We as human beings love obscurity and the vague, to be in and among existence, but to simultaneously shut off and unplug. We love to allow our consciousness to drift here, there, reliving the past, dreaming about the future, existing everywhere but in the present moment. We wistfully float around remembering the past or zip impatiently into the future. But remaining present in your life in this very moment, experiencing exactly what is occurring and embracing what currently is happening right now, and now, and now, and (you get it, right?) is the very best present we can ever give ourselves.
By living in the past we continue patterns, some positive (using the past to shape your future by the present moment), but most having negative effects. We focus on what could have been or on what shouldn't have happened, usually focusing on some aspect that leaves us stuck, emotionally stunted, and continuing a cycle that we don't want and is hard to break. Even nostalgic reminiscing can produce negative effects if we believe the past to be a more desired place than the present moment and fall into escapist patterns. But while suffering from ailments such as PTSD it is terribly hard to keep your mind from thinking of and ruminating obsessively on the past. It often seems uncontrollable and the mind seems to act of its own volition.
Living with your focus in the future is often like offering a loan to a kid to produce a start up company. Sure there will be large, grandiose, interesting ideas, but the likelihood of anything specific coming to fruition, especially the way it's planned, is slim. The future rarely turns out as planned, and although a plan or map to travel in the right direction is important, it takes flexibility and creativity to get where we are going as our cartography skills are poor unless we've been to these places before (which is why reliving the past is so easy), this requires remaining in and assessing the present moment. When living with your focus elsewhere rather than focusing your awareness on the present moment, you miss all the magic, beauty, and whole-ness from both positive and negative experiences that exists only in the now.
By noticing positive aspects of the present moment one can break free from the past and live without fear of the future, but it takes patience, practice, and time (and it's something I'm still personally learning and working on). The practice is unending, culminating when life ceases. When negative memories of the past come up, realize where it belongs. It's not currently happening, it can't affect you physically in a harmful manner, it's just an old home movie of the mind, and just as movies hypnotize and produce emotion, so is the movie in your mind trying to elicit a response and keep the past forever alive as a corpse zombie in the present. Realize this as what it is, label it and use it as a compass to direct yourself to a more desirable future. Do you enjoy the memory? If so why? If not why? Recognize the aspects you enjoy or dislike about the memory most (spending time with family or friends, giving alone time to yourself, playing music, making art, being joyful, or massive anxiety, sadness, overwhelm, etc) and think of ways you could manipulate the present moment to give you more of what you want and less of what you don't. Be realistic in your wants (don't require the impossible of yourself- you can't get back something permanently lost- what about that thing in the past did you enjoy? Find a similar result through alternate means) and make a game plan for the present, thinking solely of what you need right now. Keep in mind any negative consequences the future may hold for your current actions, and make sure you are going in the general direction you wish your future to take, but otherwise live in the now, notice the now, do what it is you need to do now to produce the things you want more of. Start small. If you enjoy spending time with family, plan some get togethers like a game night or go out in nature together with a picnic lunch. If you enjoy some time alone for your sanity, give yourself a coffee or tea break alone at a coffee shop, or retreat to your bedroom for 20 minute do-not-disturb time, maybe with a book or to meditate with quiet music. Get creative! Combine your likes, or treat yourself to your favorite snack or activity after doing something you dread but have to do (seeing the doctor or cleaning the litter box). Realize that this very moment you are in is all that is. It is the now, the present, this moment is all that is. This moment is all existence. Soak it up and enjoy it in tranquil peace. Notice all the good around you- in other's lives and yours. Notice beauty and good in all you see and make a point of noticing. This strengthens your "beauty, peace, and happiness" muscle that influences your outlook on life. If you want peace and contentment while in the midst of life's chaos, you must make this part of your being strong through constant practice. Just notice and constantly try- it doesn't have to be perfect, the effort and consistency is what counts.
The negative aspects of your past are usually harder to eliminate from your future in the same way that you can increase the positive, as they are usually things out of your control. In this instance it's better to change your focus and mentality. Focus on the positive and creating positive in the present moment, and when the negative inevitably shows itself, release yourself from your attachment and emotions the best you can, and observe as they happen. Allow them to happen and just notice and label them in your mind. Notice any patterns or if any are repeating themes. You may be surprised at the results. Think of different ways to approach or think about these patterns to change them (after you settle down and return to a place close to normalcy). This is very personal and differs for each person and instance, so get creative! Try different things and see what works best for you, and be patient. You can't reverse trends that took years (maybe your whole life) to create in one day, week, month or year. Be kind and gentle and nurturing to yourself. When something catastrophic happens, recognize it as that, understand that this happens and is normal, allow yourself to feel what you do, and do something for yourself after the initial rush of overwhelm and emotions passes. Give yourself a small timeout to recharge and breathe. "Enjoy" the present moment the best you can with all the current swarm of emotions and perceived negativity. In this moment you are painfully and acutely alive ("I hurt myself today to see if I still feel"). Feel your pain, your emotions, and understand that this is the present- currently this is what is, this is the only moment you have. Realize that, and observe life happening around you. Notice the positive (beautiful green trees, or mountains in the distance, or lush graffiti on the brick wall across the street, or flowers in a yard, or a beautifully grey swath of sky to match your feelings, crows pecking around trying to survive, or other people going down the street in the fog of monotonous existence- you in this moment are awake) notice whatever seems beautiful to you or good. Whenever you are able, focus on the beauty around you in nature, manmade objects, even junk. See life as an artist or through the lens of an indie movie-maker, and know that all things come in waves and cycles. Learn to decipher these waves and cycles and you have the key to your own existence.
The past is but a dream or nightmare, the future a spectral uncertainty, only by existing in the present moment can we embrace our true nature and true selves and enjoy the gift of life in its entirety. The best present is NOW!
Friday, December 23, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
Epic of the Selves
Self
You mourn for the me which I am not
The me which has been and is no more
An entity which has ceased function, feeling, living
The ancient self of chains and boundaries.
I rejoice in the me of the now
No sadness for the past or wishing for the future
Of living in a world that has withered and vanished
No mourning for an outdated, different version of me.
I endure and thrive in the present moment
The me of the current hour, my creative soul's birthright
Oh sweet energy! Conceive a being of your own, spring forth!
In the force of eclectic, effervescent chaos.
Am I conditional and do I exist in suffering?
Still trapped in the prisons of the minds of man?
Existing in a fantastical non existence,
Or frozen in a berg of sterility, safely housed in past memory?
I have broken these chains and escaped my dungeon
My life is mine to live basking in the glory of my mind
Freedom beckons through the golden bastion over horizons unending
The moonbeams of my current consciousness, my existence.
Collectively housed, past and present
My existences battle to survive
Frozen time in consciousness' unending
Unyielding to my new, current vision
Forever battling an epic war eternal in the minds of mankind.
You mourn for the me which I am not
The me which has been and is no more
An entity which has ceased function, feeling, living
The ancient self of chains and boundaries.
I rejoice in the me of the now
No sadness for the past or wishing for the future
Of living in a world that has withered and vanished
No mourning for an outdated, different version of me.
