse to allow money to hold me. I am its master and it is my tool. Money works for me to provide me with what I want. I refuse to buy into the corporate/political game of life- the quest for more false security. I don't play games- I run by my rules and will never again be a slave to anyone or anything. I refuse to believe that my worth as a person can be summed up by others who play a demoralizing game of catch and release. I will no longer be influenced by those who claim to have rights to a piece of my existence, to a piece of my soul and being. I will never again allow those who judge and grade me like cattle or a beast of burden to have a window of opportunity or criticism into my own worthiness and dignity. I am more than worthy because I create my own reality, and my reality dictates that I am amazing and just right the way I currently am. I've had it with disappointment and disillusionment. If I am the creator of my own immediate existence, then I will create a world for myself and those who desire freedom that contains no apathy, no disillusionment. I will no longer see the current world as an ideal gone sour, but as a sour place to hold ideals captive as I can create a new world. I will no longer see others as partially awake, but as sleeping- dreaming of a reality that will never be grasped in their comatose state. I am an island, with an archipelago surrounding me, but I am strong. I will never be bullied into submission, but rather will retaliate with non-violence by producing my own reality, separating myself from the looters and their production called society, which really in its own accord is the most violent form of non-aggressive aggression that could be perpetrated on their system.
In actuality my PTSD became even worse, however I believe this was a powerful step in regaining control of myself, my mind and my actions, taking responsibility of my mind and my PTSD (although at the time I didn't know it was PTSD) so I was able to produce an outcome that resonated more with myself than allowing others to control the outcome again. Control and safety are both important issues for someone with PTSD, and the first step of deciding to define these for yourself is one of the most important and scary things you can do. I find it almost humorous how certain points above have become either a rallying cry that I've later formed mantras around, an idea that I've either created or am in the process of actively creating, or have become mute points in the scheme of things. I also find interesting how well I can define perimeters that were not understood, but described my my wordage and have turned out all too true- for example "I don't play games". That phrase perhaps defined my existence for a time, and has in fact manifested itself in truth, as the idea of "creative play". This one idea I'm recently discovering (and trying to correct) has become all but eliminated from my life. It's fascinating how our words truly serve to shape and define us as we constantly create newer, more revolutionary versions of our selves in our quest of becoming.
As a prelude to my writing I should mention it was written during an online class focusing on building your own personal economy. The class focused on attitudes toward money and wealth, lies and misconceptions in society surrounding finances and economics, and how to take control of your own financial outcome regardless of the financial climate at large. As the assignment was in this context, it will make specific parts of my written response in regards to money or finances more understandable in the context of this post. This assignment showed us how, since we've gone off the gold standard, our money basically is valued with speculation (although it was A LOT more in depth). For our response we were to write a manifesto beginning with "I'm mad as hell and not going to take it anymore" and keep writing about the current state of our economy and financial mess as a society. This writing was done shortly after my PTSD really flared out of control.
November 2010
I wanted to begin this assignment with an apology. My brain put up a terrible resistance to this assignment and finally I began to recognize and realize the resistance. Ever since beginning this class, but even before then, I've been seriously trying to figure out how to deal with a very traumatic, abusive event that happened long ago. A few months ago I tried, on my own, to tear down some walls and barriers and air everything out instead of keeping everything to myself in secrecy. This has been painful, and this assignment began to dig at the very core of my being, and my mind, trying ultimately to protect me, began to fight very hard. I have evidently programmed my mind very well, but then as I started answering questions with answers probably not expected from the originating question, I started writing a book- literally as my pen didn't stop for hours. I began recognizing my mind's protective barrier as the pen kept moving and I felt the anger rise from a deep, ancient well previously buried by years of cynicism. I've realized that I'm very pissed off and finally I'm able to see through my own bullshit and my mind's bullshit stories. I'm mad as hell that I've fallen victim to my own mind and it's made up reality and I'm not going to take it anymore. I will no longer let things out of my control or influence control my thoughts, my emotions, my actions. I will not allow another individual, or my mind's perception of the individual, to control how I perceive reality to actually exist. I will not allow my anger of the past to influence my current situation, my relationships, or my thoughts and perceptions of the actions of others. I will not waste my life on negativity that was perpetrated in ancient times. I will not, I refuse to be, the embodiment of pain, suffering and hurt- actions that I don't resonate with, that I refuse to resonate with. I refuse to offer them a home. They are alien to me. I refuse to hold onto my fear of loss- the fear that my possessions, my soul, my being are able to be taken from me. They are mine as they are of me and cannot be taken or used by those alien or of a different source. I refuse to allow money to hold me. I am its master and it is my tool. Money works for me to provide me with what I want. I refuse to buy into the corporate/political game of life- the quest for more false security. I don't play games- I run by my rules and will never again be a slave to anyone or anything. I refuse to believe that my worth as a person can be summed up by others who play a demoralizing game of catch and release. I will no longer be influenced by those who claim to have rights to a piece of my existence, to a piece of my soul and being. I will never again allow those who judge and grade me like cattle or a beast of burden to have a window of opportunity or criticism into my own worthiness and dignity. I am more than worthy because I create my own reality, and my reality dictates that I am amazing and just right the way I currently am. I've had it with disappointment and disillusionment. If I am the creator of my own immediate existence, then I will create a world for myself and those who desire freedom that contains no apathy, no disillusionment. I will no longer see the current world as an ideal gone sour, but as a sour place to hold ideals captive as I can create a new world. I will no longer see others as partially awake, but as sleeping- dreaming of a reality that will never be grasped in their comatose state. I am an island, with an archipelago surrounding me, but I am strong. I will never be bullied into submission, but rather will retaliate with non-violence by producing my own reality, separating myself from the looters and their production called society, which really in its own accord is the most violent form of non-aggressive aggression that could be perpetrated on their system.
In actuality my PTSD became even worse, however I believe this was a powerful step in regaining control of myself, my mind and my actions, taking responsibility of my mind and my PTSD (although at the time I didn't know it was PTSD) so I was able to produce an outcome that resonated more with myself than allowing others to control the outcome again. Control and safety are both important issues for someone with PTSD, and the first step of deciding to define these for yourself is one of the most important and scary things you can do. I find it almost humorous how certain points above have become either a rallying cry that I've later formed mantras around, an idea that I've either created or am in the process of actively creating, or have become mute points in the scheme of things. I also find interesting how well I can define perimeters that were not understood, but described my my wordage and have turned out all too true- for example "I don't play games". That phrase perhaps defined my existence for a time, and has in fact manifested itself in truth, as the idea of "creative play". This one idea I'm recently discovering (and trying to correct) has become all but eliminated from my life. It's fascinating how our words truly serve to shape and define us as we constantly create newer, more revolutionary versions of our selves in our quest of becoming.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)