O Gray World

Before I get too involved with my next post, I wanted to thank everyone who has supported me and reached out in discussion and acceptance recently as I came public with events of my past and set out on a very open and interesting journey of discovery and sharing about my PTSD and ways I've combatted it, learned from it, and embraced it as a part of me. It is an unusual and strange journey as I don't really know what to expect day to day, season to season, and even though my actions are mine alone to choose, my reactions are often foreign and hard to understand or discern. It's a lot like standing in the middle of a storm without a coat or umbrella, high winds ripping around you, threatening to lift you from the very ground you are rooted to, and all the while you're looking up, focusing, hoping to find a ray of light, a small glimmer from the sun signifying a change in outlook (internal or external). The cycle of storms is repetitive, although no storm is exactly the same. After a time, the howling wind becomes discernable words, speaking from within the eye, seeing clearly all that is surrounding and within the dark, swirling clouds. Each storm allows for more learning, internal awareness, and looking deeper within for answers, and although part of me still tries to reject each storm, part of me embraces each new storm as a new incarnation of an old friend; as a journey along a winding, uneven path that will continue to spiral me deeper into knowing, deeper into understanding, deeper into peace and acceptance.

After completing my long planned work with the World Run for Depression, Anxiety and PTSD last month, a strange feeling washed over me, continuing and gaining intensity like waves on a deserted beach as tide begins to come in. That feeling was a completely permeating and deep sense of apathy and melancholy. After coming open with the world and making my case against certain unnatural but accepted norms in society (rape, victimization, social stigma, etc) I became deeply tired, rather ill, and every cell of my being began to radiate an all encompassing apathy that touched every fiber of my being, radiating into all areas of my life. The world was painted in gray and I had decided gray really wasn't all that bad! (Although living in Seattle I must enjoy gray to some extent ;). I've had to live with apathy in the past before, but under usual circumstances of being I would desperately try to fight it all the way out of my realm of existence, always to little avail. Usually the fight and struggle would create more energy drain resulting in either more apathy or a mix of anger, self chiding, exasperation, and a huge dose of additional apathy scooped on top. In the past I had declared open war on undesirable areas of my life (such as feelings of apathy), these undesirable feelings and reactions were swiftly demonized and ostracized- denied entry into my existence. But by denying what was intrinsically myself, I broke my being into shards and pieces, trying to destroy some and piece the rest into a pattern that would fill in the lost space. It was as though by fighting what was inevitable, what was natural, I would produce more of the same at a furious rate- like a virus- and bury myself further in the sensation I was trying to prevent and avoid.

This time, however the feeling was so pervasive and after expending my energy with the world run, I decided that instead of fighting I would notice, recognize, and ride the feeling like a surfer rides a wave. In other words, I would allow the feeling of apathy to exist. I would acknowledge its presence and I would recognize its right as a viable feeling within my being. I would allow myself to experience the feeling of this wave of apathy to the extent it wished to be felt. I would allow myself to stay in my pajamas all day if I had nowhere to be. I would permit myself to stay in bed rather than face the world. I would accept the feeling, embrace the feeling as my own, and feel its ebb and flow, it's waxing and waning in every instant of my existence. I would allow it as part of myself. I found that by permitting and allowing rather than forcing the inner war of stability and permanence, the feeling initially gained intensity and strength, like a two year old throwing a tantrum. However the massive storm wasn't painful anymore- slightly confusing or mildly irritating, but not painful. And instead of an anger and an intruder mentality, a rush to war, there was a natural sense of intrigue and curiosity. By acknowledging this undesirable feeling had a right to exist I stopped warring with parts of myself and justified parts of myself that had been demonized and cut off in the past. Slowly I was allowing myself to become more whole, allowing more of the self to exist in inner freedom and harmony, at peace with the other pieces of self, back to the natural progression, the natural place of being.

The truth is there is very little, even in our inner spectrum of understanding, that we can actually control. Actions of others can sometimes be influenced, but not controlled. This produces instinctual or learned inner reactions. Again, these can sometimes be influenced over time, learned differently, but never controlled. We can make a conscious attempt to rewire responses and rewrite our reactions, but the reactions continue to be what they will. They are the internal storm, the personal storm we weather alone repeatedly, the old friends we become familiar with through our journey, the pieces of our being of which only we are aware, pieces of intrinsic self we choose to either embrace or reject. These choices directly influence the actions we choose and these choices are the only things in life over which we actually can successfully exercise control, all else is smoke in mirrors. When faced with a simple truth, a simple solution usually suffices. The simplest answer boils down to yet another truth. You are enough. Intrinsically all you are in your perfection and all your glorious imperfection, is enough and is truly everything you need.