I endure and thrive in the present moment
The me of the current hour, my creative soul's birthright
Oh sweet energy! Conceive a being of your own, spring forth!
In the force of eclectic, effervescent chaos.
Am I conditional and do I exist in suffering?
Still trapped in the prisons of the minds of man?
Existing in a fantastical non existence,
Or frozen in a berg of sterility, safely housed in past memory?
I have broken these chains and escaped my dungeon
My life is mine to live basking in the glory of my mind
Freedom beckons through the golden bastion over horizons unending
The moonbeams of my current consciousness, my existence.
Collectively housed, past and present
My existences battle to survive
Frozen time in consciousness' unending
Unyielding to my new, current vision
Forever battling an epic war eternal in the minds of mankind.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Baby it's cold outside
Baby it's cold outside
Permeating throughout society are interesting, strange, pervasive theories about women, gender roles, male dominance, and rape. I believe these all to be intertwined, their patriarchal roots anchored deep in ancient soil, penetrating to the very core of even our modern, rational, scientific age. They are often subconscious assumptions, reactions, teachings, learned and passed down through the "craft", an art of subjugation so engrained in our collective consciousness and subconscious understanding that even the frivolous glory of our dominant culture and discourses only begins to dig at the roots, not yet understanding how far down they have actually embedded into the murky depths.
Even understanding these murky, dank undertones, beginnings, and prejudices to the subject, I am often irked by various generalizations, innuendos, and basic ideologies spewing from the mouthpiece of society, but at no time does this irritate me more than at Christmas time. We as a culture are bombarded by antiquated, stylized versions of how women "ought" to be, and given skewed versions of relationship between the sexes, particularly around the holidays, and no holiday song is this more obnoxious and obvious than "Baby It's Cold Outside". Granted, I'm a sucker for holiday music, but every time this song comes on, regardless of the version, I cringe. Yes, this is partly for the obvious objectification of women, but also partly for the chauvinist-ification of men. Quite frankly it makes all men look like disgusting, desperate, roofie dispensing degenerates incapable of comprehending their native tongue (particularly the word no) when long hair and legs are close by, and by portraying the woman as mercurial when doggedly persuaded, it reinforces the widely accepted notion that "no" means "maybe". This further marginalizes both sexes, putting them in a nice box (it's boys' nature to chase skirts, it's girls' nature to quietly, secretly want it), further stereotyping people when it's quite frankly in everybody's nature to just be people! We are essentially teaching and promoting (and selling!) rape culture- this is only a handy holiday example.
This separates and ostracizes those who have been raped by a thick veil of guilt and shame directly resulting from society's teachings and acceptance of rape culture. Guilt is laid on thick, because society teaches that perhaps there was something you could've done to prevent it (worn a different dress, not invited that person in unattended, not accepted that drink, not drunk as much, not walked down that alley as a shortcut, not trusted that person, not gone out in the first place, stayed inside in isolation and seclusion from all the dangers of the outside world- yeah that certainly will prevent rape and anything else from happening). Living like this is hardly called life, but guilt will still permeate this stigma until we can all accept that rape is unacceptable and the "victim" is NOT in any way shape or form responsible for this act of terror. (I put victim in quotes because I find it to be a dirty word, but one that most people understand for definition principles). We need to quit dismissing victims as liers or putting them through twenty questions, invalidating their trauma and their healing. We need to immediately believe and support those who have gone through a terrible trauma such as this, and immediately and severely deal with those promoting the terror of rape. That may mean criminal investigations, ostracizement, community service, sociatal inflicted penance, counseling, swift criticism of those who spread guilt through chauvinist rape jokes and negative media portrayal or promotion of victims (like the Herman Cain fiasco for example). In a hostile environment one clams up, not speaking about the trauma, not healing, not going out, not doing, not being. A person becomes a hermit, living in painful seclusion, all because of the mirror of society looking back with a brutally harsh and negative image due to circumstances that were beyond their control. This also leaves a person feeling helpless and desperately out of control of their own destiny. Only in a safe and supportive environment can someone heal from the horrible, life permeating effects of rape and become a truly healthy and contributing member of society.
Guilt in turn produces shame. Shame keeps people quiet. Shame keeps stories from being told and healing from taking place. It keeps "victims" victimized and terrorists at large as rapists, molesters, and other forms of shapeshifting evil. Shame produces physical reactions to trauma and confrontation of the demons of rape such as uncontrollable shaking, nausea, rapid and elevated heartbeat, physical pain (especially back pain), migraines, severe insomnia, severe anxiety, racing thoughts, lack of concentration, etc. Shame is a cancer that spreads to all areas of life. What begins as shame of admission of the rape or shame of things that are a direct result of the rape spreads to shame of canceling obligations or enjoyments because of guilt and anxiety, shame of calling off sick because of illness, shame of admitting negative incidences or other bad things that happen. This bottling up of negativity and emotions pours itself out in unsupportive ways, creating illness within, and multiplying and spreading negativity and unfortunate incidences throughout the person's life. The best way to alleviate shame in society is to stop the pervasive theories and dogmas in society surrounding victim blame or condemnation. Provide support and loving kindness for all human beings in mannerisms, action and speech (because of course if they feel shameful telling you they were raped, you probably don't know who in your life suffers from this), provide a safe, accepting atmosphere where "victims" can completely shed the burden of society that's been placed upon them, and heal in a complete, whole, and safe and supportive place.
Only by confronting this disgusting, degrading outlook on relationships, stereotypes, and rape culture as a whole society, in our entirety, can we help to eradicate the disease of rape and molestation from our modern culture, end preventable suffering of this kind, help those affected heal, and become a more compassionate, whole society- a society of equality, love, support, and creative, expressive, safe individuality.
"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity."
Henry Van Dyke
***********Under construction**************
Sorry! This is still a draft although blogger obviously thinks it is good enough to post right away...
Permeating throughout society are interesting, strange, pervasive theories about women, gender roles, male dominance, and rape. I believe these all to be intertwined, their patriarchal roots anchored deep in ancient soil, penetrating to the very core of even our modern, rational, scientific age. They are often subconscious assumptions, reactions, teachings, learned and passed down through the "craft", an art of subjugation so engrained in our collective consciousness and subconscious understanding that even the frivolous glory of our dominant culture and discourses only begins to dig at the roots, not yet understanding how far down they have actually embedded into the murky depths.
Even understanding these murky, dank undertones, beginnings, and prejudices to the subject, I am often irked by various generalizations, innuendos, and basic ideologies spewing from the mouthpiece of society, but at no time does this irritate me more than at Christmas time. We as a culture are bombarded by antiquated, stylized versions of how women "ought" to be, and given skewed versions of relationship between the sexes, particularly around the holidays, and no holiday song is this more obnoxious and obvious than "Baby It's Cold Outside". Granted, I'm a sucker for holiday music, but every time this song comes on, regardless of the version, I cringe. Yes, this is partly for the obvious objectification of women, but also partly for the chauvinist-ification of men. Quite frankly it makes all men look like disgusting, desperate, roofie dispensing degenerates incapable of comprehending their native tongue (particularly the word no) when long hair and legs are close by, and by portraying the woman as mercurial when doggedly persuaded, it reinforces the widely accepted notion that "no" means "maybe". This further marginalizes both sexes, putting them in a nice box (it's boys' nature to chase skirts, it's girls' nature to quietly, secretly want it), further stereotyping people when it's quite frankly in everybody's nature to just be people! We are essentially teaching and promoting (and selling!) rape culture- this is only a handy holiday example.
This separates and ostracizes those who have been raped by a thick veil of guilt and shame directly resulting from society's teachings and acceptance of rape culture. Guilt is laid on thick, because society teaches that perhaps there was something you could've done to prevent it (worn a different dress, not invited that person in unattended, not accepted that drink, not drunk as much, not walked down that alley as a shortcut, not trusted that person, not gone out in the first place, stayed inside in isolation and seclusion from all the dangers of the outside world- yeah that certainly will prevent rape and anything else from happening). Living like this is hardly called life, but guilt will still permeate this stigma until we can all accept that rape is unacceptable and the "victim" is NOT in any way shape or form responsible for this act of terror. (I put victim in quotes because I find it to be a dirty word, but one that most people understand for definition principles). We need to quit dismissing victims as liers or putting them through twenty questions, invalidating their trauma and their healing. We need to immediately believe and support those who have gone through a terrible trauma such as this, and immediately and severely deal with those promoting the terror of rape. That may mean criminal investigations, ostracizement, community service, sociatal inflicted penance, counseling, swift criticism of those who spread guilt through chauvinist rape jokes and negative media portrayal or promotion of victims (like the Herman Cain fiasco for example). In a hostile environment one clams up, not speaking about the trauma, not healing, not going out, not doing, not being. A person becomes a hermit, living in painful seclusion, all because of the mirror of society looking back with a brutally harsh and negative image due to circumstances that were beyond their control. This also leaves a person feeling helpless and desperately out of control of their own destiny. Only in a safe and supportive environment can someone heal from the horrible, life permeating effects of rape and become a truly healthy and contributing member of society.
Guilt in turn produces shame. Shame keeps people quiet. Shame keeps stories from being told and healing from taking place. It keeps "victims" victimized and terrorists at large as rapists, molesters, and other forms of shapeshifting evil. Shame produces physical reactions to trauma and confrontation of the demons of rape such as uncontrollable shaking, nausea, rapid and elevated heartbeat, physical pain (especially back pain), migraines, severe insomnia, severe anxiety, racing thoughts, lack of concentration, etc. Shame is a cancer that spreads to all areas of life. What begins as shame of admission of the rape or shame of things that are a direct result of the rape spreads to shame of canceling obligations or enjoyments because of guilt and anxiety, shame of calling off sick because of illness, shame of admitting negative incidences or other bad things that happen. This bottling up of negativity and emotions pours itself out in unsupportive ways, creating illness within, and multiplying and spreading negativity and unfortunate incidences throughout the person's life. The best way to alleviate shame in society is to stop the pervasive theories and dogmas in society surrounding victim blame or condemnation. Provide support and loving kindness for all human beings in mannerisms, action and speech (because of course if they feel shameful telling you they were raped, you probably don't know who in your life suffers from this), provide a safe, accepting atmosphere where "victims" can completely shed the burden of society that's been placed upon them, and heal in a complete, whole, and safe and supportive place.
Only by confronting this disgusting, degrading outlook on relationships, stereotypes, and rape culture as a whole society, in our entirety, can we help to eradicate the disease of rape and molestation from our modern culture, end preventable suffering of this kind, help those affected heal, and become a more compassionate, whole society- a society of equality, love, support, and creative, expressive, safe individuality.
"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity."
Henry Van Dyke
***********Under construction**************
Sorry! This is still a draft although blogger obviously thinks it is good enough to post right away...
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Societal implications of PTSD
So often society has dictated edicts based on fear, ignorance, and misinformation, and common mental illnesses like anxiety, depression, and PTSD are no different "societal illnesses" than were racism, sexism, and class-ism. While looking for venues to speak at in Seattle about my journey with PTSD, I came across this article that made my blood boil. I've responded in part to the author, and if I do get a response in return, I'll post it as well.
Here's the original article (from Seattle PI):
Carolyn,
I just read your column on the Seattle PI website while looking for a place to speak about PTSD. It was called "my brothers battle with PTSD" and I was shocked that I couldn't leave a comment. I felt compelled to leave a comment, albeit short, as the general populace has a devastating misconception of PTSD and what to do about it. It's NOT supportive to expect that person to change, to suddenly be ok, or to address their issues that stem from PTSD as traditional addictions, or to see your family member as the problem. They are trying to survive, and often alcohol is the only way not to harm oneself. Perhaps if there was a better support system in our families, our neighborhoods, churches, communities, etc, these people could find the strength to deal with their traumatic events in a holistic, healthy, and supportive environment rather than being cast by society into an internal prison where nothing ever changes, where they're thrown farther from love, from support, from kindness, where they want to die. We all could do a better job of understanding, empathizing, and supporting.
My response to --M. is as follows...
Perhaps you should try to SUPPORT your brother instead of STRESSING HIM OUT... PTSD happens due to a TRAUMATIC event. If you can't understand what that might do to a human being, then don't try to- just offer your unconditional love and support knowing that he's been through something you'll never understand- let alone want to go through yourself. And if your mother cares about her son she will understand this. It won't stress her out because she will understand in all her wisdom that life goes through cycles, and although winter may be long and seems unending, spring eventually follows. Your brother will probably never be the same- he may always have issues with this, and it may be your brothers life that ends first if you don't support him. At least PTSD isn't necessarily a terminal illness. Take it from me.
Read more: http://www.seattlepi.com/lifestyle/advice/article/My-brother-s-battle-with-PTSD-2213751.php#ixzz1ecCobyBe
AND COMMENT OR EMAIL THE COLUMNIST IF YOU FEEL COMPELLED TO!
Generally speaking, in the media-
I'm appalled by the accusatory tone and hostility directed toward those with PTSD and other illnesses like depression and anxiety. I'm completely shocked that someone in an advice column would continue to propagate society's phobic responses toward loss and grieving. If someone survives a traumatic event, chances are that even with your unyielding support, they will never be the same, and very likely will still have a very hard time trying to cope for a long time afterward, possibly forever. Trauma isn't something you just fix or ignore and telling someone to "get over it" is cold and inhuman. Even if you can ignore it for a while, you can't ignore it forever and it will be much worse as time progresses, often manifesting the pain and suffering as withdrawal, neglect, substance abuse, and chronic issues with anger, anxiety, etc. Only soul-less people would see someone in misery, someone suffering, someone in pain, recognize that grieving, and turn a blind eye and direct a hurtful tongue. Society is wrong and the sooner we see that, the sooner we can address it. The sooner we address it, we recognize that people suffer, often because of other people or society's deranged values and beliefs, and if we stand by these grieving people as an unyielding community, no matter how much it hurts to watch or is uncomfortable or inconvenient for us to do, we realize that when it's our turn to suffer, we won't be alone, scared, and lost. The next step is to teach this unconditional love and support to our children as their birthright, as a given in our modern society, as a way for people to come together and support one another. It's our premium for our societal "insurance policy", and even if we never partake of the receiving end ourselves, at least we know we've bettered the world for this generation and the ones to follow.
Live with empathy to extinguish apathy
Here's the original article (from Seattle PI):
My brother's battle with PTSDThis was my response:
By CAROLYN HAX, SYNDICATED COLUMNIST
Published 04:04 p.m., Sunday, October 16, 2011
E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.
Dear Carolyn:
My brother has undiagnosed PTSD and is moving through his pain by abusing alcohol. Having already lost one career due to a DUI, he is in full denial and on a crash course for losing his wife and his life.
We have recently learned that our mother is terminally ill. My brother plans to come for a visit in November.
The only gift I can give my mother now is a sense that her children will be OK. If my brother comes to town in his current state, it will rip her to pieces. How do I start?
-- M.
You start by accepting that you can't make a gift of something that isn't yours to give.
Your brother's life is his to save. You can urge him to get help; you can try to coordinate your efforts with his wife to improve your chances of nudging him into seeking a diagnosis and appropriate care; you can attend Al-Anon meetings; you can call the NAMI help line at 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) or find a support group at www.nami.org; you can try (repeat: try) to orchestrate his visit with an eye to minimizing the stress on your mother, say by scheduling visits for when she is most alert or comfortable.
You can also contact your local hospice provider to see what support resources they offer, both for you and for your mom. You'll find that self-destructive tendencies in the families of the terminally ill are not unexplored terrain.
What you cannot do is scrub your brother of distress and present him to your mom as a worry to cross off her list. All you will likely accomplish is to add a worry to your list, which will radiate to your mother as a reason to fret about you.
Please focus your energy on providing the comfort devoted children are ideally suited to provide. Some of that will be logistical, like acting as intermediary with doctors and other professionals, and as link to loved ones beyond her physical reach. The rest will be emotional, and you can bring her peace just by caring about her needs and especially about her stories, assuring her that she matters.
If your mother is looking for assurance that her son will be OK, then she'll be able to find some of that in your strength. She will see that her family still has a center, a place for her troubled son to go when he's ready. That's a gift you can give.
Carolyn,
I just read your column on the Seattle PI website while looking for a place to speak about PTSD. It was called "my brothers battle with PTSD" and I was shocked that I couldn't leave a comment. I felt compelled to leave a comment, albeit short, as the general populace has a devastating misconception of PTSD and what to do about it. It's NOT supportive to expect that person to change, to suddenly be ok, or to address their issues that stem from PTSD as traditional addictions, or to see your family member as the problem. They are trying to survive, and often alcohol is the only way not to harm oneself. Perhaps if there was a better support system in our families, our neighborhoods, churches, communities, etc, these people could find the strength to deal with their traumatic events in a holistic, healthy, and supportive environment rather than being cast by society into an internal prison where nothing ever changes, where they're thrown farther from love, from support, from kindness, where they want to die. We all could do a better job of understanding, empathizing, and supporting.
My response to --M. is as follows...
Perhaps you should try to SUPPORT your brother instead of STRESSING HIM OUT... PTSD happens due to a TRAUMATIC event. If you can't understand what that might do to a human being, then don't try to- just offer your unconditional love and support knowing that he's been through something you'll never understand- let alone want to go through yourself. And if your mother cares about her son she will understand this. It won't stress her out because she will understand in all her wisdom that life goes through cycles, and although winter may be long and seems unending, spring eventually follows. Your brother will probably never be the same- he may always have issues with this, and it may be your brothers life that ends first if you don't support him. At least PTSD isn't necessarily a terminal illness. Take it from me.
Read more: http://www.seattlepi.com/lifestyle/advice/article/My-brother-s-battle-with-PTSD-2213751.php#ixzz1ecCobyBe
AND COMMENT OR EMAIL THE COLUMNIST IF YOU FEEL COMPELLED TO!
Generally speaking, in the media-
I'm appalled by the accusatory tone and hostility directed toward those with PTSD and other illnesses like depression and anxiety. I'm completely shocked that someone in an advice column would continue to propagate society's phobic responses toward loss and grieving. If someone survives a traumatic event, chances are that even with your unyielding support, they will never be the same, and very likely will still have a very hard time trying to cope for a long time afterward, possibly forever. Trauma isn't something you just fix or ignore and telling someone to "get over it" is cold and inhuman. Even if you can ignore it for a while, you can't ignore it forever and it will be much worse as time progresses, often manifesting the pain and suffering as withdrawal, neglect, substance abuse, and chronic issues with anger, anxiety, etc. Only soul-less people would see someone in misery, someone suffering, someone in pain, recognize that grieving, and turn a blind eye and direct a hurtful tongue. Society is wrong and the sooner we see that, the sooner we can address it. The sooner we address it, we recognize that people suffer, often because of other people or society's deranged values and beliefs, and if we stand by these grieving people as an unyielding community, no matter how much it hurts to watch or is uncomfortable or inconvenient for us to do, we realize that when it's our turn to suffer, we won't be alone, scared, and lost. The next step is to teach this unconditional love and support to our children as their birthright, as a given in our modern society, as a way for people to come together and support one another. It's our premium for our societal "insurance policy", and even if we never partake of the receiving end ourselves, at least we know we've bettered the world for this generation and the ones to follow.
Live with empathy to extinguish apathy
Thursday, November 17, 2011
A Tribe Called Stress
Essentially our society doesn't understand grief associated with loss, although apparently our western ideology allows society plenty of leeway to give us grief over our loss. Loss equates to weakness in our society. It's something to be avoided for "survival", and society would even have us believe that loss is totally preventable, especially for the right price. It's taboo to allow a loss to interfere with any aspect of life, especially those parts of life that are desired or attempted to be controlled by others (which is most- who doesn't want a piece of something or somebody these days!). It would seem to be better off not even mentioning the topic as discussion of loss leaves you wide open for attack, control, and manipulation from friends and family to employers, institutions, and corporations (to name a few). Although many may be temporarily supportive, and certain entities may even baby you for a little capitol in return, when your grieving process doesn't match their idea of what it should be, there will inevitably be confrontations, problems and stress, and at the very least some incredibly awkward moments. But is this the way it was meant to be? Is there a holistic, gentle way to connect with those around you in a truly supportive experience to help you rise out of your pain and help others understand and grieve with you? And if so can it even be worth the effort, the stress of breaking through the fear?
The first thing to realize is that we are all a big pack of liars. We all suffer loss, and as a whole, we all go through basic similar things with regard to loss (anger, fear, depression, relief, confusion, etc). Although our losses are all different and spark different issues, thoughts and emotions, as a general rule we are taught that admitting these losses equates to admitting those emotions (anger, fear, depression, etc) which equates to a state of vulnerability as anyone can take advantage of your specific state of being and manipulate it to their own advantage. Unfortunately when we don't acknowledge loss, our mind and subconscious manipulate this ignored opportunity to embrace vulnerability in a controlled atmosphere to their perceived advantage. These emotions associated with your loss will eat away at your conscious and subconscious mind until you are forced to let them out, allowing yourself to be incredibly vulnerable and weakened in the process as you have given control over to your instinctual mind. This also allows your mind to believe that you have no self control as it seems that you would actually allow yourself to be manipulated by another human being by entering into instinctual mode, letting it all out. This perceived lack of self control causes loss of self trust, and a spiral into a victim's mindset where it is hard to facilitate control over anything in life. Perhaps that not only is a defeating way of coping with loss, but is also a control and survival mechanism ingrained in your brain to facilitate fear and thus action in weakened states. Looking at it from a different perspective, it is far better to acknowledge that everyone at some point has grieving associated with loss- you are not alone in this regard. It is perhaps terrifying, but a refreshing exercise in the goodness of humanity as a whole and the concept of trust to acknowledge your feelings, thoughts and emotions (at the very least to yourself), and allow the freedom of movement in your life. The flip side is to keep pushing them back down and ignoring them, eventually producing an eruption of epic proportions that threatens to destroy everything in your life. The first thing to realize is that it's ok to feel.
The second thing to realize is that we're all stupid scared. Of everything. Particularly of the unknown, which as far as we know is EVERYTHING. Change, whether desired or not, is often a catylist of fear. Big questions arise with change, and even the agents of change can produce anxiety, the calling card of fear. Most often this is the fear of loss, the dread that something of value will be gone, replaced with something of lesser value to you personally. As everyone's desires are so very different across a large spectrum, almost anything can produce fear, and in some people who are currently grieving, everything produces fear. The second thing you must realize is that's natural. It's normal to be afraid, anxious, frozen when faced with scary change. It's ok to acknowledge this emotion, to realize it, accept it, and don't fight it. It's important to listen and allow it to be. As you listen, look for motives, desires, and your life force. Perhaps you are pressuring yourself to do the wrong thing, but perhaps it's the right thing for you in your specific situation. Only by close listening can you discern the difference. Realize what you want and understand why. Whenever fear comes up, listen to it and evaluate it. Remember your reasoning for choosing to do what you wanted, your why, for each thing you're anxious about. Reevaluate it. Does it still resonate with your soul? Is this still what you want? If so, your resolution and desire will minimize your fear- you will realize that the grand goal is worth the risk. If you realize that these things no longer serve you, then feel free to ditch them and find something new. If you take a wrong step, be gentle, realize that you are capable, and try again, understanding that you're closer to discovering your true self because of it. In this way you allow your fear to help motivate or guide you rather than control you, and live a more truthful life that resonates with your very being.
The third is that as long as you've unquestioningly bought into modern society's dogma, you've sold your soul for comfort- namely for someone else to tell you what to do (what to believe, what is acceptable, what is taboo, what you should do, etc). Luckily for you this contract is negotiable. A friend of mine recently came up with a beautiful mantra- "our way of living should spring from our own deepest impulses". What do you think when your mind is quiet? Do you really think at all? If you've sold your soul and haven't tried to regain control over it, it's hard to hear the deep impulses coming from your being, from your existence and the reason you were thought into being. The only impulses you'll recognize are those programmed into you by society and their devices, namely the media, the media, the government, corporations and their marketing, the media, church dogma, the education system, the media, consumeristic marketing, and did I mention the media? The goal here is to learn your own dogma, find your own deepest impulses (not the illegal kind ;), and live true to your essence, your being. There's a raison d'être planted within everyone. It's manifested by patterns and desires in your existence, the times in life when you are truly living or truly happy, and only by linking these together and finding the common reason in all of them can you find your own personal dogma, your raison d'être, and live true to your soul.
We're all lost without a clue, without a compass or a map. We don't really know how to get through loss any better than the next guy. Sure we all have some insight gained through personal discovery, and many will get up on their soapbox and preach a one size fits all mentality, but if people watching has done me any service whatsoever, I know this mentality to be an utter falsehood. As with clothes, some can barely fit an arm into dogma designed for the wrong person, situation, gravity of ordeal, or place in time. Just as your inner voice is a unique compass guiding you to a higher and more true version of self, so the right fitting and specifically appropriate mental wardrobe will keep you sheltered from the elements of your suffering and guide you through your pain and grief. Only you truly know the right path to take- if only you listen to your inner voice.
We are all deaf. We can't hear our own voice let alone the voices of others. We won't tolerate our own pain, won't allow ourselves healing (come on, we're made of steel, like machines!), let alone to truly listen and connect with the pain of others. To acknowledge anything in another is to recognize the same in the self, and machines certainly don't feel pain! But machines also aren't. They have no awareness. No understanding. They don't exist on a cognizant plane, they just function as they are programmed to do. They drink Pennzoil for breakfast, perform mindless repetitive tasks, and sit for periods of time in a numb, cold, comatose silence, until they are either needed again as society's tools, are callously discarded as obsolete, or fail to perform their function and are torn down into scrap metal. Unlike machines we have choice. We can choose to plug our ears and hearts and mindlessly, callously program ourselves to dully putter through our life dictated by others until we are discarded onto society's scrap heap, or we can choose to embrace this birthright that is OUR lives (yes, you do actually own something) and fully, creatively, uniquely live out the colorful life that is our own- including the pain, suffering, and fear (sepia is a color too you know). We can choose to listen and embrace the pain, suffering, anxiety of others so we can in turn further embrace our own pain, suffering and anxiety. This simple act allows us to release the cork on the bottle and empty all the pressure of keeping the sepia toned thoughts and moments of life pushed away, because whatever you are trying to hide has your attention, and whatever has your attention has your energy. By trying to lock away the sepia, mysteriously all you can see is a sepia toned image of life. Life cannot be technicolor again until you acknowledge that sepia is also a color.
Our paths through loss, although perhaps similar in certain facets (like certain emotional or physical responses), are very unique and personal with the paths they take, the duration and extent of pain, and the personal experiences and discoveries made along the way. And perhaps that's the point. We share so many similarities with each other that we stubbornly refuse to admit mirror ourselves because we are all a bunch of scared stupid, lost, deaf liars disconnected from our souls. If we could all just man up, admit our pain, our fear, our vulnerability, our commonality, not only could we set ourselves free, we could also learn a lot about ourselves through others, how strong we truly are, and what life is about while providing much needed connection, support and brotherhood for mankind. Eventually we will be forced to recognize these facets of life, either on our own or in our own tribes, alone, scared and confused, or supported, loved, and adjusted. Life's going to happen anyway, why not face it together?
The first thing to realize is that we are all a big pack of liars. We all suffer loss, and as a whole, we all go through basic similar things with regard to loss (anger, fear, depression, relief, confusion, etc). Although our losses are all different and spark different issues, thoughts and emotions, as a general rule we are taught that admitting these losses equates to admitting those emotions (anger, fear, depression, etc) which equates to a state of vulnerability as anyone can take advantage of your specific state of being and manipulate it to their own advantage. Unfortunately when we don't acknowledge loss, our mind and subconscious manipulate this ignored opportunity to embrace vulnerability in a controlled atmosphere to their perceived advantage. These emotions associated with your loss will eat away at your conscious and subconscious mind until you are forced to let them out, allowing yourself to be incredibly vulnerable and weakened in the process as you have given control over to your instinctual mind. This also allows your mind to believe that you have no self control as it seems that you would actually allow yourself to be manipulated by another human being by entering into instinctual mode, letting it all out. This perceived lack of self control causes loss of self trust, and a spiral into a victim's mindset where it is hard to facilitate control over anything in life. Perhaps that not only is a defeating way of coping with loss, but is also a control and survival mechanism ingrained in your brain to facilitate fear and thus action in weakened states. Looking at it from a different perspective, it is far better to acknowledge that everyone at some point has grieving associated with loss- you are not alone in this regard. It is perhaps terrifying, but a refreshing exercise in the goodness of humanity as a whole and the concept of trust to acknowledge your feelings, thoughts and emotions (at the very least to yourself), and allow the freedom of movement in your life. The flip side is to keep pushing them back down and ignoring them, eventually producing an eruption of epic proportions that threatens to destroy everything in your life. The first thing to realize is that it's ok to feel.
The second thing to realize is that we're all stupid scared. Of everything. Particularly of the unknown, which as far as we know is EVERYTHING. Change, whether desired or not, is often a catylist of fear. Big questions arise with change, and even the agents of change can produce anxiety, the calling card of fear. Most often this is the fear of loss, the dread that something of value will be gone, replaced with something of lesser value to you personally. As everyone's desires are so very different across a large spectrum, almost anything can produce fear, and in some people who are currently grieving, everything produces fear. The second thing you must realize is that's natural. It's normal to be afraid, anxious, frozen when faced with scary change. It's ok to acknowledge this emotion, to realize it, accept it, and don't fight it. It's important to listen and allow it to be. As you listen, look for motives, desires, and your life force. Perhaps you are pressuring yourself to do the wrong thing, but perhaps it's the right thing for you in your specific situation. Only by close listening can you discern the difference. Realize what you want and understand why. Whenever fear comes up, listen to it and evaluate it. Remember your reasoning for choosing to do what you wanted, your why, for each thing you're anxious about. Reevaluate it. Does it still resonate with your soul? Is this still what you want? If so, your resolution and desire will minimize your fear- you will realize that the grand goal is worth the risk. If you realize that these things no longer serve you, then feel free to ditch them and find something new. If you take a wrong step, be gentle, realize that you are capable, and try again, understanding that you're closer to discovering your true self because of it. In this way you allow your fear to help motivate or guide you rather than control you, and live a more truthful life that resonates with your very being.
The third is that as long as you've unquestioningly bought into modern society's dogma, you've sold your soul for comfort- namely for someone else to tell you what to do (what to believe, what is acceptable, what is taboo, what you should do, etc). Luckily for you this contract is negotiable. A friend of mine recently came up with a beautiful mantra- "our way of living should spring from our own deepest impulses". What do you think when your mind is quiet? Do you really think at all? If you've sold your soul and haven't tried to regain control over it, it's hard to hear the deep impulses coming from your being, from your existence and the reason you were thought into being. The only impulses you'll recognize are those programmed into you by society and their devices, namely the media, the media, the government, corporations and their marketing, the media, church dogma, the education system, the media, consumeristic marketing, and did I mention the media? The goal here is to learn your own dogma, find your own deepest impulses (not the illegal kind ;), and live true to your essence, your being. There's a raison d'être planted within everyone. It's manifested by patterns and desires in your existence, the times in life when you are truly living or truly happy, and only by linking these together and finding the common reason in all of them can you find your own personal dogma, your raison d'être, and live true to your soul.
We're all lost without a clue, without a compass or a map. We don't really know how to get through loss any better than the next guy. Sure we all have some insight gained through personal discovery, and many will get up on their soapbox and preach a one size fits all mentality, but if people watching has done me any service whatsoever, I know this mentality to be an utter falsehood. As with clothes, some can barely fit an arm into dogma designed for the wrong person, situation, gravity of ordeal, or place in time. Just as your inner voice is a unique compass guiding you to a higher and more true version of self, so the right fitting and specifically appropriate mental wardrobe will keep you sheltered from the elements of your suffering and guide you through your pain and grief. Only you truly know the right path to take- if only you listen to your inner voice.
We are all deaf. We can't hear our own voice let alone the voices of others. We won't tolerate our own pain, won't allow ourselves healing (come on, we're made of steel, like machines!), let alone to truly listen and connect with the pain of others. To acknowledge anything in another is to recognize the same in the self, and machines certainly don't feel pain! But machines also aren't. They have no awareness. No understanding. They don't exist on a cognizant plane, they just function as they are programmed to do. They drink Pennzoil for breakfast, perform mindless repetitive tasks, and sit for periods of time in a numb, cold, comatose silence, until they are either needed again as society's tools, are callously discarded as obsolete, or fail to perform their function and are torn down into scrap metal. Unlike machines we have choice. We can choose to plug our ears and hearts and mindlessly, callously program ourselves to dully putter through our life dictated by others until we are discarded onto society's scrap heap, or we can choose to embrace this birthright that is OUR lives (yes, you do actually own something) and fully, creatively, uniquely live out the colorful life that is our own- including the pain, suffering, and fear (sepia is a color too you know). We can choose to listen and embrace the pain, suffering, anxiety of others so we can in turn further embrace our own pain, suffering and anxiety. This simple act allows us to release the cork on the bottle and empty all the pressure of keeping the sepia toned thoughts and moments of life pushed away, because whatever you are trying to hide has your attention, and whatever has your attention has your energy. By trying to lock away the sepia, mysteriously all you can see is a sepia toned image of life. Life cannot be technicolor again until you acknowledge that sepia is also a color.
Our paths through loss, although perhaps similar in certain facets (like certain emotional or physical responses), are very unique and personal with the paths they take, the duration and extent of pain, and the personal experiences and discoveries made along the way. And perhaps that's the point. We share so many similarities with each other that we stubbornly refuse to admit mirror ourselves because we are all a bunch of scared stupid, lost, deaf liars disconnected from our souls. If we could all just man up, admit our pain, our fear, our vulnerability, our commonality, not only could we set ourselves free, we could also learn a lot about ourselves through others, how strong we truly are, and what life is about while providing much needed connection, support and brotherhood for mankind. Eventually we will be forced to recognize these facets of life, either on our own or in our own tribes, alone, scared and confused, or supported, loved, and adjusted. Life's going to happen anyway, why not face it together?
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Jedi mind tricks- Snap your fingers, Snap your habits
Tell me a story! I know we all love a good story. Kids won't fall asleep at night without one. Preteen slumber parties wouldn't be the same without a scary ghost story. Young adults like to share funny stories around a campfire. Adults can't stand to miss out on a presale of their favorite series or favorite author. I guess it's not too surprising that even our brain loves telling stories, most interestingly to our subconscious while we aren't paying any attention.
We all have a running story line in our heads- usually something like "I was so dumb to say that! That's why I didn't get that promotion. I'm so stupid!" or "Man if I hadn't stayed up all night partying again I wouldn't have bombed that final. I have absolutely no willpower!". Usually with trauma cases or depression they are much worse and much harder to actually hear. They may just be a screaming in your head at a traumatic memory or flashback and translate in emotion to your brain as "victim", "helpless", "alone", or they may be a subconscious recognition of a string of similar mini traumatic events related by pattern of emotion to the actual original incident that happened. These evoke much deeper running story lines such as "I always get hurt when __" or "Everyone always sees me as an object" or "I always get taken advantage of" or "Everyone who knows what happened to me always looks at me as if I'm broken". There are a million more. I personally know this for a fact. They are always going through your head as definitive, absolute, and unyielding constants and therefore are definitions your brain creates to define your life. What's worse, especially with PTSD, depression, or anxiety, the more you subconsciously think these thoughts, the more you allow the running commentary in your head to continue, the more situations you will subconsciously place yourself in where these thoughts will manifest into perceived truth. You subconsciously (or consciously if you know how) create your life with these thoughts, these definitions of self. By defining yourself as something, you seek more of the same. Essentially, you are a self fulfilling prophesy.
Now before your brain starts telling you that you're screwed, that you're already so far down the wrong path it's too dark to get out, or that you obviously can't even pay attention to it let alone to changing your life, or something similar, realize that changing your thinking can be fun, interesting, safe, and it's not nearly as hard as you may think. Let's first get in the right mindset. First we need to play scientist!
One of my favorite zodiac signs is Aquarius. They tend to be analytical, zany, experimental, detached from even their own lives, driven by an innate desire to observe, experiment or catalyze, observe, try another quirky theory and observe some more. The keyword here is observe, because no matter what they are doing or instigating they are observing- themselves and others- in a detached, analytical way. They find these experiments terribly, morbidly fascinating and usually humorous. Think the music video from the 80's song "She blinded me, with science!". Yep, that's the true essence of Aquarius. Of course even Aquarius's can get bogged down in this self depreciating story line behavior, but it's their curiosity, their observational, scientific behavior and morbid sense of humor we need to tap into.
There are a few ways to go about disassembling your brain and rewiring it for the life you want and desire. All these are excellent tools, and can be used together, but most importantly is OBSERVING. You must observe your brain in action. Pay attention constantly. When you hear yourself thinking something, listen. When you realize you've been spacing out (like a true Aquarius ;) and not paying attention, listen! Listen to both what you are saying and how it makes you feel. Are you being rigid, definitive, absolute and constant (words like always and never are usually indicators of this), or harsh, criticizing, or condemning towards yourself (the present case- specifically "am" can be a recognizable anchor word for this)?
Pay attention always (as much as you can) to your thoughts. When you realize that what you are telling yourself is cruel, not true 100% of the time, or not a cornerstone that you would like to build your life on, gently, and with absolute kindness and an Aquarian intrigue recognize that fact. Acknowledge that fact and gently let the thought go. A great way to do this is to curiously see it, acknowledge it as something you don't need (like when you are shopping and see something super interesting but you would never buy it because it doesn't fit your decor, or it's not you), and let it go. This is a great way to begin to pay attention to your brain- because it says some pretty interesting things when we aren't paying attention.
Good job paying attention to your thoughts- try to do this as often as you can. The next step is to substitute those negative, absolute, set in stone, unyielding thoughts with ones more supportive, more friendly, more close to reality and truth, and ones that you want to build your life around as truths. Many people call these affirmations. I believe there are two kinds.
The first are affirmations, or actively rewiring your motherboard. After you think a negative thought that you want to change, follow the steps above, then insert instead a new thought of your design. Example- "I'm so stupid!", observe and notice, "hmm, interesting thought", let go of thought "I'm an intelligent, valuable being with a grand potential to fulfill". This feels much better, and also notice that there is no judgement placed on the original thought. It's observed with curiosity and let go to be replaced by a new thought. Simple, safe, friendly and effective.
The second type are my favorites and they are especially effective for cases where you identify trends in your thoughts, especially when the feelings associated with whatever thoughts they are bring you back to the trauma or enflame your PTSD, depression, anxiety, etc. I call these mantras. Some of my favorites- "I'm not a victim, I am strong. By allowing ___ to control me, I allow myself to be a victim. I refuse to be a victim. I am strong." Another- "___ that happened to me doesn't make any sense, but if it can be used to help other people, then it's worth it. If I knew ___ could be used to help just one person, pain transmuted into divine intervention, then I would have consciously agreed to it". I find these mantras to be highly empowering, and I use them often- whenever I feel my symptoms taking control, whenever I feel ancient emotions or emotions that are connected like beads on a spiders web back to the original incident and therefore a continuing trend in my life, I use a mantra I made. I might add that these mantras came to me as personal absolute truths, and if you are not paying attention to your thoughts in the first place to even put one and one together and realize trends in your life, then it will be virtually impossible to create mantras that hold true to you and resonate with your soul, but these are very empowering and healing.
Now for you crazy Aquarians or those of you wanting to jump start your learning curve... If you really want to spunk it up, buy some rubber bands- the real thick kind- and be sure they can loosely fit around your wrist. Wear them all the time- especially in the shower. Every time you think one of those interesting-but-not-true thoughts or fascinating-but-not-what-I-want-in-life thoughts, immediately pinch the rubber band at the inside of your wrist, pull back as far as you can physically stomach and let go. You MUST do this as soon as you catch yourself thinking these things- no anticipation, just do it! Now rub your wrist gently, kiss it!, and as you do this, say out loud a kind replacement of the story you originally thought. Example- "I'm so stupi-" SNAP! "owwww!" rub, kiss "I'm an intelligent, valuable being with a grand potential to fulfill". That is still truthful, and it feels so much better! And surprisingly the pain in your wrist actually feels pretty good knowing you're doing something awesome for yourself like programming your inner computer to go the direction in life you want to go. Although wouldn't it be great if redirecting our circuitry was less painful- it really does sting in the shower!
Perhaps though, you will realize some truths when your brain says some things- not in the negativity mind you, but sometimes there is a valid point that you may (or may not!) want to address. For example you see your boyfriend doing housework while you are just sitting around. You notice the running story line- your brain is essentially telling you you are lazy. (There's the "are" insinuating that you are defined as such). That's not very nice, so you clear the thought and replace it with a more supportive one, however you realize that in that specific instance you were perhaps being lazy. You then choose not to be so you get up and help clean. Or perhaps you decide to disagree. Perhaps you just spent a few hours outside weeding or mowing, or perhaps you've had a bad time recently with PTSD symptoms and you need some chill time. Acknowledge this and think something supportive, like "I'm allowed a break from life if I need one- it's important to take care of myself.".
The point is, facts are facts, but nothing is etched in stone or stagnant, including yourself. It's uncomfortable to watch someone who is stiff and can't bend well- our bodies and our minds are happier and more fully functional when they are flexible. Allow yourself room to breathe, room to move, room to live. There- now doesn't that feel better? :)
We all have a running story line in our heads- usually something like "I was so dumb to say that! That's why I didn't get that promotion. I'm so stupid!" or "Man if I hadn't stayed up all night partying again I wouldn't have bombed that final. I have absolutely no willpower!". Usually with trauma cases or depression they are much worse and much harder to actually hear. They may just be a screaming in your head at a traumatic memory or flashback and translate in emotion to your brain as "victim", "helpless", "alone", or they may be a subconscious recognition of a string of similar mini traumatic events related by pattern of emotion to the actual original incident that happened. These evoke much deeper running story lines such as "I always get hurt when __" or "Everyone always sees me as an object" or "I always get taken advantage of" or "Everyone who knows what happened to me always looks at me as if I'm broken". There are a million more. I personally know this for a fact. They are always going through your head as definitive, absolute, and unyielding constants and therefore are definitions your brain creates to define your life. What's worse, especially with PTSD, depression, or anxiety, the more you subconsciously think these thoughts, the more you allow the running commentary in your head to continue, the more situations you will subconsciously place yourself in where these thoughts will manifest into perceived truth. You subconsciously (or consciously if you know how) create your life with these thoughts, these definitions of self. By defining yourself as something, you seek more of the same. Essentially, you are a self fulfilling prophesy.
Now before your brain starts telling you that you're screwed, that you're already so far down the wrong path it's too dark to get out, or that you obviously can't even pay attention to it let alone to changing your life, or something similar, realize that changing your thinking can be fun, interesting, safe, and it's not nearly as hard as you may think. Let's first get in the right mindset. First we need to play scientist!
One of my favorite zodiac signs is Aquarius. They tend to be analytical, zany, experimental, detached from even their own lives, driven by an innate desire to observe, experiment or catalyze, observe, try another quirky theory and observe some more. The keyword here is observe, because no matter what they are doing or instigating they are observing- themselves and others- in a detached, analytical way. They find these experiments terribly, morbidly fascinating and usually humorous. Think the music video from the 80's song "She blinded me, with science!". Yep, that's the true essence of Aquarius. Of course even Aquarius's can get bogged down in this self depreciating story line behavior, but it's their curiosity, their observational, scientific behavior and morbid sense of humor we need to tap into.
There are a few ways to go about disassembling your brain and rewiring it for the life you want and desire. All these are excellent tools, and can be used together, but most importantly is OBSERVING. You must observe your brain in action. Pay attention constantly. When you hear yourself thinking something, listen. When you realize you've been spacing out (like a true Aquarius ;) and not paying attention, listen! Listen to both what you are saying and how it makes you feel. Are you being rigid, definitive, absolute and constant (words like always and never are usually indicators of this), or harsh, criticizing, or condemning towards yourself (the present case- specifically "am" can be a recognizable anchor word for this)?
Pay attention always (as much as you can) to your thoughts. When you realize that what you are telling yourself is cruel, not true 100% of the time, or not a cornerstone that you would like to build your life on, gently, and with absolute kindness and an Aquarian intrigue recognize that fact. Acknowledge that fact and gently let the thought go. A great way to do this is to curiously see it, acknowledge it as something you don't need (like when you are shopping and see something super interesting but you would never buy it because it doesn't fit your decor, or it's not you), and let it go. This is a great way to begin to pay attention to your brain- because it says some pretty interesting things when we aren't paying attention.
Good job paying attention to your thoughts- try to do this as often as you can. The next step is to substitute those negative, absolute, set in stone, unyielding thoughts with ones more supportive, more friendly, more close to reality and truth, and ones that you want to build your life around as truths. Many people call these affirmations. I believe there are two kinds.
The first are affirmations, or actively rewiring your motherboard. After you think a negative thought that you want to change, follow the steps above, then insert instead a new thought of your design. Example- "I'm so stupid!", observe and notice, "hmm, interesting thought", let go of thought "I'm an intelligent, valuable being with a grand potential to fulfill". This feels much better, and also notice that there is no judgement placed on the original thought. It's observed with curiosity and let go to be replaced by a new thought. Simple, safe, friendly and effective.
The second type are my favorites and they are especially effective for cases where you identify trends in your thoughts, especially when the feelings associated with whatever thoughts they are bring you back to the trauma or enflame your PTSD, depression, anxiety, etc. I call these mantras. Some of my favorites- "I'm not a victim, I am strong. By allowing ___ to control me, I allow myself to be a victim. I refuse to be a victim. I am strong." Another- "___ that happened to me doesn't make any sense, but if it can be used to help other people, then it's worth it. If I knew ___ could be used to help just one person, pain transmuted into divine intervention, then I would have consciously agreed to it". I find these mantras to be highly empowering, and I use them often- whenever I feel my symptoms taking control, whenever I feel ancient emotions or emotions that are connected like beads on a spiders web back to the original incident and therefore a continuing trend in my life, I use a mantra I made. I might add that these mantras came to me as personal absolute truths, and if you are not paying attention to your thoughts in the first place to even put one and one together and realize trends in your life, then it will be virtually impossible to create mantras that hold true to you and resonate with your soul, but these are very empowering and healing.
Now for you crazy Aquarians or those of you wanting to jump start your learning curve... If you really want to spunk it up, buy some rubber bands- the real thick kind- and be sure they can loosely fit around your wrist. Wear them all the time- especially in the shower. Every time you think one of those interesting-but-not-true thoughts or fascinating-but-not-what-I-want-in-life thoughts, immediately pinch the rubber band at the inside of your wrist, pull back as far as you can physically stomach and let go. You MUST do this as soon as you catch yourself thinking these things- no anticipation, just do it! Now rub your wrist gently, kiss it!, and as you do this, say out loud a kind replacement of the story you originally thought. Example- "I'm so stupi-" SNAP! "owwww!" rub, kiss "I'm an intelligent, valuable being with a grand potential to fulfill". That is still truthful, and it feels so much better! And surprisingly the pain in your wrist actually feels pretty good knowing you're doing something awesome for yourself like programming your inner computer to go the direction in life you want to go. Although wouldn't it be great if redirecting our circuitry was less painful- it really does sting in the shower!
Perhaps though, you will realize some truths when your brain says some things- not in the negativity mind you, but sometimes there is a valid point that you may (or may not!) want to address. For example you see your boyfriend doing housework while you are just sitting around. You notice the running story line- your brain is essentially telling you you are lazy. (There's the "are" insinuating that you are defined as such). That's not very nice, so you clear the thought and replace it with a more supportive one, however you realize that in that specific instance you were perhaps being lazy. You then choose not to be so you get up and help clean. Or perhaps you decide to disagree. Perhaps you just spent a few hours outside weeding or mowing, or perhaps you've had a bad time recently with PTSD symptoms and you need some chill time. Acknowledge this and think something supportive, like "I'm allowed a break from life if I need one- it's important to take care of myself.".
The point is, facts are facts, but nothing is etched in stone or stagnant, including yourself. It's uncomfortable to watch someone who is stiff and can't bend well- our bodies and our minds are happier and more fully functional when they are flexible. Allow yourself room to breathe, room to move, room to live. There- now doesn't that feel better? :)
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